AITAH For Kicking My MIL Out of My Car And Calling Her “Evil” Instead Of Taking Her To See My Grieving Wife?
A Redditor found himself in a tumultuous situation after a recent tragedy. Following the stillbirth of his first child, he picked up his mother-in-law from the airport, hoping for support for his grieving wife, Stephanie. Instead, the mother-in-law made hurtful comments about the loss and blamed the mother for the tragedy, pushing the Redditor to his breaking point.
After kicking her out of the car and calling her “evil,” he’s now questioning whether he overstepped or if he was justified in protecting his wife from her mother’s toxic behavior. Read the full story below.
‘ AITAH For Kicking My MIL Out of My Car And Calling Her “Evil” Instead Of Taking Her To See My Grieving Wife?’
31M here. The last few days have been a nightmare to say the least. My wife Stephanie had a still birth about a week ago and we lost our first child (a baby boy). Stephanie isn’t well at all. The doctors have told her time and time again that it wasn’t her fault, but she feels guilty and responsible.
She cries all the time and isn’t herself at all. I’m worried sick about her, and just want her to feel better as soon as possible. My parents actually live close by and my mom has been a huge help. My mom has tried to comfort Stephanie and assure her it wasn’t her fault, which I really appreciate.
Stephanie’s mom lives on the other side of the country and their relationship has always confused me. Stephanie’s mom loves her, but she verbally lashes out and can be downright vicious. For example, my MIL told Stephanie in her early twenties that no respectable guy was ever going to marry her because of all the men she’s slept with (she’d only been with two guys before we met lmao).
She also called Stephanie “used goods” and “easy” when we first moved in together because she didn’t approve of her daughter living with a man outside of wedlock. When Stephanie got pregnant, her mom told her she should quit her job (she’s an attorney) so she can be there for our child. Stephanie planned on going back to work, and her mom said she’s going to be a horrible mother.
These are only a few of the comments she’s made over the years, but I’m sure you get the picture. Some other context is that my MIL has four kids, and Stephanie is the only one on decent terms with her. I think Stephanie feels obligated to be there for her mom and take care of her because she’s very loyal.
I’ve told Stephanie I don’t like the way her mother treats her, and she says it’s just how she is and that she accepts it. She says the comments don’t bother her because she knows her mom is crazy, but she’s always stressed before her mom comes to town and is always happy when she leaves.
My MIL offered to fly out to visit Stephanie and help support her after the stillbirth. I thought it sounded like a terrible idea, but Stephanie said she wanted to see her mother. I picked my MIL up from the airport this morning when she she landed. As soon as she got in the car, my MIL said she knew this was going to happen.
I asked what she meant, and she said she told Stephanie that she shouldn’t be on her feet all day when she’s so pregnant. I started explaining that the doctors said it wasn’t something she did wrong, and my MIL said it was the stress of her job and her being in court all day.
She said that next time I get her pregnant, I need to “be a man” and persuade her to stay home and rest. She said I was greedy and cared more about having two incomes than my children having their mother at home. She also said I wasn’t a real man and failed to protect my wife and child.
I typically am good at keeping my emotions in check, but I lost it. I pulled the car over and told my MIL to get out of the car. I also called her “evil” and said she’s no longer welcome in my home because of how she treats my wife. I explained that Stephanie has been through hell, is vulnerable right now, and doesn’t need anything other than unconditional love and support.
My MIL says she loves Stephanie, which is why she wants to make sure she learns from her mistakes and never goes through this again. I told my MIL to get out again, and she called me useless and got out of my car.
When I got home, I told Stephanie that her mother said some cruel things and I lost my temper and kicked her out of the car. Stephanie asked what she said, and I purposefully left out the comments that suggested the stillbirth was her fault. I didn’t want my wife to hear those comments, so I focused on the things she said about me not being greedy and failing to protect her.
The funny thing is that Stephanie doesn’t get angry at her mom for saying horrible things to her, but she doesn’t tolerate any negative comments towards me. She’s told her mother in the past that if she continued to insult me, she can’t have a relationship with her. Stephanie apologized for her mom’s behavior and acknowledged that her mom shouldn’t have said those things.
She says she understands why I lost my temper, but I can tell she’s stressed and disappointed her mom isn’t there to support her. She’s tried calling her mom to see where she is, but both of us have been blocked (this is a common tactic for her).
I got a call from my mom saying that my MIL is now at her and my dad’s house. She said that my MIL won’t tell her what happened, but that she’s very upset that she can’t be there for Stephanie. My mom basically said she doesn’t care what happened, and the right thing to do is for me to go over and make things right.
She says that Stephanie needs her mother and I should fix things with my MIL for her sake. She also said that Stephanie has been through enough without me and her mother fighting. My mom thinks my MIL is nuts, but she doesn’t know about all the horrible things she’s said to my wife over the years.
