AITA for yelling at my parents for referring to my decease daughter as just my step daughter ?

A man deeply mourns the unexpected loss of his daughter Kate, who he raised as his own since she was a baby. When his estranged parents learned of her passing, they suggested she was “just” his stepdaughter, saying he should find comfort in his biological children.

Hurt by their comment, he yelled, expressing that he’s always been Kate’s father in every meaningful way. His parents later accused him of overreacting, and his wife suggests they may have just tried to help. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for yelling at my parents for referring to my decease daughter as just my step daughter ?’

I met my now wife 15 years ago, she had an almost 1 year old daughter. I’ll refer to her as “Kate”. Being a dad was something I always wanted plus my wife is such a great mother I fell in love with her and Kate very quickly. Kate became my daughter, her bio dad wasn’t involved.

So Ive been the one helping with homework, at every gymnastics meet, giving advice when needed, at doctors appointments, etc, etc. I’ve never been a stepdad only a dad to Kate. I haven’t had a good relationship in years with my parents. I have been in basically no contact with them for about 12 years.

The only contact has been just with me and not my family and only via phone calls. That’s only about once a year though around the holidays. After they decided having biological children was far more important for me than my already daughter kate. Kate passed away a month ago.

It was very unexpected, it has turned my whole family’s world upside down. Whole family is in grief therapy and we are just taking things one step at a time.
A week ago I got a phone call from my parents saying they heard from other relatives of mine about kate passing.

Was wondering how I was doing and I ended up being really vulnerable sharing how difficult it has been for me and the rest of my family since kate passed away. My mom ended up saying at least I still have my biological children and Kate’s just my step daughter.

I yelled at them to not refer to Kate as “just my step daughter” and I’m her dad in every way that matters because I have been there for her and love her so much. My dad called me an AH for yelling at them when they were just trying to help me feel better.

My wife understands why I got mad but was wondering If I could have been a little more understanding because we have learned some people have a weird way of trying to support when a person is grieving.. So, AITA?

See what others had to share with OP:

thinkevolution −  NTA You already had strained communication with them because of how they referred to Kate previously. So your mom was aware that that was something that would be triggering and said it anyway.. I’m sorry for your loss.

buttercupgrump −  NTA Your parents are absolutely vile. Kate is your daughter even if she’s not biologically related to you. Dismissing her as just a “step” daughter is cruel. I think now might be the time to cut them off completely. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

EmpressJainaSolo −  NTA. At all. How would saying that make anyone grieving feel better? She wasn’t *just* anything.. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Dominique-Gleeful −  Nta in the least. Kate is your daughter, not step. Personally I’d at the very least go NC with anyone who said that about my dad. May I offer my condolences to you and your family 

Bfan72 −  NTA. Stop speaking to them. They aren’t showing you real support. Your kids shouldn’t be in your parent’s life either. I’m sure that they would say that your daughter isn’t a real sister to them because she wasn’t biologically yours too.

if-anything −  Definitely NTA. And I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Also: I want to point out that your parents are definitely the assholes here. It sounds like they have never understood or respected the fact that you are Kate’s dad.

They made their s**tty comments *after* you told them how hard things have been for you and your family since Kate passed away. Yes, sometimes people do have weird ways of trying to show support, or don’t really know what to say when someone is grieving.

And if they blurted out something insulting/hurtful at the start of the conversation, you could’ve *maybe* cut them a little slack? But that’s not what happened here. (TBH, even if it had been the beginning of the conversation, they would have been the assholes…)

CandylandCanada −  NTA You have enough on your plate; it’s not your job to teach two adults how to speak to a grieving father.

Unevenviolet −  I’m assuming that you have told your parents in the past that it wasn’t appropriate for them to make a distinction between Kate and the bio kids. This is no different than singling out an adopted kid as less than. It’s just plain never acceptable and cruel.

These are people that cannot muster compassion for a little girl enough to control their mouths and behavior. They are either unkind or mentally incapable of seeing it from yours and Kate’s perspective. You don’t owe them one thing and you are allowed your grief and outrage. Don’t expect them to understand it and protect your kids from their toxicity. So sorry.

que_he_hecho −  NTA Downplaying another’s grief is not a “weird way of trying to support” the grieving person. It is invalidating their grief entirely, a truly horrible thing to do.

SparklyChemMajor −  NTA. Even if she wasn’t your daughter and just someone you’re friends with for example, imagine saying to someone “aw don’t be sad X passed away, it’s not like they were family!” Like wtf? They’re a human being that you care about. They may not have seen her as your daughter but you do. They’re projecting their own feelings onto you.

Was he right to defend his relationship with Kate? Share your thoughts below!