AITA for not letting my miracle baby niece be my flower girl at my wedding?

A Redditor shares their experience of family tension leading up to their wedding, centered around the role of the flower girl. The user’s sister-in-law, who recently had a “miracle baby,” demands her toddler niece take the role over the user’s 6-year-old stepdaughter, to “honor” the child. The user refused, standing by their stepdaughter’s desire to be flower girl, sparking drama. Was this decision fair or selfish? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not letting my miracle baby niece be my flower girl at my wedding?’

My (27F) older brother and SIL (both mid 30’s) just welcomed their first child a year and a half ago, after YEARS of trying. After many failed attempts, SIL was told that she wouldn’t be able to conceive due to a medical condition she has, they finally got pregnant.

Since having my niece, the baby has been the center of attention at EVERY family even we’ve had since she was born. Birthday’s, wedding’s, family get togethers, you name it. Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE my niece, but it can get to be a little too much when my SIL goes on and on about how long they tried to conceive, complications they’ve had, miscarriages they’ve had etc.

Like a little TOO much info. Many family members have commented on how it’s a little bit excessive, but no one has said anything because they don’t want to sound like an AH. Anyway I’m getting married in the spring and my brother and SIL approached me last weekend about having my niece be the flower girl.

Now my fiancé (35M) has two children (10M and 6F) from his previous marriage. His son is one of his groomsmen while his daughter had asked to be our flower girl when we told them the news that we were getting married a year ago, as it’s something she always wanted to do, so of course we said yes.

So I explained this to my SIL when she asked me about my niece. She asked if my step daughter can just carry my niece with her? I said I don’t think she’d be comfortable with that considering she’s 6.

She then asked why I can’t give that role to my niece, and allow herself to carry my niece down as the flower girl? I said no because I already promised my step daughter. She then starting going off about how my lack of effort to incorporate my niece is disgusting to her. I should “honor her” in some way since I know how long and hard they tried for my niece.

Now I may sound like an AH for this but I kind of got fed up and snapped and said. “Incorporate my niece how? By the time the wedding comes around she’ll be 2 years old. The ENTIRE family already knows your story about how long and hard you guys tried for her. What more do you expect me to do to honor her?”

She started crying and said that clearly I don’t love my one and only niece and I’m “letting her down”. I said of course I love my niece, and obviously she’s going to be involved in pictures and stuff. But I’m not going to let my step daughter down by giving my niece a role she’s too young to remember anyway.

Well now SIL and my brother are pissed off with me for not letting my niece be flower girl, and are running around telling the rest of the family I don’t love my niece.

My mom had been trying to stay neutral but thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece. I’m firm in my decision though, and my fiancé is thankful that I didn’t let his daughter down. AITA for not allowing my niece to be the flower girl?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Let them be pissed. If ever there was a time to take a stand for your stepdaughter, it is now. Without knowing her story, or how she came to be part of your life. She’s 6 years old, and you’ve made a commitment to be in her life. The moment you make it official revolves around her as much as it does you.

You absolutely have every right to honor the stepdaughter over the niece, and these first moments as stepmom are going to cause the ripple that forms the pond that is your relationship for her whole life.

Trust me, if you back down now, and give her spot away, it’s going to ruin more than just your wedding. ETA thanks for all the upvotes!! I never expected all that 🥰 Omg thank you for the awards!!!! 🤩

KylerJaye −  NTA. she’s **their** miracle baby, not yours. the fact that they want you to disappoint your soon to be stepdaughter, in order to make their daughter the focus of **your** wedding is absurd.

jdr0p −  NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Your SIL is lucky you didn’t say “no children under X age” because that is becoming super popular.

Sad-Mall-6704 −  NTA. DO NOT, for the love of all things holy, let your niece be flower girl. Your SIL needs to learn that her kid is not more important to you than your soon to be step children, you are taking on a big role in the lives of these children and they have to know that you are going to stick up for them. This is the hill and if you need to die on it with your SIL then so be it.

BlueMikeStu −  NTA. If they don’t understand why breaking a promise to your future stepdaughter is a bigger issue than letting your sister carry her toddler down the aisle, they’re self centered jerks.

Point out this is you making sure your stepchildren are welcome and feel like they belong. Put your foot down HARD on this b**lshit. Your niece is not more important than your stepdaughter to you, any more than your stepdaughter would not be more important than your niece to her.

tessherelurkingnow −  thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece. “so unlike you, a regular kid, my niece is a “miracle baby” and therefore more important and deserving, even though she’s a toddler and less closely related.” oh hell no. good job standing up for your choices and your step daughter. NTA.

4alark −  That poor little baby. Your SIL needs to get some counseling while the child is still young enough, or she’s going to ruin that little girl’s life with her weirdness. Entitlement, expectations, the burden of being made to feel special just for having been born.

That poor kid should get the chance to have a normal childhood. This is probably not the right time, but when this ridiculousness blows over, (hopefully) you should suggest to your brother that your SIL see a therapist about these feelings. NTA for standing up for your soon to be stepdaughter. 6 is old enough for this to be an important day for her.

StillLikesTurtles −  Sweet Jeebus, you are NTA. Incorporating a 2 year old is hard enough. You are absolutely doing the right thing by incorporating your step daughter. It’s great that your SIL was finally able to conceive, but her struggles to have a baby are now over.

Just because it was a challenge that doesn’t mean your niece needs to be the center of attention at every family event. She’s potentially harming her child by putting this kind of focus on her. Bottom line is you did nothing wrong and your SIL is taking this too far.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU −  **NTA** And I think it’s very concerning, and very telling about how spoilt your niece is likely to become, that your SIL didn’t even TRY to frame this as just finding a way for your niece “participate” (which might have been understandable), but had the sheer gall to suggest to you that you and your partner, THE ACTUAL BRIDE AND GROOM, owed it to her “miracle child” to “honour her” at YOUR WEDDING.

She actually suggested that this child deserved to be a (if not the) person of honour on your special day . . . several years after her birth. I mean, how many years does she intend to keep this up for? How many years does she intend to spend insisting that other people “honour” her child at THEIR occasions, in place of themselves and their own immediate family members?

It’s not just that it’s obnoxious, it’s genuinely unhealthy for this poor kid. She’s being put on a pedestal and taught that she is different from and above all not just other children but literally everyone else from her life. They’re basically worshipping her.

And it’s not that I don’t get it. Aside from siblings who struggled with infertility I have a very, very close friend whose infertility battle meant that he and his wife were married *nearly twenty years* before they were able to have a beautiful, healthy, bio child of their own. Can you imagine? Almost two decades.

Theirs was a miracle in the truest sense. And yet, do you know what they DON’T do? Ask other people to worship their kid or place them at the centre of their own special occasions. In fact, they’re thrilled to pieces just to hear that people love their kid and think they’re doing a good job as parents.

That’s enough for them, the gift of being parents after all this time, and to see people love their sweet, well-mannered child. You are NTA, but OMG your SIL is doing that kid a disservice. Your response is completely appropriate. Your wedding is not the place to “honour” someone else’s 2-year-old. Not even a beloved rainbow-baby niece.

JetItTogether −  NTA- Your family is cracked in the head if they think that you should treat someone else’s kid like they are your kid at the expense of your literal step kid… Like your step kid is your kid… Ask them why they are refusing to honor and love your step kids.

Was the user right to prioritize their stepdaughter’s wish, or should they have accommodated the niece for family harmony? How would you balance stepfamily relationships with extended family expectations in a similar situation? Share your opinions below!