AITAH for refusing to raise husband’s secret child?

A Redditor shares a difficult situation after learning her husband has a secret child from a past relationship. With a history of control issues and occasional physical arguments, she’s ready to leave the marriage, though her in-laws are now urging her to stay for the sake of the child. Despite the family pressure, she is set on prioritizing her own happiness and her son’s wellbeing, refusing to take on a motherly role for her husband’s child.

‘ AITAH for refusing to raise husband’s secret child?’

I f (32 ) met my husband in arrange marriage setup ( at 21, he was 27 and in post graduate medical degree ) during my mbbs days and we liked each other and got married after year of courtship. But after marriage I found out that he was so controlling etc. From clothes to my male friends.

It became an issue for him. I have to fight for my dressup ( he liked me as modern girl, but after marriage he wanted me to wear traditional ). I had my son at 25 and with help of my parents and in laws. I was able to complete my mbbs and later my residency.

We have had our ups n down as he was controlling and I had to fight lot for myself. We had separated finances because from our joint investments , he gifted his sister lots of gold without even asking. But I stayed shut because I loved my mother and father in laws.

Now I have recently found out my husband had son with a woman 12 years back and in india, having a child before marriage is sin. It’s seen as black mark especially on women even today . But the women here wasn’t liked by my in-laws and they gave her huge amount of money and one rental property to stay out of their lives. Which she obliged. That’s why they rushed his marriage with me.

Now she is dying with cancer . She visited our home and it was huge mess. Her son fully looks like my husband. And my husband admitted as he had no other option. He hasn’t met that kid in years.

Now I am asking for a divorce. I am going to get half of our joint assets. I earn well to keep my son happy and successful ( I have my own clinic and pharmacy shop on my parents property ). So I am financially set. Now my in laws has taken that other kid as mother is very sick and is in hospital. I am currently at my parents house.

They are asking me to raise the kid and forgive my husband. All throughout life. I have handled his anger issue. Slaps ( not regular but sometimes during argument , though I slapped back too). He didn’t cheat post marriage. But I wasn’t informed earlier about the kid. I will never stop my son’s access to his father or paternal grandparents.

But I don’t want any relation with that kid of his. I don’t care if he is innocent or not. I don’t want to be resentful step mother of some child. I also always wanted one kid. My parents haven’t pressurized me but they say give this marriage a chance and just be cordial to kid if possible. But I shut it down. They don’t know about slaps ( happened six seven times in total ).

My husband has been served divorced papers..him, my in-laws and relatives all are asking to think about young child and give that kid motherly love. Which I don’t want to. I will never stop my son from having good relation with that kid.

But he won’t be welcome in my home, my life. I have been called b**ch, witch etc. for not forgiving my husband and not thinking about the child. My only concern is my son and I want him to grow happy etc. I have also decided not to go for dating or other match for next three, four years. So I can give my child proper care. Aitah for refusing to raise husband’s secret child?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Posterbomber −  Info, who is asking you to raise your husbands child? His family or yours. PS, YOU ARE NOT THE AH.

NanaLeonie −  NTA. You were deceived into marrying a man with a child, a man who was also a controlling AH. I don’t fault you for using the kid as an excuse/reason to escape being married to a man who hits you.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  Tell them you plan to raise your son to be a better man than his father, and that your ex should be focused on doing the same with his firstborn. NTA.

teresajs −  NTA. Your ILs want you to raise his kid because then they don’t have to do the work to raise him.  But your ILd and your husband lied to you by not telling you about this kid.  You wouldn’t have married him if you knew he had a child. Let your ILs and husband deal with the mess they created.  Go live an amazing life without him.

ProfPlumDidIt −  NTA and tell your family about the hitting. Hopefully that will get them more fully on your side.

I’d also make sure people know it isn’t the child himself you have the biggest problem with. It’s that you were deceived into marrying him and have been lied to by his entire family the whole time you’ve been with him. That you will never trust any of them again and living with someone you don’t trust isn’t healthy for any of you, especially the children.

Gileswasright −  NTA – time to start telling your parents exactly what type of husband he is and tell your in-laws you will publicly shame him for stealing jewellery from you and hitting you. Clearly their public imagine is important.

shammy_dammy −  NTA. They can raise the child.

NONE0FURBIZZ −  NTA ask your lawyer if you can sue them for marriage s**m. They hid the child from you and now they are trying to s**m you into raising him.

angelicak92 −  You married an a**sive man and this is your opportunity to leave, get out and don’t look back. For those wanting you to adopt the kid THEY can do it. Nta.

zynn333 −  NTA. If it was the other way around, I bet they would shut you out to deal with it on your own rather than ask him to raise a child that’s not his.