My husband gave me a “warning tap” and I called it abuse. AITAH? ?

A Redditor shared her frustration with a recurring issue involving her sister-in-law (SIL) bringing unrequested food to family dinners, despite being explicitly told not to. Each season, she hosts a big family gathering, making it a point to cater to guests with allergies so they can enjoy everything safely.

However, her SIL repeatedly ignored her request, showing up with a dish each time. The host eventually decided to throw away her SIL’s cornbread when it was brought in after several polite requests to bring wine instead.

This sparked a confrontation between the two, leaving her questioning if she overreacted. Read the original story below to see how this dinner party debacle played out.

‘ My husband gave me a “warning tap” and I called it abuse. AITAH? ?’

As I am writing this, I am laying in bed with my mom. She’s helping me gather my thoughts for some other opinions. I am f24 and my husband is m30. We’ve been together for three years and married for one. This is a throwaway account just in case.

About a week ago my husband and I got into an argument over his phone, which he had misplaced. I was in the shower when he lost it and when I came out he was throwing a f**king fit over it. He was like “where did you put it, have you seen it?” Angrily yelling and snapping.

I said I hadn’t touched it and I needed to get dressed. My husband was standing in the doorway looking behind the door so I couldn’t open it. I said “hello, move please?” Apparently my tone was rude because my husband turned around and shoved me into the room.

I was like okay you need to calm down, I can help you look but I gotta get dressed. He tells me to hurry up. I snap back “I’m not gonna hurry up, it isn’t my f**king fault!” My husband turned around and hit me on my mouth with the back of his hand. It didn’t even really hurt but I was appalled.

He called it a “warning tap” because of “my attitude”. I left right then and there. I called my mom and came over. I haven’t left. My brother took me over the next day to get a few things. My husband asked me if all this really necessary and I said yeah, it is when you abuse your wife.

He was so stricken that I called it “abuse”. He screamed at me for it. He said I can ruin his career if I use that word. I know that I can and I know that he didn’t even hurt me, but that’s how I feel.

He sent me several texts threatening to divorce me if I use that word again, or try to hurt his career by saying it someone “important”. AITAH for saying this, potentially citing this, and potentially ruining his career?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Alleandros −  When my boyfriend couldn’t find his phone, he asked me to call him; you know, like a normal person.

LoomingDisaster −  NTA. He screamed at you, shoved you and HIT YOU IN THE MOUTH. And then he called it a “warning tap,” presumably meaning that if he didn’t like how you were talking or your attitude, he’d hit you harder.

That’s abuse by any definition of the word. He wasn’t “stricken” at you using the word abuse, he was angry, because abusing his wife is apparently not good for his career. Mind you, he’s not sorry he screamed at you, shoved you, hit you, and threatened you, he’s mad that he might get into trouble for it.

Have your brother pack the rest of your things, file for divorce, and if anyone asks why, tell them he started abusing you, because that’s the truth. If he’s worried that being accused of abusing his wife would be bad for his career, he could have tried not screaming at you, shoving you, hitting you, and threatening to hit you harder.

Texas_sucks15 −  NTA. He not only hit you with intent (physical abuse – no matter if it hurt or not), but he’s minimizing your concerns out of fear for HIS CAREER. Then proceeds to threaten divorce. Over what? a lost phone? Red flags galore. There has to be underlying tension that caused this incident. If not – an even bigger red flag.

shyfidelity −  NTA. You’re correct.. *threatening to divorce me*. Good.

GlitteringWing2112 −  NTA. You file the divorce paperwork first. He hit you. First it’s a “warning tap”, next it’s a black eye – or worse.
YOU wouldn’t be ruining his career – HE would be doing that HIMSELF by abusing his wife. This won’t get better – block his number, keep the texts and call a lawyer TODAY.

Bibliophile_w_coffee −  NTA. It was abuse. Putting hands on someone isn’t abuse only if in breaks skin or hurts at a 7+ on the pain scale. He shoved you then he hit you. That is abuse. If HE didn’t want HIS career destroyed over this, than HE shouldn’t have raised HIS hands. HE made bad choices. HE must face consequence.

Also, little question for him…if he isn’t a**sive, what was “the warning tap” hit to the face a warning of? Was he warning you he was going to tickle you, or that more violence was coming?

Warnings are the thing that comes before the big bad scary, so his warning abuse was a warning of more abuse. Congratulations on your a**sive STBX agreeing to divorce. Please publicly destroy his career and save the next woman!

suziq338 −  NTA – He doesn’t understand that shoving and actual hitting is abuse? WTF? Light him up. Absolutely. Save the next woman.
PS – I read an interesting long term sociological study of abusers a few years back.

Want to know the intervention that works best for preventing repetition of a**sive behavior? Legal consequences. Better than any kind of therapy or other intervention. That’s the thing that actually gets them to change the behavior.

banjadev −  NTA – That was a**ault. Hard Stop. Go no Contact, and get a lawyer, and start divorce proceedings now. Let your lawyer direct you. DO NOT GO BACK. That was the first a**ault of many more to come.

full_babygirl −  NTA. Girl you got a shiny spine and a love it. You’re 24 and so young. You lawyer up first and deal with him.

Then you live a great life till you meet a man who would never think of hitting a girl over losing his own damn phone. Also, if he was freaking and accused you of having it, there might be things on there he’s trying to hide

JanetInSpain −  NTA divorce time. There is no “warning tap”. Once and done. ONE physical a**ault and done. Period. End of story.
He can be “stricken” all he wants but it WAS abuse. And then he screamed at you? Absolutely divorce time. This is completely unacceptable.

Imagine what he’d have done if your brother hadn’t been there. You wouldn’t ruin his career. He potentially did that the minute he backhanded you. DO NOT GO BACK. If you must collect additional things take at least one man with you.

Was the host justified in discarding the food her SIL repeatedly brought against her wishes, or should she have found a way to handle it differently? Share your thoughts on setting boundaries in family gatherings and how you’d address this kind of situation in the comments below!