AITA for cancelling my wife’s birthday party after she called my sister a leech?

My wife’s birthday party was suppose to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year, it is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else ruining the present surprise.

My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything but the big thing that my wife hate is that my sister has asked for money or help. We have a shared account and keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I lend her from my account not the shared account.She also pays me back.

So I sent my wife’s present to my sister house and was going to pick them up Thursday. I got a text for my sister saying she got the packages and my wife saw the text.

She made a comment about giving handouts again. She basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending her s**t. She called my sister a leech that can’t get her s**t together This resulting in argument and I told her that she was holding her birthday present but I am returning them. I am also canceling the dinner party.

Another big argument and I did cancel the plan and asked my sister to return the packages.
My wife is pissed at me and called me a j**k and I told her that this is her own fault.

Check out how the community responded:

CandylandCanada −  ESH
You are treating your wife like a child who needs to be punished because she said something that you didn’t like.
You are conflating two different issues: the tension between those two, and her birthday.

You should have acted like an adult, and had a calm discussion where you expressed your feelings about wife’s comments. Instead, you are being high-handed and patronizing.
Wife and sister’s (to a lesser extent) bad behaviour is obvious. Wife should have left the matter between you and sister. Sister should get her act together.

East_Parking8340 −  If you are lending (or giving) money to the detriment of your household you’d be an i**ot. However, in this case you have a shared account which funds the household so there is no impact.

It’s interesting that your wife opens packages that are sent to you. I’d guess that if you opened her packages she’d be livid (double standards). It suggests she has no boundaries and doesn’t want you to have, not secrets, exactly, but things for yourself. It smacks of a controlling nature.
You‘re NTA for cancelling but you would be if you don’t sit her down and set boundaries.

Principessa116 −  YTA. This question asked if you were TA for cancelling the party. YES, you are.
You could have told her IMMEDIATELY that your sister was holding her birthday present, but it sounds like you held that fact back as some sort of GOTCHA moment to try to make your wife feel bad, meanwhile you let her think that your sister is taking advantage of you again.

You already knew about the tension between them, you could have made other arrangements to hold the package. Like have it shipped to an amazon locker and you pick it up and stash it before she knows there’s a package to open.

The two of you have a disagreement about a misunderstanding that you let linger on purpose, and you punish your wife by cancelling her celebration? JFC. You’re not her father who’s not letting her go to the school dance to teach her a lesson.

You ruined her night, ruined the night of the other people who were planning to attend, and caused further resentment between your wife and your sister, who you had return the gifts. You just showed your wife that when it comes down to it, she can’t trust you, you have no problem embarrassing her publicly over a PRIVATE disagreement you had, and that you value your sister more than you value your wife.

If you want to keep this relationship, and it doesn’t sound like you do, you need to reschedule the party give her the gifts she was going to get plus an apology gift, and go to a marriage counselor to discuss this issue and your disproportionate, paternalistic reaction.

ncslazar7 −  ESH. Why are you both so passive-aggressive? Good relationships are built on communication, but retaliation.

Butterfl_Blue0324 −  NTA! Whoever disagrees are choosing to deliberately overlook the fact that your sister pays the money that comes from YOUR account, back. Not only that, you said she hasn’t asked in a while nor was she asking then. Instead of your wife asking what she was talking about, she FAFO 🤷🏾‍♀️

chinacat2u2 −  I’m guessing this behavior and your reactions are years in the making.

ArnoldtheDemon −  Honestly Brother, I think this marriage will not be “until d**th do us part” unless one of you kills the other

[Reddit User] −  YTA specifically for the question you asked, “AITA for canceling my wife’s birthday party for calling my sister a mean name?”
Yes. You are. What you did is what you would do to *badly* parent a child. A) the consequence does nothing to correct the behavior you want to change and B) your wife isn’t your child and doesn’t need to be punished by you.

whichwitch9 −  ESH
Yeah, this is really gonna help things. Great move. Get to advertise your marriage sucks, and you’re allowing your sister to be as involved in your home as your wife, too!

KoalityThyme −  All things aside, it says a lot that your wife saw a message and instantly started a rant about your sister. Either you bail your sister out A LOT, or your wife is controlling. (or both).

I think she’s an a**hole in general for seeing a message not for her (how did she see it? Popped up on your phone? Snooping?) and just going off without bothering to ask you about it. The bare minimum she should have done is ask. I would think it’s reasonable to return gifts in this situation personally. First thing you do is talk s**t? Guess the package isn’t for you after all.

Fully cancelling her party? Depends. If she’s actually just taking her chance to s**t on your family for no legitimate reason? Sure. Consequences. You don’t reward a**hole behaviour. If this is like the 1 out of 10 times that the package you sent your sister actually wasn’t just you buying s**t for her…. you’re an a**hole.