AITA for taking back a family heirloom from my DIL before the wedding ?

A Reddit user recounts a family heirloom dispute that has created tension between him, his future daughter-in-law, and his son. When he gifted his future daughter-in-law a meaningful bracelet to wear at her wedding, she later expressed disdain for it, leading him to ask for the heirloom back.

This decision has caused a rift, with his son feeling caught in the middle. Is he wrong for wanting the heirloom returned after the DIL’s hurtful comments? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for taking back a family heirloom from my DIL before the wedding ?’

My family has two heirlooms that we give to a bride or groom when they marry. For the men, it’s a set of cufflinks, and for the women, it’s a bracelet. My oldest son and my oldest sister are married, and their spouses wore the bracelet or cufflinks at their weddings.

This tradition is essentially our family’s way of saying, “We’re accepting you into the family.” When my future DIL got engaged, I gave her the bracelet and explained that it’s a family heirloom, expressing how meaningful it would be if she wore it at the wedding.

I mentioned that she could wear it during the reception if she preferred not to wear it in the ceremony. It’s a white jade bracelet, and I shared its significance with her. Now, with the wedding only a few months away, there’s a problem.

My daughter has been getting to know my future daughter-in-law, and she recently came to me, saying that my future daughter-in-law thinks the bracelet is u**y and has been complaining about it.

She even showed me texts where my future daughter-in-law said some hurtful things about me, calling me a “controlling ass” for giving her the bracelet. This was hurt and it feels like a complete r**ection, especially since she knows why it’s important.

When I asked my son, he said he didn’t know anything about her feelings on this. Since she clearly doesn’t want or respect the bracelet, I asked for it back. That’s when things got messy. She made a big deal about how I was excluding her from the family by taking it back.

Now, she’s pissed and calling me a j**k. My son also thinks I’m a j**k for taking it back, even after I showed him what she said. People are divided over this, saying that by taking it back, it implies I don’t see her as family or trust her with the heirloom

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Aggravating-Item9162 −  info: if she had simply come to you and said “hey, I appreciate the sentiment sooo much, but this really isn’t my style, and I don’t want to wear it at the wedding”, how would you have reacted?

[Reddit User] −  INFO – So how did your daughter get these texts? Did DIL tell daughter all of this? Seems fishy.

LandofDonkey −  NTA – if she’s calling a family heirloom “u**y” and calling you “controlling” behind your back, sounds like she missed the “meaningful family tradition” memo.

If she doesn’t respect the bracelet (or the sentiment behind it), why should it stay with her? Taking it back isn’t excluding her; it’s just making sure it ends up with someone who appreciates it.

Sami_George −  Ok so let’s break this down… You have this family heirloom that you lent to DIL as a way of saying “we accept you in our family” and mentioned she didn’t have to wear the bracelet the whole time. Ok, cool, fine, adorable.

So your DIL confided in your daughter about not liking the bracelet and felt like you were being controlling about telling her what to wear at her wedding. I don’t love this, but she is allowed to have negative feelings pertaining to this tradition.

It was never in her mind growing up and thinking about her wedding and she doesn’t like the look. That’s her right. I really don’t love that your daughter essentially tattled on DIL to you about this.

Then you took all of that and decided you didn’t want DIL to have the bracelet at all and, by your admission, are basically saying, “we don’t accept you as family anymore” because she wasn’t playing well by your rules.

I will admit that her calling you a “controlling ass” for having her partake in a tradition is too far. And I think that makes her an AH, even though that thought was never meant for you to hear. But instead of going to her and saying.

“I understand you don’t like the bracelet and I don’t want to pressure you into wearing something you don’t want to wear at your own wedding” you doubled down, took the bracelet away, and became a controlling ass.

So now there’s unnecessary drama because DIL expressed her feelings to the wrong person, your daughter tattled, and you took it personally. And I seriously doubt DIL will trust either of you after this. And your son will (rightfully) take her side as his wife. So fix this or be prepared for consequences.. ESH.

Montanapat89 −  Info – did she, in fact, give it back? You don’t make that clear, but I will assume that she did. I will give a conditional NTA, but it could have been the way the conversation went. During the initial conversation, was she given the option of NOT wearing it and putting it on a table or your son wearing it?

Or, was it so important to you that she felt she had no choice? From her side, it probably doesn’t fit her vibe and maybe she doesn’t want to ruin that. Maybe you came across as controlling and she didn’t feel she had a choice but to accept it. You don’t say how old she and your son are.

Maybe it’s immaturity. What’s her relationship with her mom? Is her mom controlling? For sure, she is the AH for not telling you that she didn’t like it. For sure she should not have put anything in a text to YOUR daughter. I think it’s time the two of you sit down and have a conversation.

Cappa_Cail −  I can appreciate that OP felt what future DIL said was hurtful, but why didn’t the daughter, recipient of the texts, respond with a “talk to my mum about it, it’s a tradition, but I’m sure she’d understand” and at the very least “excuse me, but please do not refer to my mother as an ass.”

For that matter, why didn’t OP speak directly with future DIL. “I hear you’re not a fan of the bracelet. My own mother didn’t wear it, she just had it on the table. There are always options.” OP, you have (hopefully) a lot of years with this young woman in your life. Think long term.

I’d try to clear the air. Talk to your son on how best to approach the situation and I hope there are those encouraging future DIL to figure out a way to move forward with her fiancé’s mother.

anbaric26 −  NTA.
it implies I don’t see her as family or trust her with the heirloom. I mean, why should you? If she was complaining, calling it u**y, calling you names…doesn’t sound like SHE wants to be part of your family.

Why is the expectation that you have to accept her if she isn’t showing an interest in being part of your family or traditions in return? Relationships are a two-way street. If she doesn’t want to wear it that’s fine, she could still show respect for the traditions of the family she is marrying into.

Second question is why your son is okay with this. Normally I’m all for husbands standing up for their wives, but in a case where his wife is calling his mother names behind her back and complaining about *his own* family traditions, why is he calling you the j**k?

You said you showed him the texts; why is he okay with his wife saying stuff like that about his family? Honestly I think that would hurt me more than her actions.

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – She clearly didn’t want it by virtue of the texts she sent. Taking it back meant you could give it to another person more appreciative. Her complaining now to everyone is just her trying to cover up for herself for her a**orrent behavior.

ust ignore her and the others who side with her bad behavior and look forward to giving it to someone in the future who truly deserves it. Taking it back only implies, not that you don’t trust her, only to her not worthy to having the bracelet.

explodingwhale17 −  ESH.
To you it’s a lovely heirloom that represents acceptance into the family. To her it is an unattractive piece of jewelry she does not want to wear and which you are making into a huge deal. She complained behind your back- immature .

Your daughter told you what she said – tattling. She had no right. You got all offended and want to take it back- you ARE controlling and kind of a j**k. She does not have to wear something she does not like in order to be accepted into your family.

You do not get to be pushy even if it means alot to you. She should have said something to you instead of complaining but it isn’t clear that she would have felt she could.

coastalkid92 −  INFO: were these texts between your DIL and your daughter?

Was the father justified in asking for the bracelet back after discovering the DIL’s negative feelings about it, or did he overreact and damage their relationship before the wedding? How would you handle the situation in his shoes? Share your thoughts below!