AITA for excluding my brother from my wedding because of his “fun facts”?

A Redditor shares his difficult decision to exclude his older brother, David, from his wedding due to a history of disruptive “fun facts” and boundary issues that often dominate family gatherings. The situation has escalated with his parents, who continue to defend David’s behavior, leaving the couple to consider excluding them as well. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for excluding my brother from my wedding because of his “fun facts”?’

I have an older brother David (41). David has boundary issues and was in the learning disabled classes. My parents never let him out of the home. He has an very rough personality and because he was never allowed to work or do anything so in his 40’s he doesn’t have friends. He still dominates the conversation at every holiday with “fun facts” and goes off on those and doesn’t realize no one is listening.

My other siblings and I just really don’t like David because my parents let him do whatever and just dominate whatever social settings we are in. My older sister eloped because of David being my mom kept trying to find David a “place” at her wedding.

I’m getting married to Mel, and my youngest brother Nick is my best man. My sister who is close to Mel is in the bridal party. Her husband is one of my best men and their son is a ring bearer. My wife wants a real wedding and not be forced to elope like my sister did.

David has no place. He’s not going to be invited because the first thing he did was insult the ring I got my Mel was his “fun facts” about how diamonds are worthless and do not resell well. I should have got her a second hand engagement ring or a colored stone engagement ring.

We then got a history on engagement rings and marriage tradition. We tried shutting him up but he wouldn’t and my mom said let “the professor talk” Even at 40 she thinks my brother “fun facts” are cute.

This put a hard no on Mel’s stance that my brother can’t come to the wedding. If my parents defend him, even once, they are not coming. She not having not wedding like my sister and it’s time for David to be put in his place.

Mom called and asked about wedding planning and I told her she wasn’t involved after what happened to my sister wedding dress shopping (Mom brought David who told everyone his fun facts about wedding dress history) that’s when my sister decided to elope.

I told mom if she and dad wanted to come to the wedding as guests they can but David isn’t invited. Mom didn’t talk for awhile. I think she started crying because my dad took over the phone call. I told him what upset mom and said David isn’t invited and mom can’t be trusted to be involved in wedding planning without David tagging along.

Dad said he doesn’t understand why we all hate David and I told him what is wrong with his “fun facts” My dad said “the boy likes to talk and there’s no harm in it”. I told my dad that’s the thing there is harm in David’s “fun facts” and now no one wants to be around him.

Dad started arguing saying stuff in defense of David and I told dad we are at a stalemate and I guess all 3 of you won’t be coming to the wedding. I’m sorry but that is how it is. I ended the conversation with my dad and my mom has been upset texting like a crazy person to everybody about how we all need to understand David.

What I’m doing is mean. Mel feels like this whole thing is why I can’t invite David or my parents. I agree that they can’t even be trusted to come to my wedding without sneaking David in.

Check out how the community responded:

Only-Ingenuity7889 −  Mom took David to the wedding dress shopping?????  I would have walked out the moment I saw him.  NTA

capmanor1755 −  Sigh. Your brother is showing every sign of being smack in the middle of the autism spectrum and your parents responded by clutching to anything they could to preserve their sense of normalcy. “He’s just a talker” “Let the professor talk” ” He doesn’t mean any harm” “He’ll be hurt if he’s the only one left out.”

Without giving his siblings any semblance of an education about the neurological pattern your brother was born with, or any skills for setting boundaries and not taking his speech patterns personally. Then your mom went mama bear and is even more prone to feeling the sting of leaving him out than he is- I HIGHLY doubt he cared about not being invited dress shopping.

Don’t respond to fire with fire, just keep some firm boundaries. Mel’s “if they defend him even once they aren’t coming” is unhelpful. They’re going to defend him because that’s what they do. But you deserve useful boundaries not wild escalation.

1) Continue to plan the wedding without inviting them to group events. Keep things like dress shopping and cake tasting off social media- you’ve got a challenging family situation so don’t inflame it.

2) Hire a security guard for the wedding now so you both can relax and know that you won’t have to worry about David.

3) You, just you, meet with your parents and explain that David won’t be able to come to the wedding because he doesn’t have the social skills to be successful there, and that you’ll have a security guard escorting out any drop ins.

Tell your mom and dad that you’d love to have them come but that they need to decide if they’re ok with this being a parents only invite. Acknowledge the weirdness right up front… “I know you have a hard time going to events he’s not invited to and I know you wish we were all closer but we’re not.

