AITA for being an overachiever in my pregnancy?

A Reddit user shares how she’s unintentionally created tension with her pregnant friend by staying active, organized, and social throughout her pregnancy. When her friend started canceling plans due to not feeling well, the user tried to be supportive by offering help and even dropping off food.

However, things took a turn when her friend accused her of “overachieving” and making her feel inadequate. Now, the user wonders if her actions have unintentionally made her friend feel worse. Read the full story below to see if you think she went too far…

‘ AITA for being an overachiever in my pregnancy?’

I’m 26 and I have a friend who is 26 as well. We met as part of a larger friend group and have gotten closer since we’re both pregnant at the same time I’m 28 weeks and she’s 23 weeks. We’re still friends with the other girls and see them regularly but we see each other weekly, go shopping, go out to eat etc.

The last month or so, she’s been canceling plans a lot because she’s not feeling well which is understandable. Her husband is deployed and she just has her sister near her but her sister has a family.

I told her each time to text me if she needs anything that I’m only a call away. I also made her a Lasagna which she’s been craving a lot and had my husband drop it off. She came over yesterday when I was making cookies and cupcakes for my nephews.

We were hanging out when she asked me what I did in the times our plans were canceled so I started telling her that I caught up with an old friend who was in town, visited family, signed up for prenatal yoga and I finished the last of our nursery shopping and started putting it together with my husband.

She seemed to slump so I asked her what was wrong and she said that she wishes she could put her nursery with her husband. I gave her a side hug and told her I’m sorry that he’s not here, then to cheer her up I asked her if she wanted our friends and I to come over and help her?

It wouldn’t be the same but at least that way she’ll have her girls with her. She stiffened and I let her go to give her space and started icing the cookies and cupcakes. I asked her if she wanted some but she shook her head and just kept staring at me before she asked quietly why did I have to be this way?

I asked her what she meant and she just gestured in my direction and said “like this, why do you always have to make me feel s**tty about myself?” I was shocked and asked her what I did and she said that I was always an overachiever but that she didn’t think I’d try so hard in my pregnancy too.

She started listing what I’ve been doing which is baking/cooking food all the time, staying fit and going for walks and stuff, keeping my house spotless, still having an active s** life and a social life. I asked her if she wanted me to be miserable instead?

And reminded her that I did those stuff even before getting pregnant, It’s not like I was or am doing anything extraordinary, just regular life stuff. She shook her head and said that I just had to make her look like a lazy cow in comparison. I was gaping by this point and what could I say?

She was accusing me of something I apparently did by being myself so I just asked her to please leave and she did. I thought about sending her a text to make sure she’s okay but what would I even say?

I asked advice from another third party friend who doesn’t know her and she said that I should distance myself because she doesn’t sound like a friend. I’m stuck in the middle because maybe my actions did make her feel bad? but on the other hand why would they make her feel bad?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

malevolentk −  NAH – This isn’t about you – it’s about her. She’s alone and pregnant- so when she feels like s**t in the morning she has no one to bring her toast to make her not feel like s**t. And that’s draining. Maybe you are one of those lucky ones who has zero morning sickness – and maybe she feels nauseous all the time.

Maybe your body is better at being pregnant – and she is having a hard time or maybe she feels very alone or maybe she gets depressed having to go to her appointments alone. Sounds like she was having a moment where she was feeling her lack of support – and then snapped at your offer because she felt guilty.

None of this makes her the AH either – being pregnant is hard. (I’ve been there six times). Just give her some space – and if you care about the relationship continuing reach out again and ask if she would like another lasagna or to hang out. Don’t bring up her comments and let it go with grace

Curious_Special_521 −  NAH. You make cookies, you have energy, you seem bouncy and bubbly. I’m jealous and I don’t even know you nor am I currently pregnant.

Your friend may be struggling to keep going everyday, and seeing you seemingly bounce through life flawlessly (even if this isn’t the case) may be hard for her. Is she projecting her feeling yes. Is it unhealthy yes. Is your friend okay deep down? Absolutely not.

ghostfromdivaspast −  “she said that I was always an overachiever but that she didn’t think i’d try so hard in my pregnancy too.”
pregnancy aside, she’s been jealous of you. the hormones are just amplifying it. she sounds like the type that loves to hate you. NTA.

