AITA for what I said to my fiancé’s dad’s wife?

A Reddit user (26F) is planning her wedding with her fiancé (27M). For the ceremony, she and her fiancé had decided on the symbolic gesture of walking down the aisle with their respective siblings due to both of their parents passing away.

The fiancé’s dad’s wife (who has a strained relationship with his children) requested to walk him down the aisle and dance with him at the reception, which led to conflict. When she failed to convince him, she turned to the user for support, using the fact that the user was adopted as a point of persuasion.

The user responded by firmly backing her fiancé’s wishes and telling the dad’s wife to accept that she doesn’t have a role in their lives, which led to her calling the user a bad daughter-in-law and demanding an apology.

‘ AITA for what I said to my fiancé’s dad’s wife?’

My fiancé (27m) and I (26f) are engaged and right now we’re still planning our wedding. I’m walking down the aisle with my two brothers since our parents are both sadly passed and my fiancé wants to have his older sisters walk him since he doesn’t see why we both can’t walk.

And he wanted to include them as much as possible. He also wants to dance with them during our reception. His dad’s wife discovered this and wanted to be the one walking him down the aisle and dancing with him.

But my fiancé, and both of his sisters actually, have not got the best relationship with this woman. While their relationship with their dad is pretty okay. Not very close but not super distant either. But his wife is another story.

My fiancé first met her when he was 10 and his sisters were 13 and 15. Their mom died a year earlier, which their dad’s decision to remarry that fast did add some strain to their relationship because they don’t feel like he considered them at all.

When my fiancé met her he thought she was okay but by the time the wedding was approaching he realized she wanted to be more of a mother to him She wanted the girls as her bridesmaids and my fiancé “her son” to walk her down the aisle.

None of them wanted to do this. After the wedding, when she wanted my fiancé to allow her to step into the role of mother for him, it grew more tense and unfriendly. My fiancé felt like she forced the issue too much. She felt like he should have been more accepting of a second mother in his life.

The tension grew when she realized she was truly not even seen as second best by him but was not seen as anything beyond his dad’s wife. His dad’s wife already asked requested he let her walk him and dance. He clearly said no.

There was a fight over her feeling like his mother and him laying down the fact he has never considered her to be anything of a mother to him. When she couldn’t get through to him, she tried to go through me. Using the fact I was adopted and my parents adopted me to do this.

She told me I know all about blood not meaning parent. Which is true, I do. My fiancé doesn’t feel this way because his mom was biologically related to him. But because she was there for to him and she was the one who raised him. Which is how I feel about my parents and it’s a whole thing.

I told her it was my fiancé’s decision and I would not force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. She told me for the future of my future family I must and I should as a woman who has no genetic family.

This got under my skin and I told her that she is not winning any points with me by talking to me like that and that I would never betray my fiancé for her.

I also told her she needed to back off and accept that she does not have a place in their hearts and forcing herself onto them will not help. She was furious with me and called me a bad daughter in-law. Then she texted me about it afterward and told me I owe her an apology.. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

GoreGoddezz −  NTA. You were right to protect and honor your fiances wishes. This is absolutely his decision, nobody else. Im curious tho if the place in their heart comments a bit nuclear. Do they not care about her at all, or just not see her as a parent?

Cevanne46 −  NTA. What she said about you and your parents was actually pretty horrible and invalidating of adoption. But she could be the loveliest person on the planet and still your fiance does not see her as a mum figure. His is the only opinion that counts.

National_Pension_110 −  NTA. This woman is a b**ly and has forced her way into this family during a traumatic time. She is overbearing when she doesn’t get her way. You and your fiancé need a united front at all times with this woman, and firm boundaries.

“No” is a complete sentence. Don’t engage with people like this. I assure you, anything you say can, and will be used against you. When it comes to your fiancé’s relationship with the step mom, don’t get in the middle. “I’m sorry, you’ll need to take this up with my fiancé.”

But… “I’m sorry, no.” And you and your future husband would be wise to read up on dealing with overbearing people. This behavior will continue unless you stomp it out. Good luck and congrats on your pending nuptials. Be prepared to eject her from your wedding if she starts acting out.

LouisV25 −  NTA. I’m adopted although I never use that word for my parents that have also passed. I know exactly why she got under your skin. Text your back:

“You’re NOT his Mother, so I’m NOT your daughter in law. Don’t EVER bring up my adoption. Those WERE my PARENTS. YOU are not his parent cause of YOUR actions.”. BLOCK HER!!!!!!

Apart-Ad-6518 −  **NTA** I told her it was my fiancé’s decision and I would not force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Absolutely. It’s totally right you support him, honor his wishes & have his back. She told me for the future of my future family I must and I should as a woman who has no genetic family.

She had no right to say that to you. Sorry you were treated like that. Although looking at her track record as an insensitive b**ly I’m not surprised. Then she texted me about it afterward and told me I owe her an apology. You *don’t owe her anything*. It’s the other way round.

Creepy-Stable-6192 −  NTA. Time to draw the line. She either stops or is not invited to the wedding all together.

agnesperditanitt −  NTA. Over 15 years and this woman still hasn’t recognized and accepted, that she is nothing more than her husband’s wife to her husband’s children.

And that she’s simply tolerated by them, because their father decided to marry her. She really should know her place in this “family” by now and finally stop pushing for more.

scmdrew4489 −  NTA – IF she keeps pushing, I wouldn’t be surprised if she got herself uninvited. You were direct and truthful in the exchange as you described it. No reason for apology either.

LadyMoRouge −  NTA You were nicer than I would have been

Lyzab77 −  NTA. She owes you an apology. But I’d like to know what the father said or did all those years : did he promise her that his children will be her children ? Did he promise because he didn’t want more children but she wanted to?

And if he didn’t, it seems that he ne erected gave limits to her about his children. She has the feeling to BE the mother and to have a more important part in children life than they could give her.

And what she told you, before and after your reaction, shows that she feels entitled to everyone life and decisions. You are not a bad DIL, your a very good fiancée. You do your best for your fiancé and you don’t have to please this woman.

Time for her to realize also that the « children » are adults and they take their own decisions. Next step : explain that she is not a mother to your fiancé so… she won’t be a grandmother to your children.

I had that problem with MIL’s husband (she let him when my husband was 26) and it was really a hard period. And sometimes he still tries to place himself as a grandfather but now my children are old enough to tell who is who for them…. Good luck and congratulations

Do you think the Redditor was justified in standing up for her fiancé and setting boundaries with his dad’s wife, or should she have approached the situation differently to maintain peace? How would you handle a similar situation involving family dynamics and wedding planning? Share your thoughts below!