That’s sad but that’s the way it is and I want you to take some time to think about it. We’d really love to have both of you if you feel like you’d be able to come. And I know you’re going to want to go mama bear and fight this decision so I want to say ahead of time that I’ll be muting any texts or chats where you try to argue this.”

4) Prepare for what they call an extinction burst…. your mom is going to call/text/chat her brains out to try to get you to change your mind. Remind her once that it’s not up for discussion and that you’ll be muting the texts and chats any time she brings it up. The prepare to do so about 100 times.

5) If she enlists any other family members to pressure you use the same technique… tell them once that it’s not up for discussion and that you’ll be muting the text/chat every time they bring it up then prepare to do so about 100 times.

6) Deescalate your fiancé. Encourage her to mute your family between now and the wedding and let you handle ALL of this. She should mute them on social media channels and mute them on text. It should help her relax to see you setting boundaries.

In the meantime ask her to read an article on understanding people with autism. It will help ALL of you to take this less personally if you understand the neurological pattern your brother was born with. NTA but this is going to take some rewinding – you’ve got a 30+ year family pattern that will take some time to unwind.

WantToBelieveInMagic −  NTA. Let’s be clear, it isn’t David’s fun facts or that he likes to talk that is the core problem, it is that every gathering becomes about him and only him. That there isn’t room for anyone else to say, do or feel anything themselves and any joy you and your siblings might have in being together is killed dead by his behaviour. You will not let him s**k all the joy out of your wedding. It isn’t David’s fault. It is his parent’s fault. Tell them that.

TemptingPenguin369 −  INFO: Has David been diagnosed with anything?

EmployeeEuphoric620 −  INFO is David incapable of making decisions for himself? The way you talk about him in this story he could be replaced by your mom having an annoying yappy dog that no one likes. Is it not possible to discuss his behavior with him directly? He’s in his 40s and is clearly capable of communicating to some degree

Silaquix −  NTA but your parents are delusional and straight up harming David by coddling and indulging him. You stated in comments that he’s never even been diagnosed with anything and your parents refuse to have him evaluated.

They have hamstrung him. Someone needs to sit down with them and ask them what their plans are for David when they die. How will he take care of himself when they’ve never taught him how to behave socially or how to hold a job. For all they know if he had been evaluated and given early intervention, he may have a regular life with a spouse and kids.

But they robbed him of that chance with the way they’ve treated him. They may very well expect that you and your siblings will “step up” and become his caretakers. Or they may be planning to leave everything to David in their wills which will backfire considering he’s never been taught to be self sufficient.

They have set him up for failure and they need to fix this mistake as quickly as possible. Your dad is probably the most reasonable one to have this conversation with and then he can help bring your mom around. As annoying as he may be, remember your parents made him this way and the situation is borderline if not out right a**sive. He’s in a very pitiable situation and is going to have a very harsh life once they pass.

applebum8807 −  NTA in any way shape or form. Your parents have failed David, and this is the natural consequence of enabling this behavior for decades. Also it’s really f**king weird that he’s 40 and they still talk about him as if he’s a small child.

Do not mention anything about the wedding to the three of them, and make sure your siblings are also aware and don’t do it either. Hire security and make sure they know what your parents and David look like.

Atherial −  NTA. Your brother is used to being the center of attention. Always. He’s never not been the center. It’s not even fair to call it main character syndrome since he doesn’t know any different. Your parents created this problem.

There is nothing wrong with your future wife wanting to be the center of attention at her own wedding. The only way she will get this is if your brother doesn’t come. Be happy that you still ended up with so many awesome people who do want to support you and your new family. Your other siblings sound really great.

Illustrious-Ad-4885 −  NTA. But hire security, they are still going to try and come.

blueocean43 −  ESH, but mostly your parents for not getting your brother an autism assessment, giving him any tools to connect the neurotypical way, or explaining to you and your siblings his ways of connecting.

For that last one, from an autistic person’s perspective, it’s obvious that your brother is trying really hard to connect, but in doing so is pushing you away further. What he’s doing is referred to as info-dumping, and one of the many ways an autistic person can show affection is researching a topic of interest to you, instead of to themselves, and info dumping about that.

The engagement ring conversation was almost exactly the same as one I had with a friend when I got engaged, and because I had actually been taught about autism, I could see that she was excited about my engagement and wanted to share that with me in her own way. Overall, this post is just really sad.

Do you think the groom’s decision was too harsh, or is he justified in setting boundaries to protect his wedding day? How would you handle a family member like David in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!