I’m going to go over tomorrow morning, but to be honest, I don’t want the woman in my house or around my wife. I want to protect Stephanie, and I think keeping her mom away may be the best way to do that. AITAH?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
No_Good_Turn − NTA. You were right to boot the woman out. She is nuts, and evil. And you are right to keep her away from your wife, because there is no telling what vicious insanity might come out of that old woman’s mouth around your wife.
Tell the woman if she wants to come into your house, it will be under certain rules. And if she aggravates the missus, she’s going to be walking home.
emryldmyst − You need to sit your mom down and tell her exactly what happened, why you kicked her out and why you most certainly will not ever apologize to such a hateful person.. I’d not let her near my wife. . Nta
HRCOrealtor − Oh hell no!! You are NTA! You do not need to make things right. You need to explain to your mother what the bi atch said and has been saying so she understands the cruelty and mental abuse that’s been inflicted on your poor wife.
Bless you for having your wife’s back on this. Please keep encouraging and loving her. Please help her understand she does not need to tolerate this abuse from her mother. Hugs to you both!! 🙏💔
Dry-Fortune-6724 − NTA. You absolutely need to tell your mom the ENTIRE truth and that is why MIL is not allowed in your home, and there actually is no way to “make things right” because MIL is such a horrible person.
Skatcatla − Hoo boy. That’s rough. First of all, you are NTA, so let’s get that out of the way right away. You were sticking up for your partner and trying to create boundaries, which your wife is, unfortunately incapable of making.
However, while I am completely on your side, and wish, for your wife’s sake, she was ready to set some healthy boundaries with her toxic mother, I think ultimately if you insert yourself, you will eventually become the bad guy. Maybe not now, but at some point, because both your wife and your MIL will start to see YOU as the problem.
So, as hard as it is, I would try to avoid calling out MIL directly. Please try to encourage your wife to see a therapist (in fact, find one and set up an appointment for her so it’s one less thing she has to do) and encourage her to go, if not for her toxic mother, at least to work through the grief of losing the baby.
This, btw, doesn’t mean that *you* have to accept abuse – you get to set your own boundaries for the people in your life. You can make it clear how you feel to your MIL and let her know you won’t tolerate abuse from her towards you OR your wife in your own home. And, with all my heart, I’m sorry for your loss. I went through a miscarriage and the months following was the worst of my life.
BuckyKatt206 − Is Stephanie mad at you? If not, then ignore your mother, she’s either with you or against you. There’s no in between. NTA. Your mother can MYOB
hnormizzle − First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your wife and goes out to you as you do your best to protect her while also experiencing your own grief over the loss of your child.
So, NTA, for sure. My thoughts: Communicate. Meet the needs of your wife (even if her need is her witch of a mother). Make it right. Create a boundary and a game plan for when mother visits.
“Stephanie, my biggest fear is that your mother will say something that implies anything you did or did not do during your pregnancy was the cause of losing our baby. I am going to go over tomorrow morning and I intend to make things right, but I want to warn her about placing any sort of blame on you.
You are blaming yourself enough as it is and as someone who loves you and wants only to protect you, you do not need your mother – or anyone else, for that matter – dogpiling you. I feel that a loving and understanding environment is best for both of us right now, and as your husband, I will defend your right to peace at all costs.
I am not especially keen on having her in our home, but I know that it’s important to you to see her. How would you like for me to address any sort of negative comments that are made to either one of us? Should we have a boundary, so that neither one of us is insulted or criticized in our home?”
kash_l − It’s a good idea to sort it out, but I would in no circumstances suggest you letting that woman anywhere near your wife. She sounds horrible, condescending and an absolute nightmare to deal with. Nothing in the world gives her the right to talk to either you or your wife like that.
Both you and your wife have been through something extremely devastating, and you also don’t deserve to be hearing or tolerating such an unkind attitude from this awful woman who calls herself a mother. It’s not a shocker that the rest of her kids have cut her off.
You should also let your own mother know, just how horrible of a person she is and exactly why she shouldn’t be anywhere around Stephanie right now. If you eventually decide to give in, and allow her into your home, you need to set harsh and clear boundaries about what she can say and what she can’t.
Let her know you haven’t called here for her obnoxious patronizing. She’s here to be there for Stephanie, and if she’s unable to do that properly, she can take the next flight home. Please take care of yourself and your wife Stephanie.
Ginandcats13 − The temptation to ask this woman why she feels qualified to give parenting advice when 3/4 of her kids hate her guts would be…… strong.
GKBNZ − Her mother doesn’t love her. She loves being able to abuse her, with no restrictions nor consequences. There’s very valid reason/s, her other children appear to be LC, or even NC, with their mother. You’re witnessing one of the reasons in how she treats your wife. NTA!
Do you think he was justified in his reaction to protect his wife, or should he have tried to maintain peace for the sake of family? How would you handle a toxic family member in a time of grief? Share your thoughts below!
