AITA for asking my friend to reconsider attending our wedding and refusing to tone down affection with my fiancé?
A Redditor shared her dilemma after a close friend, struggling with being single and feeling uncomfortable seeing the love between the user and her fiancé, asked if they could tone down their physical affection at the wedding.
The user explained that light affection is normal in their friend group and that her fiancé and her weren’t overly affectionate in public. Despite empathizing with her friend’s struggles, the user expressed discomfort with the request, explaining that censoring their relationship would cross a boundary.
She also suggested her friend reconsider attending the wedding if it would be too painful. Read the original story below.
‘ AITA for asking my friend to reconsider attending our wedding and refusing to tone down affection with my fiancé?’
A week before my wedding, a close friend messaged me, sharing that since she broke up with her boyfriend, she as a single person, has been struggling with seeing me and my fiancé together. She mentioned feeling like being single is a failure, and that seeing the love between us is hard to process. She wrote:
“I’ve been struggling with being single, especially since moving to a new home and starting at a new job and it’s affecting my daily life. Seeing you and your fiancé together is very hard for me. While I’m happy for you, my body reacts poorly. Could you, when we’re all together, maybe tone down the physical displays of affection? It would help me feel less confronted with it.”
A little backgroundstory: In our friend group, physical closeness has always been normal and accepted. My fiancé and I aren’t overly affectionate in front of our friends or engage in intense displays. Light physical affection however, is common for everyone in the group.
There’s another couple in the group who often sit close, hug or put an arm around each other. When this friend had a partner, she also openly showed affection toward him and with other friends. Hugging, sitting close or sharing a blanket during a movie has always been part of the group’s dynamic.
That’s why I didn’t expect this request, especially from her. I responded saying I’m so sorry she’s struggling with this. And I appreciate that she reached out. But that I’d like some time to think it over and discuss it with my fiancé. I suggested it was better to talk about it on the phone rather than texting.
She replied, saying she preferred not to discuss it by phone as it was too emotional. After talking it over with my fiancé, I replied:
“I empathize with how difficult this must be for you. The situation at work and coming home to an empty place sounds challenging. However, I want to be honest that what you’re asking is significant. We don’t see our interactions as overly affectionate or intense. At recent gatherings, we both felt we weren’t especially “couple-y.”
I spent much of the night helping in the kitchen, and my fiancé was outside with friends. Your request also brings up a boundary for us. We had an experience where we felt pressured to censor our relationship around others and it took a toll on us.
Since than we’ve decided we would never let anyone dictate our relationship. Given that our wedding is a day entirely about celebrating our relationship, I also want to be open about my concern. If it’s already painful for you to see us together, the wedding might be even more difficult.
I’d be happy to talk more if you’re open to it, but I think it’s best to address this before the wedding next week.” I tried to be sensitive and understanding, but I also felt uncomfortable with the request. She also hasn’t made this same request of other couples in her life.
AITA for asking my friend to reconsider attending our wedding and refusing to tone down affection with my fiancé?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
HandBananasRevenge − NTA. Your friend is making everything about herself and is asking you to change how you interact with your soon to be husband to make her feel less insecure. That’s selfish and controlling. Since she’s single right now, she wants you to act like you are, too. That’s awful.
If she’s going to be miserable at your wedding, you were not wrong to mention to her that maybe she should consider if attending is going to be harmful for her mental health. Even then, the fact that you have to spend time dealing with her issues when you have a major life event coming up shortly is unfair.
She expects you to prioritize her when she has no right to in this case. It sounds like she’s trying to find some way to ruin things for you because you have something that she no longer does, and she’s jealous. Is there a dynamic in your friendship where you’ve done, or been asked to do, other things to placate her?
Or when she’s unhappy about something in her life, she tries to make others suffer with her? I’m asking because these types of things usually don’t happen in a vacuum. Oh, and when she says she’s happy for you, I promise you that she isn’t. I have a friend like this, I know how these people operate.
Sacha_Rae24 − NTA What your describing in terms of hugging, touching each other, is entirely normal. When I read the heading, I thought it was going to be intense make out sessions, lol. Your concern over her attending your wedding is also valid, especially as it comes from wanting to avoid your friend being hurt.
Forward-Dingo1431 − NTA. Discussing the situation was the appropriate and considerate thing to do. You definitely shouldn’t have to censor your affection at your own wedding! And given the issues she’s having dealing with you and your fiance’s PDA (only you and your fiance’s, which is WEIRD!) It’s most likely best that she skips the big day.
Due-Passenger7093 − Your toddler friend is asking you to show less affection beween and your fiancé who are about to get married?… ehmm yeah what an AH you are… Unless you’re having wild s** infront of her without her consent you’re not doing anything wrong and you’re **NTA**
... your friend needs to get over her feeling a failure for being single and either get professional help or work through it herself… i don’t know how old people are in this story but unless we’re talking about a kindergarden group she is the AH here that is crossing SO MANY BOUNDARIES
BarTony670 − Just a fyi. I did not read your reply as a dont come to the wedding if you are acting this way. You need to be more direct if you do not want her there or if you only want her there with a happy face on.
r_coefficient − The two quotes in universally readable format 🙂 “I’ve been struggling with being single, especially since moving to a new home and starting at a new job and it’s affecting my daily life. Seeing you and your fiancé together is very hard for me. While I’m happy for you, my body reacts poorly.
Could you, when we’re all together, maybe tone down the physical displays of affection? It would help me feel less confronted with it.”. and “I empathize with how difficult this must be for you. The situation at work and coming home to an empty place sounds challenging.
However, I want to be honest that what you’re asking is significant. We don’t see our interactions as overly affectionate or intense. At recent gatherings, we both felt we weren’t especially “couple-y.” I spent much of the night helping in the kitchen, and my fiancé was outside with friends.
Your request also brings up a boundary for us. We had an experience where we felt pressured to censor our relationship around others and it took a toll on us. Since than we’ve decided we would never let anyone dictate our relationship. Given that our wedding is a day entirely about celebrating our relationship,
I also want to be open about my concern. If it’s already painful for you to see us together, the wedding might be even more difficult. I’d be happy to talk more if you’re open to it, but I think it’s best to address this before the wedding next week.”
ComprehensiveSet927 − Wait, what do you mean this isn’t the first time someone has asked you to censor?
Decent-Muffin4190 − Just putting that much thought and effort into your reply is playing into her sense of entitlement. My response would have been a simple ‘ sorry but no’.
Tasty-Read-3480 − Sounds like she’s got a crush on you or your fiancè
Was the user wrong to ask her friend to reconsider attending the wedding, or was it reasonable given the emotional weight of the situation? How would you handle a similar request from a friend, especially close to such a significant event? Share your thoughts below!
