AITA for telling my birth mom & brother no to living with me?

A woman wrestles with guilt after telling her birth mother she isn’t comfortable letting her and her autistic brother move in. Taken by the state due to her mother’s past drug abuse, she was later adopted and has minimal contact with her biological family.

She has young children to protect and doesn’t feel equipped to handle her brother’s complex needs. Despite her mother’s struggles, she questions whether she owes them help given her past neglect. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my birth mom & brother no to living with me? ‘

Back story: As a child, I was taken by the state because of my birth mothers d**g abuse. She is actively still an addict. I was eventually adopted. Now I am an adult. She has little to no relationship with us or my children because of her inability to drive to us and spend time with us.

She only ever talks to me if I go out of my way to call her. She doesn’t call me, call ny kids, she sends me texts for my birthday rather than calls, for example. I’ve always struggled to make boundaries with her but even though she’s still struggling,

I always fail myself with keeping that boundary and end up reaching out to see how she is because I love her. I have a brother who is now 18 who I also have little to no relationship with from her side and is also autistic.

I reached out to her recently and a new thing that’s come up in her life is she may possibly be evicted. She mentioned that she would just come live with me if she had to. I froze on the phone and mentioned that I was not comfortable with this.

I have young kids I have to protect, protect our home space, and our home is not very big as is. She later brought up if something happened to her, that my brother could just come stay with us.

I mentioned again, I do not even really have a relationship with him, what about his dad (who is not mine), his grandma, etc. He has options that are close to him and we are over an hour from them currently anyway and again have had a lack of relationship for years.

He struggles to communicate, can not work, etc. His specific issues that I do not feel equipped to handle. I mentioned he would be more comfortable around family that he’s known and seen for years but that again I didn’t think that would be something I would be comfortable with while raising our family.

I feel guilty, because I am so adamant against having them stay with us in any kind of situation. But she has done absolutely nothing for me, has been there little to not at all during my life. Has significant issues in her life. And I just don’t want to put that in my children’s lives at all. AITA for saying no and feeling this way?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Superb-Dream1626 −  She is actively still an addict. This is the only info we needed. No, she cannot live with you and your young kids. NTA.

CandylandCanada −  NTA Gently, you need to stop “mentioning” things, and start using declarative sentences. You are playing defence now, when you’ve done nothing wrong. You can love people without being sucked into their poor life choices. Time to flip the script.

If you choose to reach out again, sidestep all hot-button issues. It may mean that you have bland conversations, but it will prevent you from feeling guilty over things that are \*entirely\* within her control. Talk about the weather, or your kids; avoid asking “what’s new?”

because that will inevitably lead to her engaging in a litany of complaints. If she wants to be part of your life, then you need to control the conversation.

StAlvis −  NTA She mentioned that she would just come live with me if she had to Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**no**. She later brought up if something happened to her, that my brother could just come stay with us.. *Pass.*

plsuh −  NTA There is no way in any universe that you could be considered an AH for keeping either of those two people away from your children. The only way that you could be considered an AH is towards yourself, for repeatedly reaching out to your egg donor even when you know that she’s just going to kick you in the face.

Do yourself and your kids and spouse a favor and get some help. I guarantee that your emotional need for affection from your egg donor is causing pain for them indirectly. Working with a therapist can help you unpack why you keep doing it and give you some tools to break out of the harmful patterns of behavior.

sandpaper_fig −  NTA. She is actively still an addict. I have young kids I have to protect, This is your answer. There is no way you should bring an active addict to live with your children. As for your brother, many autistic people need routine. They can be completely o**rwhelmed by new places and people. Living with your family would not be good for him or for your family.

Content-Resource8741 −  NO is a complete sentence. Use it.

RocknRight −  NTA. No. Is a complete and acceptable answer. And seriously, stop making contact. You’re inviting the drama at this point.

me_no_no −  NTA stay strong!!! Are you currently in therapy?

RedneckDebutante −  NTA You cannot hint or allude with addicts. They’re manipulators and will easily ignore any subtle social cues. Their entire life is fixated on satisfying their addiction. Social niceties don’t exist for them.

You need to be direct: “Mom, neither you nor brother will ever be coming to live with me and me children. They are my priority. You are an adult in charge of your own life. You will need to handle your own living arrangements.”

Suz9006 −  NTA. Give your mother a straightforward “no” or that is not going to happen”. Neither is your responsibility and you owe them nothing,

Is she wrong for setting this boundary, or is it justified given her family’s needs? Share your thoughts!