AITA for blowing up on my husband’s friend after her wife died?

After her husband’s friend Jenna lost her wife, she’s been leaning heavily on him for support, often staying overnight. However, Jenna’s behavior has become increasingly passive-aggressive and possessive, especially around the user’s birthday plans with her husband.

When Jenna implied the user should find other friends, she finally snapped, asking Jenna to leave and not return. Her husband supported this decision, but now the user is reflecting, wondering if she could have been more patient. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for blowing up on my husband’s friend after her wife died? ‘

My (36f) husband Ian (44m) is close friends with a woman named Jenna. They’ve been friends for a long time, before Ian and I got together, so I know her fairly well too but we really have nothing in common and we’re not exactly friends.

Jenna’s wife Laura very sadly and somewhat suddenly passed in early March (she was terminally ill but responding to treatment very well and was expected to survive another 2-5 years).

She’s been leaning on Ian heavily for support which I understand but she’s been at our house every single day since & even sleeping in our guest room most nights because she doesn’t want to be home alone.

which would be okay except she is getting more and more passive aggressive towards me and weirdly territorial of Ian. I’ve reminded myself that I don’t think I could stand to see a happy couple for months if I lost Ian and to be patient, it’s not personal.

My birthday was on Sunday. I got home Saturday after a morning out and Jenna was there. I was making small talk when i asked Ian what time he made dinner reservations for the next day. Jenna inserted herself right here and asked Ian if he was going to be out the next day and he said yes.

She started panicking and saying that he couldn’t and she wasn’t ready to spend an evening alone. I was going to tell her that she could still hang out here while we gone and she looked at me and said “don’t you have any f**king friends you can go with?”

And I just blew tf up…. “don’t *you* have any other f**king friends you can go bother?” and so on; she called me s**fish for “monopolizing *my husband*” and I had enough and told her to get the f**k out of my house and not to come back, ever.

Ian had been trying to calm things down between us but it spiraled out of control fast and he ended up escorting Jenna out and telling her that he’d come visit her in a few days but he would be backing my decision because of how she spoke to me.

I was happy for his support and still am but it’s been a few days and I just feel bad all around about it. I should’ve been more understanding of her but I also feel like she should treat me more respectfully and I’m not really sure if I overreacted

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

sailingseas25 −  NTA. She was soooo far out of line and especially in your own home. Id also sit down with your husband and talk about it. To me personally it really seems like she likes your husband more than just a good friend. I understand she had a wife but maybe shes bi and hasnt been open with it?

Hyperboleiskillingus −  NTA. Jenna was out of line but it is also good that you are reconsidering your actions. This is a tough situation for everyone involved. There are no simple good guys or bad guys here. I was a young window myself and those first few months were a blur.

The things that upset me then, I can now see how I overacted and took things personally that I should not have. I was irrational at times and got super emotional over the slightest things. None of this gave me a pass to say or do anything to others. Same applies to Jenna.

I’m glad your husband backed you, that is a good sign for your relationship. I would tell him how much you appreciate his support because it must have been hard for him to escort his good friend out when she is suffering… it was the right thing but it was still probably hard for him to do.

Talk to him about how he can support Jenna moving forward with better boundaries. Get agreement between the two of you on how you both will interact with Jenna and support her. Eventually Jenna will be in a better space and you may be able to “reconcile” to a certain degree for the sake of your husband.

Zestyclose_Tree8660 −  Wow. NTA. Nobody’s talking to me like that in my own home. Disagree with people saying Jenna’s not an a**hole here. Needing support and asking for it are fine, but she’s crossed the line being hostile towards her friend’s spouse. She got a well deserved GTFO. Good for Ian for backing his wife on this one.

[Reddit User] −  NTA Grief is an explanation, not an excuse. She’s leaning far too much on your husband, and for her to insult and swear at YOU for spending time with YOUR HUSBAND on YOUR BIRTHDAY is completely out of pocket.

Props to your husband for backing you but he needs to lay down the law with this woman like yesterday. This should not have gone on as long as it has

lihzee −  NTA. Not at all. Jenna is going through a huge loss, but that doesn’t give her the right to treat you poorly, particularly when it seems like you and your husband have been nothing but accommodating.

Dittoheadforever −  You’re NTA. Her grief isn’t a free pass to monopolize *your* husband and plant herself in your home. Her behavior towards you is inexcusable. Good for your husband backing you up. She was taking advantage of his kindness and pushed things too far.

snarkybat −  Absolutely NTA. She may be grieving, but she cannot claim your husband as her own. She is 100% transferring some feeling onto your husband, and it is not healthy or the least okay.

I hope she gets to grieve and heal, so she can see how bad this situation was for both of you, and that you can heal as well. You have a wonderful husband who wants to do best by his friend, but also knows when to support you first and foremost. That is a beautiful thing.

verminiusrex −  NTA. Losing a spouse sucks, and I understand she’s going through a hard time. But to demand that much control and attention over another person, especially someone with a family, is stomping on so many boundaries and propriety. She needs help that a strangle hold on a friend isn’t going to provide.

floydfan −  “don’t you have any f**king friends you can go with?” NTA, you did exactly what I would have done.

dnbest91 −  NTA. She was trying to spousify YOUR spouse. She was trying to lean on him for the type of support a spouse would give, and he can’t do that. He is your spouse. To be clear, I mean emotionally, not physically.

He reacted the correct way. She is mourning, and that’s very hard. But she doesn’t get to take your place as his most important person. Even temporarily. She needs a grief councilor.

Was she justified in standing up for herself, or could she have shown more empathy? Share your thoughts below!