AITA for questioning how my son’s mother spends the child support I send, and telling her the money is meant for our child not her informing her she is not my dependant. ?

A Reddit user finds themselves in a complex situation regarding child support and co-parenting. The user sends a monthly child support payment to their son’s mother, who has primary custody.

Recently, they questioned how she spends this money, especially after hearing their son was told they would buy his Halloween costume, even though the user had sent additional funds for that purpose.

The mother argues that as long as their child’s needs are met, she has the right to use the funds as she sees fit. The user feels justified in their inquiry but is uncertain if they have crossed a line. Is it reasonable to question how child support is spent, or does it infringe on the other parent’s autonomy?

‘ AITA for questioning how my son’s mother spends the child support I send, and telling her the money is meant for our child not her informing her she is not my dependant. ?’

Reason I asked for where did the money go was because she has not stated the original amount is not enough nor made a request to increase it. This counts for living expenses also. If she needs more she can ask I have never not send her extra if it is something our son needs.

Though the amount in question does cover rent food clothing other general living expenses. So yeah I will question if she states I need more for food when I just sent her money. Which has happened so our order is fairly detailed in what the money is supposed to be used for. Since she has lied in the past.

I sent an extra 400 over because my son wanted a light saber he saw at gamestop which alone was 235 dollars. She did agree verbally that she would take him and get him the stuff he wanted. I sent her the money on the 1st together with the child support payment.

So my son’s mother and I did not work out. I travel 6 to 8 months out the year due to work. His mother has primary custody and I do send the ordered amount and some extra when I can. Fast forward to Sunday I am back for the Holidays. I plan to take my son out for Halloween.

He wants to be a Jedi, so I showed him my Jedi costume and asked to see the one his mother bought-I did send her extra to get the costume since I knew I would be back before Halloween just was not sure I would be back in time to get him the costume-she told him that’s I was going to buy it.

I was upset but just played it off and said oh that is right and it was in the mail. Thankfully I found a costume Yesterday. I did reach out to his mother when I had a moment in private to ask her where did the money I sent go. She told me that I have no right to question what she does with the money.

Our child’s needs are being met and that is all that matters. She has primary custody and gets majority say. I told her that the money was meant for our child not her. She was not awarded spousal support.

This is where I am getting mixed messages and where I wish to know if what I said made me the a**hole. My mom said I was being the p**ck by questioning how she was raising our child when I am not around.

I do not think I questioning her parenting but I did question how she used the money I sent. She said she would get him the costume. If she needed extra for something that is related to him I will always send extra. Yes, early on I was more accommodating.

While she was not granted spousal support I did cover her rent and also childcare but she took forever to get a job and when she did get a job it was a retail job even though she has a teaching degree.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

VelvetPenguin87 −  I get your reasoning, but YTA. Honestly why didn’t you just buy him the costume in the first place? Coming from my own experience, I saw my dad weekly but he still used child support as an excuse to put eeeeverything on my mom, every decision & every parental labor.

If that’s the case with you then I’d say yeah, she does get to spend the money how she sees fit. You traded in your say in the decision-making for the convenience of not raising your own kid.

randomwords83 −  Info – Op I think you need to make it clear for others that you were questioning what she spent the EXTRA money on as you gave it to her specifically to buy the costume.

The way I read this is that you sent her the usual child support and then sent extra for the costume but she did not buy the costume. So did she originally agree to buy the costume with the extra? Did she know that was the purpose of the extra? If so then NTA.

kteacheronthebrink −  I think people are caught up in the idea of “child support is to support the child’s living situation.” OP already said he paid for rent and pays for childcare. He sends the required amount and then sends extra for things when asked.

He sent money SPECIFICALLY for the costume. Then mom turns around and says “nope. Buy him a costume.” I would have questions too. If I sent money to my child’s school for a fieldtrip they said “we used the money. You need to pay for the fieldtrip” I would also ask questions.

kurokomainu −  NTA This was **extra** money above child support sent for a specific purpose. I think you should have a talk with her and calmly explain that while you understand that the normal, formal child support is under her control.

