AITAH for telling my wife I won’t be as stressed out next year because I won’t be married to her?

One man has been struggling in his marriage as financial pressures, conflicting priorities, and communication issues continue to take their toll. After warning his wife repeatedly about the need for financial sacrifices or job changes, he managed to secure a better-paying job, but his wife has been reluctant to change hers.

During a family dinner, she made a sarcastic comment about his concerns over money, and he responded by saying he wouldn’t have to worry because they’d be divorced by next year. Now, with tensions higher than ever, he wonders if he went too far.

‘ AITAH for telling my wife I won’t be as stressed out next year because I won’t be married to her?’

I’ve (32 M) been married to my wife Jen (32 f) for a little over 7 years now. Up until about two years ago, things were great. However, a disastrous move, a few family emergencies, and a totaled car have left us in a terrible financial situation. All our savings are pretty much gone, 401k’s empty, and we’re hemorrhaging money.

Before we bought our house 2 years ago, things were amazing financially. We made the mistake of buying a nice 3-bedroom house because we planned on having kids. Those plans, thankfully, got put on the back burner because adding a kid into this mess right now would kill us. It’s not really a mystery why things are like this. Jen and I are both underpaid at our jobs, and we moved into a high-cost-of-living area like morons.

Last December, I told Jen one of two things needed to happen: We either sell the house or start making more money. The latter would most definitely mean finding new jobs that would pay us a market rate.

Jen pushed back on this because she loved the house and her current job. I told her she had to choose one and couldn’t have it both ways and after a week of arguing, she agreed we would look for new jobs.

It’s been almost six months now. Last Friday, I signed an offer for a new job. It’s over a 35k raise for me. Jen, however, has done nothing. In January, she asked for a raise in the market rate and was very disrespectfully told by her manager that she was not worth that.

She was shown the door to leave if she wasn’t happy. Jen has taken this as her putting in the effort and done nothing else. Telling me we should wait and see what happens with my job search.

I’m not happy about this, when I came home Friday and told her I got the job, she got pissy because I clarified this does not mean she can stay at her job. We fought again, and I told her that this would mean we only stop hemorrhaging money on the house. We will be able to save only a little and would still not be close to refilling our 401k’s. Kids, the whole reason we got this damn house would be entirely off the table.

We haven’t talked much since then. yesterday, her parents visited for dinner. Despite my best efforts to keep them out of it, Jen announced my new job to her parents by saying maybe I’ll stop “complaining about money” once I start.

I don’t know why I said it, but I replied with, “Oh, don’t worry, Jen. I won’t have to worry about money a year from now because we’ll be divorced by then.” Things got quiet real quick after, and I excused myself. Her parents left shortly after, and she slept on the couch to avoid talking to me.

I’ve not talked to Jen or her parents since last night. Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage..

These are the responses from Reddit users:

celticmusebooks −  **Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.**
Dude, you announced in front of her parents that you intend to divorce her– in what universe is your marriage not irreparably damaged???

Disastrous-Door-9126 −  You know how firearms experts tell people “don’t put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to fire?” Yeah, don’t say the “D” word unless you’re prepared to get D’d real hard.

LogicalDifference529 −  I don’t know why you’re so worried if you were wrong or not, you’ll be divorced a year from now.

Serious_Internet6478 −  The marriage is over dude. Just go ahead and put the house on the market.
Edit: I genuinely wonder how you are genuinely wondering if saying that you’re getting divorced in front of her parents during a dinner will lead to problems in a relationship. You took it out back and shot it yourself.

throwawtphone −  ESH. She started the battle by announcing at dinner to her parents your new job by saying “maybe now you will stop complaining about money” she knew what she was doing.

Then you dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth. But you probably will be divorced anyways because you guys are financially unfit and incompatible. She is never leaving that job.

DeryniMagic38 −  I’m sorry, did you say, “I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.” You told your wife you will be divorcing her within the year in front of her patents. If you can come back from that, it is going to be a LONG and HARD road.

You have a right to be angry about everything going on… even a right to divorce her, but if you wanted to repair the marriage at all, that wasn’t the way to do it.

judgingA-holes −   Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.
LMFAO You genuinely wonder if telling your wife that you would be divorced within the year ruined your marriage? This has to be a troll.

ButterscotchMafia −  OP, you’re done. Believe me. Might not be straight away, but it’s over. Under no circumstances should a married person say they want a divorce unless they actually want one. My ex husband told me he wanted one, so I filed. He’s blamed me ever since, “you weren’t supposed to actually file”.
Threaten divorce and you’re sure as s**t getting one.

ProfPlumDidIt −  ESH. Dropping a bomb like that, especially if it’s the first time you’ve mentioned divorce, was an a**hole thing to do.

That said, your wife is a much bigger a**hole in multiple ways: She at first refused to even try to consider doing something to help the financial situation, then she half-assed the bare minimum effort, then she is the one who brought the subject up in front of her parents with a b**lshit comment. 

Your marriage was ruined long before you said that, and ruining it was a joint effort but most of the damage done by your wife. 

ImAScatMAnn −  ESH. You – I’m not even certain if you want a divorce, so it wasn’t like you were dropping news like some comments are claiming. What you did wrong was attack your wife because you felt attacked.

Your wife – She needs to understand that as a married couple, there needs to be some level of compromise. You can just say I love the way things are so even though things are bad, I want it to remain this way, and you have to accept it. Then on top of that, she chose to announce that you got a new job in a way the invalidates all your arguments about the finances.

Honestly, though, Honestly, I think this blowup may be a blessing in disguise for the both of you. You needed to have a straight conversation with her that you can’t maintain this marriage if it continues like this. She needs to know how serious you feel about it.

You’ve tried talking to her, you’ve tried reasoning with her, and she hasn’t listened. Should you have communicated better about how close to the brink of wanting a divorce you were? Absolutely, and. Though your outburst wasn’t the best way to communicate your frustrations, it is still better than you holding it in until one day she is blindsided with divorce papers.

What’s done is done, and you can’t go back. What you can do is make use of the current situation. Think about how much of this you can take. How much you are willing to compromise, and how much you need in return.

Express your frustrations and have the conversation of what she wants and what she’s willing to do to maintain a happy marriage with you. If at the end you both still can’t meet, then you have your answer.