AITA for asking moms boyfriend to stop trying to parent me?

A Reddit user recounted a tense encounter with their mother’s boyfriend, who has recently started imposing rules and attempting to parent them. Having lost their father a year ago, the 23-year-old feels uncomfortable with the boyfriend’s efforts to act as a parental figure and set boundaries, especially since they’re nearing graduation and living independently in the basement.

After the boyfriend threatened to take away car privileges, the user made it clear they aren’t looking for a new father figure, leading to family tensions. Read the full story below to explore the struggle over boundaries and respect in this new family dynamic.

‘ AITA for asking moms boyfriend to stop trying to parent me?’

My dad died suddenly about a year ago, and my mom found this really nice guy that she’s started seeing. I’m 23M and going into my final year of college. My moms boyfriend has two daughters ages 15 and 13. My mom has stepped in to be a mother figure to them, and the boyfriend has stepped into my extended family becoming everyone’s favourite uncle. And while i’m glad everyone else is comfortable, i’m not.

He isn’t a bad guy, I’m just still grieving my father, and it feels like he’s trying to replace him. He tries to set rules for me, things like chores and curfew, that my dad specifically didn’t because he thought they were ridiculous for an adult. Boyfriend thinks it’s only fair because i have siblings now. I think it’s ridiculous to have the same rules apply because of our age differences.

He’s trying to get me to share my stuff with his kids. They aren’t lacking for anything but he thinks it’s only fair because ~family~. I live in the basement of my moms house. I have since i was 15. When you come in the front door there’s a door to the basement and the stairs to go into the house. So it’s pretty separate.

So last night i was DDing for some friends and got home at 2 am. I had nothing to do until 3pm today since classes aren’t until next week and my new job starts in 2 weeks. So this has never been a big deal with my parents. I shot my mom a text and went to bed. Tonight though, man, boyfriend flipped. I got a lecture and sent to my room and “possible loss of car privileges.”

I snapped and laid it out for him. I told him i’m leaving the city after i graduate, i told him i’m glad my mom found a new partner but that i am not and will not be looking for a new father figure and he needs to respect that. I told him our relationship won’t be father/son for some time, and that he needs to respect me as an adult or that i won’t want to have a relationship with him. He told my family and they think i’m the a**hole. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

CheekaBoomBoom −  NTA : You’re an adult so the rules shouldn’t be the same for you as they are for his teenage children. Your father recently died and neither him or your mom should be trying to push the step dad role onto you. I completely understand why you’d lose it like that. It still too soon for him to be trying to take your fathers position. He probably means no harm but he has to understand given the circumstances and why you’d feel the way you do.

AngryFishCake −  NTA: you’re an adult, WTF is up with losing car privileges and curfews?! That’s insane!

realdepressodepresso −  NTA. Did he even discuss about your grievance and your relationship with you? What has your mom said about this? You were completely in the right. Dude pushed you to your limits and you’re still grieving.

exist10tial_crisis −  NTA. First, he’s not your dad. Second, you are a grown man. Third, you’re grieving and nobody should be trying to appoint themselves to the place your father held in your life. Fourth, this guy is not “family” and neither are his daughters your “siblings.” He’s your mom’s live-in boyfriend who brought his kids along; there is no official relationship. He’s not even your stepdad yet, and if in the future he marries your mom, he’s still not either of the people who raised you.

Fifth… I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s a terrible thing to lose someone so suddenly. I hope you had wonderful times together, and that those memories can carry you through this awkward and difficult situation. I hope your mom is the kind of lady you can tell these things to, and that she’ll be able to see it from your perspective and tell this guy to stop trying to parent her adult son.

mulledfox −  NTA. You’re not 15, you’re not 17, you’re not 18 and a college freshman, you’re 23. At your age, some people already have three kids!

classicgeri −  NTA. If anything at all, he should be following your mothers example in regards to a strictness/closeness boundary towards you. He’s overstepping this boundary, due to the short nature of his relationship with your mother (<one year is quite fast to be stepping this heavily into the parenting role of a new partner’s children) and your adulthood.

Despite living under their roof, if your mother isn’t enforcing these rules, then neither should he. You’ve explained yourself politely and put your foot down, however he chooses to deal with that shouldn’t be your problem. Sucks that your family doesn’t see that, especially so soon after your loss. One year barely feels like any time has passed.

brotogeris1 −  NTA. At all. Not even a little bit. He’s completely out of line, and you set him straight in a direct, adult way. I don’t understand the “family” bit, he’s your mom’s boyfriend. They could break up tomorrow. His kids aren’t your siblings. You aren’t required to share anything with them.

This guy sounds bizarre. Continue doing your thing. Your mother should have your back a little bit more. She introduced this weird, disruptive guy into your lives while you’re grieving. She’s probably not thinking clearly. Grieving a loved one is awful. Condolences on your dad. Good luck with everything.

GrizzlyGrrl −  NTA. As both a stepkid and a stepparent, I can tell you that the problem isn’t the boyfriend, it’s your mom. It’s her house and her son, and whatever this guy is doing, it’s because your mom is allowing it. Take you and your mom for a session with a grief counselor.

You’d be amazed at how much your mom is allowing is because of grief, and she also needs to realize everyone’s grief is different and at a different pace. This dude is WAY out of line, and I would listen to the poster who said it was an early red flag for future super controlling behavior.

FreshNebula −  NTA First, I’m sorry for your loss. Second, this guy is ridiculous. You’re a grown-ass adult and already were a grown-ass adult when you lost your father. The job of raising you was already done before you and this guy first met, which, by the way could have happened in any other setting.

For instance, you could have met him as a new coworker, in which case he wouldn’t have even thought to see you as anything different than another adult. Just keep standing your ground and hopefully he’ll also see how ridiculous this is. Or if not, he’s still not entitled to any kind of relationship with you.

olbaze −  NTA.
Living for free at your parent’s home should come with some duties that you do, particularly if you’re not doing anything else. In my family, we started out with taking out the trash and emptying the dish washer in exchange for allowance. We kept doing that, even after the allowance stopped being a thing.

A step parent trying to take the role of an actual parent is a bad thing when you’re dealing with a **child** that has any kind of autonomy, like a 10-year-old or something. Same situation with a grow-up person? The role the step-parent will have is “significant other of parent”, because **the parenting job is already over**.

Being sent to your room? Loss of “privileges”? Curfews? This man is treating you like a teenager who just got their driver’s license a month ago. You need to put a stop to that as soon as possible. But keep in mind that this person also does not have experience raising adult children: Their kids are still teenagers. They don’t have a point of reference for what is an appropriate interaction with an adult offspring living with them. So you need to set those boundaries.

Was the Redditor justified in setting boundaries with their mom’s boyfriend, or did they overreact? How would you handle a situation where a new family member attempts to take on a parental role? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!