AITA for insisting on having a best woman.

A Redditor recently found himself in a dilemma over his upcoming wedding. After proposing to his fiancée, he expressed his wish to have his lifelong friend, Zara, as his “best woman” in the wedding party.

However, his fiancée, Sarah, wasn’t on board with the idea, fearing it could give guests the wrong impression and create an awkward dynamic. Read the full story below to see how this unique friendship clashed with traditional expectations.

‘ AITA for insisting on having a best woman. ?’

I 28m just proposed to my fiance 26f Sarah. I have one child from my wife passed away in 2021 from the virus. I honestly never thought I’d find love again but I did. The problem is that my fiance doesn’t want my best friend Zara 29f to be my best woman.

For context my best friend and I have been friends since we were seven years old. She and her family moved in next door and we both bonded over not having the best family situations.

We’ve always had quite the sibling bond and even people who don’t know us sometimes mistake us for siblings because of the way we interact. I love Zara like a little sister. She was there for me when my mom passed and when my wife passed in 2021.

She used to bring over food for my son and I. She and her then boyfriend and now husband would take him out of the house if I just needed to be alone and my son adores her. She’s been there for me at my worst and I wanted her to be apart of a new chapter in my life.

The problem is that my fiance isn’t really her biggest fan. When they first meet Sarah said that when she spoke to her she sounded rude and condescending, which is kind of true because Zara has a much deeper voice than most woman and is on the spectrum so she sounds monotonous all the time.

I’ve explained that to Sarah but she thinks it’s just an excuse. (I was with Sarah the first time they met and she didn’t say anything rude or condescending). She’s also very sarcastic so pair that with the voice and people think she’s rude. She’s actually very kind.

She offers to take Sarah out for girls night when she and the other girlfriends of the friend group go, she’s made an effort to bond with her but according to Sarah they just don’t click which I was fine with because not everyone has to like each other. It’s not like they’re rude to each other and fight, they’re quite friendly and cordial.

Sarah and I were discussing wedding plans the other day and I brought up having Zara as my best woman and Sarah shot down the idea. When I asked why she said she didn’t want Zara to stick out among the other groomsman.

I assumed maybe she didn’t want Zara to wear a dress because she loves her dresses so I told her she’d be fine wearing a suit but she still said no and I got confused and asked if she didn’t want Zara in the wedding party at all and she said yes.

She said she didn’t want to give her friends and other people the wrong impression of me (which to me was very childish.) I insisted that I want Zara as my best woman because as much as I consider my fiancee my best friend and want to make her happy, Zara is also an important person in my life and I want her by my side.

She got frustrated and isn’t speaking to me anymore and her friends think that this means that there’s something going on between me and Zara. (She’s a married woman who hates cheating with every fibre of her being and I see her as my sister btw.) aita?

Check out how the community responded:

spudddyy −  NTA – congrats on your engagement! I can understand where your fiance is coming from, a lot of people will always be apprehensive/jealous of their partners having friends of the opposite s**.

however, the entire time you have been together, she has known that you have a close female friend. if it is truly a massive problem for her, she shouldn’t have continued her relationship with you. pls consider: would you honestly be 100% fine with her having a male “maid of honour” for the wedding? if so, fair enough.

personally, I don’t think you should throw away your whole relationship over this, but I do think you need to explain to her how she is the person you want to marry, and that you just want your best mate up there with you too. her husband could even be another one of the groomsmen. good luck to you with whatever happens!

Ambroisie_Cy −  NTA – Your future wife sounds controlling and jealous. She wants to get rid of the one person who was there for you when you needed a friend the most. * It started with some backhanded comments and not so backhanded ones towards your friend.

* Now she is pushing her out of the wedding. * Next thing, you will hear from Zara once a year through a Christmas card, if you’re lucly. They don’t have to be the best friends in the world.

But your fiancée needs to respect your relationship with Zara So far, from what you wrote, I don’t believe she ever will. You will always be stuck in the middle. Edit: I switched the name of the fiancée and the friend. It’s now corrected

cattleyawarscewiczii −  NTA – “She said she didn’t want to give her friends and other people the wrong impression of me (which to me was very childish.)” EXSCUSE ME!?

what kinda impression has she given they that allowing a close family member (because that is the relationship Ive understood is between you and Zara) to be with you on one of the biggest happy moments can give a wrong impression?