This was extra money beyond that, and unrelated to that, sent for a specific purpose. It can’t be treated as generic child support money. You want to have a friendly relationship with her and be able to send extra money when her son needs it — but she needs to play fair here.

If she takes extra money that she knows is sent for a specific purpose and then spends it however she pleases while refusing to even let you know where it went, as if it were court-ordered child support.

Then she makes it very difficult for you to send her extra money for specific things for your son as you won’t know if the money will actually be spent on that. It just isn’t workable. You don’t owe that money.

You’re giving it to enrich your child’s life and that making her life easy should only be because she doesn’t have to pay for that expense herself, leaving her more money in her budget.

In this case, her messing around could have left your son with no costume and him thinking you’d let him down, because she’d set things up so that either you came through last minute or you were blamed (unless you involved your son in adult business by telling him the truth, which I’m sure you didn’t want to do).

Meanwhile she spent the costume money as if it were part of her normal budget. You being willing to send her extra money is the golden goose. Her not buying what they money is supposed to be spent on is her risking killing the golden goose.

She needs to realize that she already has it good and working with you just this little bit keeps the golden goose pumping out eggs.

She also needs to realize that her expecting you to voluntarily inject bonus money over the child support money into her budget while getting no say and not knowing anything about how the extra money is spent isn’t going to continue to happen.

Bottom line is she needs think completely differently about extra money you send and the regular child support. They are not one and the same and she has no power to force you to pay extra while keeping you in the dark about where it goes. (Your mother needs to wrap her head around this concept too.)

FinnFinnFinnegan −  I think judging how she spends child support based on her not buying a Halloween costume is a bit extreme. There are myriad reasons she hadn’t ordered the costume and you immediately assumed that she’s mishandling child support funds. Light YTA

Future_Direction5174 −  The Child Support is there to help with the cost of raising a child. It does NOT have to be spent exclusively on that child. A parent with custody needs to be able to house more people (the child). A single person may be happy sharing a flat – if they have a child this is more difficult.

They need to have furniture for that child. They need to cook larger meals to feed that child. They need to do more laundry to keep the child clothes clean. They need to use more water flushing the toilet and washing that child. Providing more hot water means extra energy bills.

They might decide that they need to live in a safer area or one nearer the good schools even if it will cost more. They might now need a larger car to accommodate a child seat, or a newer more reliable car.

The household will use more toilet paper, and basic health supplies (including soap, shampoo, pain killers, sticking plasters, antiseptic creams, sunscreen). Not all the costs of rising a child can be itemised.

As long as your child is fed well, educated, clothed appropriately and is kept healthy then sorry, but you can’t criticise the custodial parents budget choices. A parent and child do not live as cheaply as a single person.. YTA.

Crafty_Special_7052 −  NTA you said you sent her extra money to get a costume and she didn’t. Next time if you want to get anything specific for your child instead of sending extra money to your ex just buy it yourself.

RustyPorkRodeo −  You sent child support plus costume money, it’s not unreasonable to ask what happened to the costume money.
You would be TA if you demanded to know what she was doing with the child support, that’s hers to to spend on the kid as she sees fit

VirgoQueen84 −  Clearly ALOT of yall missed where he sent the extra for the costume!! And if she didn’t have time to get the costume she could have told OP! She did not instead she in essence took the costume money and did what she wanted for it.

I don’t think he’s questioning her for no reason. And yes support is for whatever the child needs including help with utilities etc but he sent the money specifically for his costume and she knew that. She also doesn’t say he’s not taking care of his kid

QueenQueerBen −  NTA – Have to love when the top comments are people saying ‘Child Support is for X, Y and Z’ while actively ignoring the multiple times where you explained you are specifically questioning where the EXTRA money you sent went.

Not the CS money, the additional amount you sent for this specific thing. Of course you are NTA for asking about that. It is your money that you sent to her to get your kid a costume, and somehow she has spent it without getting said thing.

Is the user justified in questioning how the child support is spent, or should they trust the child’s mother to manage the finances without scrutiny? How would you approach this sensitive topic in your own family dynamics? Share your thoughts and experiences below!