AITA for letting my brother call me “dad” and refusing to tell him the u**y truth?

A Redditor shares a family dilemma: after becoming the guardian of his younger brother, Josh, who now calls him “dad,” he’s grappling with whether to reveal their true relationship. Raised by him since infancy due to their parents’ neglect, Josh sees his brother as his father and is unaware of the family’s complicated past.

Now, extended family is pressuring him to tell Josh the truth, but he worries it might harm the loving dynamic they’ve built. Should he reveal the reality, or keep things as they are? Read his full story below.

‘ AITA for letting my brother call me “dad” and refusing to tell him the u**y truth?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I’m well aware that this story sounds extremely hard to believe and fake, and I’m aware that there will be many “shitpost” comments below. Sorry, but this story is 100% true and it is a hot topic of discussion in my family at the moment. I was born when my parents were both 19, and my only other brother (let’s call him Josh) was born when they were 42. They divorced shortly after Josh was introduced to the world (he was 4 months old at the time), and they both wanted nothing to do with the child.

At the time, I was 23 and I was living alone with my then-girlfriend who was 21 (now my wife), and I done my best to convince at least ONE of them to take care of young Josh for his sake and the family’s sake, but they refused adamantly and said that I should be taking custody of him instead. So I became legal guardian of my brother and he’s been living with us for the past 12 years and things have been going really smooth for us.

Josh, now almost 13, has been calling me “dad” and my wife “mum” and our two children (4F, 9M) his siblings and he has absolutely NO idea about his real parents, and to be honest, I let all of that slide. He has NO idea that I’m really his blood brother and not his father, and I’m starting to feel guilty and a little weird.

Some of my uncles and aunts come to visit occasionally and they are really disgusted at the fact he calls me “dad” and they are surprised I haven’t told him the truth. They constantly messaged me, talked to me in private and I cannot chat to them without this one particular topic rising up – badgering me to let him know already but I refused.

I discussed this with my wife and she thought it would be wrong to tell him the truth because none of my parents wanted to take care of him and I’m the only person in the world who gave him the “father figure” everyone deserves.
I feel that he has the right to know what he is to me and what I truly am to him, but he’s suffered enough already and I just want things to continue how it is. Reddit, AITA? WIBTA if I let him know the truth?

The next update: https://aita.pics/Okfbw

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

christina0001 −  This is a good topic to discuss with a therapist or counselor that specializes in adoption related issues. My understanding is that it can be very distressing to a child or adult to abruptly find out that they’ve been adopted.

Most things I have read indicate it’s best to let the child know early on, that they came from a different mommy’s tummy, and then went to their mommy and daddy, or something along those lines. Your brother is past that point. But you are better off acting on this sooner than later. It’s better that he find out from you and your wife. Otherwise, eventually someone is going to spill the beans.

Thrwforksandknives −  NTA. The assholes are your nosey uncles and aunts. You’ve raised him since he was a baby. You are the only paternal (and your wife, maternal) figure he has known. But I think you’ll shock him, if not turn his world upside down. But given your family dynamic, it very well might be that these uncles and aunts do it because they feel he should know. So it might be best if he heard it coming from you.

JJamesPl −  NAH. I completely get where your uncles are coming from. The little guy deserves to know the truth. But it doesn’t have to be now, and it certainly doesn’t have to be explained as “your parents wanted nothing to do with you” When he’s older you can explain some version of “when you were born, our parents were going through a really rough divorce, and neither of them could take care of you.

I loved you so much that I wanted to raise you as a son. You have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I’m so glad to have you in my life. I know this is a lot to take in, and you might have a million questions or you might need some space to digest all of this. I’m here for you whatever you need”.

knitblue −  NAH. This is a really hard one, OP. I found out at 28 years old that my Dad is not my biological father. Everyone knew except me. What that meant was that for 28 years, every time I went to a doctor I gave them a false medical history. That I felt rejected my whole childhood by who I thought were my half siblings. They knew the truth. I thought it was because something was wrong with me.

It meant that any time, the wrong person could have let it slip. If I had of sent in that 23andme test I had sitting around, I would have found out. If I found out my Dad’s blood type, I would have realized something was wrong.
It meant that I had to face the fact that for 28 years, every single person I was related to had lied to me about my own identity.

I didn’t care that the bio-father wanted nothing to do with me. The man who raised me stepped up when I was a baby and never stopped being my Dad, even though him and my Mom split up when I was a baby. Hard to imagine being more loved and wanted than that. It’s a very difficult truth to tell someone. But lying to your kid until someone eventually lets it slip is the wrong way to go about it. He deserves to know his own identity.

It doesn’t have to be about him being “unwanted” by his bio parents. They recognized they didn’t have the ability to raise a child, so you and your wife very happily became his parents and are so happy and thankful to have him as a son. It wasn’t that he was rejected by someone. It’s that he is extremely loved by people who *chose* to raise him. As far as people taking issue with him calling you guys Mom and Dad….s**ew that. You’re his parents.

CallieEnte −  To add to what /u/christina0001 said, your brother is now what is called a “late discovery adoptee.” This can be incredibly traumatic for people, because they learn that they’ve been lied to (however well-intentioned) their entire life.

This is going to break his trust and rattle his sense of self and family, but the sooner you tell him, the better. Because the longer you wait, the longer you’ll have been lying to him. And in this day and age, he will find out eventually.
I’d highly recommend you line up therapy for him with a therapist who specializes in adoption and late discovery adoptees.

[Reddit User] −  N TA for allowing him to call you dad/mom – you are his guardians and the one raising him and if that’s what he’s comfortable with it’s really not any one else’s business.

Y TA for not telling him the truth. He’s going to find out – someone else will slip up, purposefully or not, he’ll see his birth certificate which he’ll likely need when he’s old enough to get a driver’s license for example, or he’ll do one of those DNA kits. You cannot keep this a secret forever and it’s 100% better that he finds out from you than an unfortunate surprise from someone else.

LucidOutwork −  NAH. I think this is above our pay grade. There is so much to consider in telling or not telling. Ultimately I think the truth is best because at some point he is going to find out anyways. But be ready for a lot of backlash if you tell him. He is going to feel angry and hurt and abandoned by his bio-parents. When it comes right down to it, you ARE his dad, even if you are biologically his brother as well. And good for you for stepping in and being there for him.

BeanicusWeenicus −  So, this might be hard to believe, but I grew up in a VERY similar situation. Around 14, I learned that my parents were actually my grandparents, and my older sister was actually my biological mother. It was a lot to deal with.

Honestly, there were a lot of times that I wished I never knew that. But now I’m 22, and at the end of the day, my parents are my parents, and my sister is my sister, and I love them all. They genuinely wanted to do what was best for me.

That being said, I don’t think you’d be the AH if you told him. The most important thing is for you and your wife to be there for him as his parents. He will be hurt that his biological parents didn’t want him. Remind him that YOU want him, and tell him all the ways that having him as your son has made your life better. Tell him that you are still his dad as long as he wants you to be.

TeamChaos17 −  Seconding the advice to talk to a counselor first about the best way to approach, but yes you need to tell him and sooner than later. Similar to any other adoptee, he has a right to know his story. And if he wants to keep calling you dad, that’s his choice and wouldn’t it be more meaningful to you both?

Nimzomitch −  Tell him. He’s old enough now to hear it. Source – a guy who didn’t know one of his parents wasn’t his parent until he was 25.