AITA for taking my daughter’s college/future savings account ?

A Redditor recently shared a difficult story about managing finances for her children’s future, particularly around one daughter’s college savings. After her husband passed away, she used part of his life insurance to boost her kids’ college funds.

But when her eldest daughter, who has a history of behavioral issues, faced significant consequences from her actions, the mom chose to use that daughter’s college fund for expenses related to her therapy and treatment program.

This decision, however, sparked strong reactions from family members. Read the full story below to understand the family’s complex situation.

‘ AITA for taking my daughter’s college/future savings account ?’

My late husband and I have 3 kids, Elena (16), Lucas (15), and Elizabeth (10). My husband passed 4 years ago and had a large enough life insurance policy that I was able to pay off the house and had enough left over to nearly triple the kids college funds.

There is enough money in each of their accounts for them to go to a public university debt free or at least 2 years in a private university without scholarships or financial aid. Elena has always had mental health/behavioral issues. She’s been in therapy since she was 4 and until last year was attending an alternative school.

Over the summer, she stole her dad’s car and crashed it after I said she couldn’t go on vacation with her friend. Luckily she and the people in the other car were okay but my insurance wouldn’t cover the repairs to the other car.

Her behavior escalated after that and her therapist and I decided it would be best for everyone if she went to a residential program for kids like her. She recommended a few places, I got to tour the facilities and speak with the staff and even some students, and I chose what I believe is the best program for us.

A couple weeks ago my husband’s parents asked how I was able to afford everything with the car and Elena’s school. I make about $70k a year in an area where 100k for a family of 4 is considered low income so it’s a fairly valid question. I told them that all of this had to come out of Elena’s savings account.

There should still be enough in there for her to go to a community college and transfer to a state school but she’d have to get a job to help pay for her expenses. They were so upset that I took this all out of Elena’s account.

They were saying it’s not my money to give (everything was in my name), that she’s a child and I can’t s**ew her over for life over a mistake, and that it’s favoritism by only taking from her account and not her siblings.

They asked how she feels about it and I told them she doesn’t know yet and that we will break it to her when she’s doing better in her program. Now they’re even more upset with me and I wanted to know if I was the a**hole

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

capmanor1755 −  Oof NTA! You’re handled this beautifully. For oh so many reasons… 1) Your 16 year old his having a mental health crisis. A college fund will do her zero good if she’s so unstable that she can’t thrive at college- and if she’s struggling in high school that’s a real good indication that she’d struggle in college.

Mental health care has to be her priority. 2) Since each child had a generous fund it’s very reasonable to use her fund for her care and leave the other kids with theirs.

You’re still leaving her room for community college and even if you couldn’t, there’s a chance that Elana may continue to struggle and now is the right time to put some boundaries between her needs and her siblings needs.

3) You, not your in-laws, are your children’s parents. You alone make parenting decisions. 4) Your husband’s life insurance was left to you, not to his parents. You alone decide how it will be spent.

I’m sorry that they’re interfering. I also fear it’s likely that they may try to stir up contention with Elena and her siblings down the road. I would ask her care team for help developing a plan for sharing with her how you’ve funded her are.

I suspect they’ll agree to wait until she’s stabilized but it would be good to have a therapeutic team behind you. And really, unless her grandparents are in a position to fund her care or fund her college they can stuff it.

puntacana24 −  NTA – Frankly it’s none of their business how you choose to spend your deceased husband’s life insurance money, and personally I’m quite impressed that you’ve generously given so much of it to your kids. Your decision is perfectly reasonable and you aren’t an AH for it.

RandomGirl42 −  NTA. Firstly, actions like stealing and wrecking cars have consequences, and your in-laws are bloody useless idiots if they “think” 16 is too young to learn that.

Secondly, tbh it sounds like Elena probably wouldn’t make it to any college without addressing what ever her issues are first, so the program seems a sound investment in her future.

Ok_Conversation9750 −  NTA. If your late husband’s parents are so distraught over your financial decisions, they can pay the bills from the accident! 

Ok-Status-9627 −  NTA. It is a difficult position. If you took from all three kids’ college funds, you would be the TA, because you would be punishing two for the dangerous and illegal actions of the third.

By taking only from Elena’s accounts to fund Elena’s program, yes, you are limiting Elena’s educational options, but if the residential program does what you hope, you are also opening up further opportunities to her, relative to the current situation.

ugetanewdaddy −  You’re probably the a**hole for sending her to a TTI facility. Just look at r/troubledteens . The industry is a breeding ground for abuse and adding to the trauma. Your kid is traumatized and acting out, and maybe even had issues before dad died.

If your kid crashed into someone else and you have to pay for it, it’s fine that you took their inheritance to do it, but you should have told them before you did it, because that’s how you would want to be treated.

I’m sorry you’re life situation is super difficult, but don’t be so o**rwhelmed that you send you kid to a private juvenile prison in the hopes that they get better without your care. Outpatient psychiatric sure, TTI facility, no way. Yes I’m a father of a daughter.

DerbyDogMom −  NTA but you would be if you took from her siblings to pay for her issues. 

money_me_please −  Those behavioral schools/programs are scams. You’re wasting her money

Kami_Sang −  I have a different take – she’s a child with mental health issues. If she had a physical health issue would you take the money from her college fund? The answer to this determines if yta.

To me it seems that instead of you trying to figure out the funding you just decided that college would have to be sacrificed and you haven’t even told her.

I hope you and all your advisors know what you’re doing. If your child wants to go to college, I’m pretty sure when you finally tell her the funds are depleted you’ll probably undo any good this step makes.. Good luck!

Tdluxon −  INFO- Did your husband’s parent contribute to the college fund or did you and your husband provide all of the money?

Do you think it was fair for the mother to use part of her daughter’s college savings for necessary treatment, or should she have found a different way? How would you handle this kind of tough financial choice for a child’s future? Share your thoughts below!