AITA for not being friendly with my partners daughters now that they’ve “warmed up” to me?

A Reddit user shares her experience of navigating a tricky relationship with her partner Tim’s daughters. Despite showing generosity towards Tim, his daughters have assumed she’s with him for money and have been unkind during previous visits.

Now that they’ve learned she’s financially supporting their father and isn’t after their “family money,” they’ve suddenly warmed up and want to reconnect. However, the user is reluctant to engage with them after their initial coldness. Now, she’s questioning if she’s being too unforgiving for not wanting to pursue a friendship with them. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not being friendly with my partners daughters now that they’ve “warmed up” to me?’

I’m (42) dating Tim (59), a widower. He’s in banking, I’m a bartender. I know what it looks like. His 2 daughters thought the same thing, but he’s broke as a joke and I’ve got a trust fund, so actually no.

He’s broke because his late wife got cancer. 3 times. He ran up 6 credit cards, 2^(nd) mortgage on the house, cashed out his retirement, everything and anything to get her the treatment she needed and then to get treatment enough to see both daughters married. His daughters live 6hrs drive away.

We drove to them for Xmas last year and the year before. They ignored me, dragged Tim away when he tried to include me and prevented their husbands from making even small talk with me by talking over me.

Year 1 Tim chastised them, they apologized (to him, not me) They blamed the pain of seeing their Dad with a woman who wasn’t their Mum.. Year 2, they did it again.. This year I told Tim not again. He could go, I would never ask him not to see his daughters for Xmas but I’ll stay here.

Tim didn’t love the idea because me going with him means we can share the responsibility of driving when his back starts to bother him. (He hates to fly) His 2010 deathtrap is starting to go anyway, so I leased him a comfy luxury ride (my brother has a dealership).

He called the girls, super excited that he’d be able to see them more often without having to worry about his back,, who then blew up and accused him of spending their Mothers money on a “bull\*\*\*\* house and car to impress some bimbo bartender and didn’t offer them a dime for their weddings”

In the ensuing argument it came out that they assumed there had been a life insurance policy, nor did they have any idea about the credit card debt or the 2^(nd) mortgage that the house was underwater on or that Tim was looking at foreclosure and bankruptcy until he moved in with me.

They did not realize it was my house, that he pays no bills save the water bill (man takes excessive showers) and shared groceries. Now the girls want my number. They are sorry I “felt lonely” at Xmas. They want to come visit and stay with us next year! Conveniently in summer, I live near a beach. I’ve told Tim absolutely not about giving out my number.

I’m happy to be polite if they come to visit Tim but, we’re not going to be friends. If they had talked to me for even 2 seconds they’d have understood. I am not shy about admitting the only thing I have ever contributed to my blessed financial state is “not developing a crippling coke addiction” like my cousin Danny did.

Tim thinks I’m being too unforgiving. They would have warmed up to me eventually but knowing how generous I am being with their Father has made them warm up quicker. I maintain I don’t care about now or later, they had their chance to not be catty brats over incorrect assumptions that I was taking advantage of him.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Masta-Blasta −  Info: did your partner ever do anything to correct these assumptions or was he keeping up the lie to save face?

Stardust_Shinah −  NTA. You don’t owe them a damn thing. That being said, they are his kids and you gotta consider that if you don’t extend an olive branch that means he will be pulled in the middle and eventually push will come to shove. Is that something you’re comfortable with?

KBD_in_PDX −  Considering that the daughters knew nothing at all about their parents’ financial state BEFORE you arrived, it’s safe to assume that they did not regularly have conversations with their parents about planning for end of life, etc. It’s hard to say who is the a**hole without knowing if your partner ever corrected their assumptions that you were being supported by him.

It COULD be concerning as an adult to see your parent making extravagant purchases for/with a partner. You say you know what the situation looks like to outsiders… so why would you not be understanding of them thinking it is what it looks like?. So my question would be: Did your partner ever tell them that they have things backwards, and that he doesn’t support you financially at all, and in fact you support him?

LilyLuigi −  They aren’t being nice because you are helping their dad. They hope to get stuff from you.

Live-Work8185 −  Info: did Tim ever correct their assumption? Im assuming that the ‘bimbo gold digger’ commentary has been floating around and he knew about it. If so, why were they never corrected ? Also how did they not know that he was flat broke especially when the mother was getting cancer treatments and after d**th – will, funeral, etc ? Seems like something that would have been shared …

Solid-Technology-448 −  NTA. These are grown women, not angry children, and you owe them nothing– certainly not the money and favors they very obviously want.

But also, I’m extremely concerned that your husband never set them straight before. This man spent TWO YEARS watching his daughters treat his wife like a golddigger and never once told them off and told them the truth? You have bigger problems than horrible stepchildren

Itslikeazenthing −  Putting myself in the situation as his daughters. It would be hard for me to see my dad move on especially to someone young and different than my mom after a tough d**th. Even as adults these type of things bring out the worst in a person.

If he’s a decent guy and he says his daughters are decent people then perhaps chalk it up to a s**tty trauma response and them thinking you were using their poor sad sap dad. Knowing that someone cared for my dad enough to help him through an emotional and financially difficult period would mean a lot to me. It’s possible they do appreciate you more now that they know you’re helping their dad rather than taking advantage.

I think it’s in your best interest to accept the olive branch but hold back a bit for your own security. You may end up gaining some bonus fun cast of characters in your life. Or they are douchey s**t bags and you can tell Tim to keep his family separate. NTA- but also sometimes being an a**hole happens because life is hard and losing your mom sucks.

Yenyenyenyena −  I think it’s quite telling that they’re upset their father (appeared to) spend money on a car that wasn’t 15 years old so he could visit them more often/safely, and instead wanted that money spent on themselves. Concerned they’re warning up to the idea that they’ll get your money.. NTA

bulletproofboyscouts −  NTA. They’re not warming up because you were generous to their father, they’re warming up because they think it entitles them to generosity from *you*. If they visit, tell them to rent an Airbnb, but do not house them because that door’s closed and they did their best to nail it shut.

I’d be civil but distant, which is far more than they were clearly intending on being to you. Your partner can deal because he could’ve done better about defending you.

Extension-Issue3560 −  With all due respect…..if he has too much pride to tell his daughters the truth about being broke….. where is that pride when it comes to living off of you. 🤷‍♀️

Do you think she’s justified in setting boundaries after the way she was treated, or should she try to build a relationship now that the misunderstanding has been cleared up? How would you approach mending strained relationships with your partner’s family? Share your thoughts below!