If their, her frienda and “other” people first though is that you are cheating with Zara just because she is you best women, then thats says more of their morals and own experiences (as an other women in a relationship). I would reconsider going to the next level of this relationship until this is properly figured out.

I would at all be suprise she request you stopped hanging out with Zara and try stopping any interaction between her and your child. I would really ask yourself if you are willing to cut Zara off for this relationship because that request will be coming down the line from Sarah.

HLD_Steed −  NTA but let’s look at this differently. You’re a widower and a father meaning Sarah can never occupy the first position in your heart. This may be a subconscious feeling mind you.

You never and can’t ever really fall out of love with your first wife, not like someone who is divorced can but you’ve managed to move on, which is incredible by the way, good for you on that.

You also have a child with your first wife, again that’s a relationship that Sarah can’t ever hold, imagine a wall between that part of your heart and her. That wall can be small, a fence even that she can reach across but to her, that’s a barrier. Now you add Zara into the mix.

Another woman that has a place in your heart. All love is different, she has her on spot and her own walls and fences but imagine all this is setup as a circle with you in the middle, much of the space closest to you, in her heart is occupied. She feels she has to wedge herself in.

Mind you this is just presumptive on my behalf and again may be subconscious on Sarah’s behalf but that sounds like the situation. It’s like in-laws, she not marry your in-laws, they come along, she has to accept or at the very least, tolerate then.

Zara should be viewed as your sister for how’s she’s supported, a friend yes, no blood, but friends are the family we choose. That’s how you need to explain this to Sarah. Getting an intermediary may also help but I’m not going to say this is a red flag and telling you to cut and run like most of the others.. TLDR

You’re NTA, don’t placate her but change how to explain it to her, respect her feelings but she needs to respect yours, Zara is important, family you’ve chosen. There’s no need for Sarah and her to be friends, that wouldn’t be fair, but Zara is your friend and Sarah can’t do the same. Might want to seek counseling.

1962Michael −  INFO: Zara has been your best friend for over 20 years. **So was she your “best woman” in your last wedding?** How did your wife handle that? Or if not, why not?

Personally I don’t believe 2nd weddings should have wedding parties, but if your fiancee was never married then it’s her first. Also if your wife died in 2021 then you’re barely known Sara long enough to propose. I suggest a long engagement to give you time to work out these differences.

Ok_Conversation9750 −  NTA but Sarah is waiving a giant red (and jealousy green) flag in your face!  She is showing her true self – pay attention!

Effective_Pin_1290 −  My daughter was a best woman, the groom also had two grooms women and the Bride had two brides men. It was wonderful, as you say rules like this are made to be broken!

Mellifluous-Squirrel −  NTA. Has Sarah been married before? I’d be reconsidering the engagement simply because the two of you sound worlds apart in how mature you are.. I’m sorry for your loss. 

PersonalitySmall593 −  NTA, she is Jealous of your relationship with your friend and really this should have been dealt with before you got this far into the relationship. Never just assume an issue will resolve itself.

Bfan72 −  NTA. I worked with someone that had a friendship like you and your friend. They knew each other as children. I asked her one time if they ever dated growing up. Her answer was “ewww”. She said he was like a brother to her.

She was his best woman when he got married and he was her man of honor at her wedding. Her friend’s wife had zero problems with her. My former coworker was chosen by her friend and his wife to be in the delivery room to be there when their son was born.

When my former coworker got married her friend’s wife wanted to have a baby the same age. That’s the kind of relationship that you want. Not a lifetime of this drama.

I’m not saying that your friend should be in the delivery room or have children at the same time. I’m saying that you want the two most important non related people in your life to get along.

Do you think the Redditor’s wish to have a female “best woman” is reasonable, or should he prioritize his fiancée’s concerns about the wedding party’s appearance? How would you handle blending unconventional friendships into traditional ceremonies? Share your thoughts below!