ManaKitten −  NAH. I personally had the worst pregnancies. Felt gross and was sick the whole time. And I was so mad when women would talk about how much they enjoyed being pregnant. It’s a combo of the hormones and feeling like crap.

That being said, I was only in labor for 25 minutes with my first, 15 minutes for the 2nd. So I have the worst pregnancies and best deliveries. Everyone is different.

You are probably not the best person to be supporting her right now. Pick the mother hen in your friend group (other than you, lol) and send them in. Join in for group activities, but let someone else take the reins for a bit. She needs both help and space right now.. Edit: typo

ReadySettyGoey −  NTA. She was being a**hole in the moment – you’re not doing anything wrong. All that being said, I’m in my second pregnancy and am one of those people whose bodies hate pregnancy.

Debilitating morning sickness, lost 15 pounds in the first trimester, still get some nausea in the second trimester, bad pelvic pain, antenatal depression (which I’m treated for). I hate it. And unlike your friend I have a partner at home with me to help me.

It really really sucks to hear people talk about enjoying pregnancy and thriving. Like reading everything you’re doing made me deeply frustrated. Not at you, but at my own body. And then the doubt starts to c**ep in that maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.

And maybe I could go do all the stuff if I just tried harder and maybe I’m just lazy and it’s my fault. That doesn’t justify what she said to you – it was assholish, it’s not your fault and she shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

But I do think she’s probably in a bad place and you may not be the best person to be around right now – and it may be extra frustrating that one of the only sources of support she seems to have is someone whose pregnancy makes her feel jealous and s**tty.

So I’d give her some space but maybe try to understand that she’s having an awful time and people don’t always act their best when they’re in the middle of that.

GSD_enthusiast −  NAH – Haven’t we all been there – pregnant or not? You have a miserable time and everything goes wrong or seems hard, and then you see a friend doing all these tasks that seem so difficult for you with apparent ease. 

Most of the time,  we are just silently jealous and in time, reality catches up with us.  They might have a crappy family,  health concerns,  problems at work etc.  Nobody has the perfect life. It seems like your pregnancy is going better than hers.

You have friends, family,  a partner next to you. She feels miserable and alone. Probably a bit scared. Maybe also feels guilty for saying the silent part out loud. I would continue being her friend. Reaching out,  offering help.  Maybe the other friends in the group can participate,  too.  But don’t stop being yourself.  Ever

LurkyLooSeesYou2 −  She sounds depressed. She’s pregnant and alone with a deployed husband. Distance yourself if you must but please treat her with compassion because she is struggling.

Spare-Article-396 −  IDK, I sense a bit of Momlympics in the tone of your post. It’s great that you are so active, but I do believe you’re getting some satisfaction out of the comparison.

Instead of replying ‘so You’d rather me be…’, you could have been more considerate and uplifting – and said something about each pregnancy being different, and she’s doing a great job, etc.. YTA

InValuAbled −  NTA – Your friend seems to be down for whatever reason. She needs to establish contact with a professional to help her cope before and after childbirth. She’s pregnant and alone, seems depressed, which really doesn’t bode well for a postpartum period.
Get together with your friends and get her help.

_oooOooo_ −  I’m gonna have a hot take here. You’re slightly TAH. You didn’t actually hear her. You listened to what she said. You didn’t HEAR her though. It’s not about you and you made it about you. Add a s**t ton more empathy and you’ll all be better off.

This friend sounds very depressed. She doesn’t know what she’s saying so you have to be the sane, rational one. It’s clear she’s highly emotionally reactive which makes total sense – she feels very alone right now.

And it doesn’t matter that you’re there for her, you listed all her perceived shortcomings, most importantly lacking a partner right now. And you offered solutions instead of just sitting in the uncomfortable and listening. Sometimes people need to talk.

To be understood and not solved. Please continue to listen to her. Just be with her. Don’t ask what she needs, just do it. Keep being your happy self and be there for her. I promise it will all turn around. Usually by 3rd trimester it’s a different world.

Do you think the Reddit user’s actions were unintentionally overwhelming, or is her friend unfairly projecting her insecurities? How would you navigate this kind of situation? Share your thoughts below!