AITA for refusing to do any more free work for him and ghosting him after he announced that I will be excluded from being his plus one in the future?
A Redditor recently ended her relationship with her boyfriend, feeling used and unappreciated after investing time and professional resources to help his career. When he declared that she would be excluded from significant future events, she decided to stop all free work for him and distance herself, even if it means ghosting him. Now, she’s questioning whether she should offer closure, particularly for the sake of his daughter. Read her full story below.
‘ AITA for refusing to do any more free work for him and ghosting him after he announced that I will be excluded from being his plus one in the future?’
I ( F36) love my job. I get to help people and also get to meet pretty interesting people. I’m coming here because I abruptly ended my relationship ( Greg M38) and he’s asking for answers. I’m hurt and want to stay away because whatever I did for him came from the heart but it wasn’t received with sincerity. My doubt here is whether I should grant closure for his daughter ( F16).
I have a good career, good benefits, and I make good bonuses. My company sent me abroad and upon closing that project, I had a few weeks off until we took onto the next assignment.
During that time, I devoted my energy to helping Greg’s career. I saw nothing wrong about it. It made sense to help a loved one plus nothing would have made me happier than to see him succeed. He’d always made me feel appreciated. We were building a future together and I don’t consider myself s**fish. This was a serious relationship and we had talked about marriage.
I filed an RFP on his behalf, and I started his network with some of my own contacts. I don’t wanna make this too long but I will say that things started to work out. No that he got contracts yet, but I helped him meet people who could assist him. I never got paid (because he couldn’t afford a consultant) but that’s not the point.
What bothers me is that once he started making progress, his attitude towards me changed. He became critical of my DIY projects and called it a waste of time. He said I could be doing more productive things. He also disapproved of me assisting one of my friends in her pastry shop when one of her employees was sick.
I’ve done this like a dozen times and I don’t need him to tell me whether I can help my friend or not and I told him. He said that I could do whatever I want but an executive behind a counter looked weird. I called him out because I found it offensive and I want him to respect my friends. He says that I misunderstood and apologized.
So he didn’t win the RFP. It was expected, as I had explained that we were submitting as an exercise, there would be competitors with a huge track record. We attended events and did lots of things together. We were talking on the phone the other day and he said his daughter will be his plus one on every single event he will attend when his company takes off.
For background, he’s referring to executive only outreach activities held in our district. He said his daughter deserves it and that he sees it as appropriate. I asked if I would be included and he said his portrait of family should be just him and her in official situations because we are not married.
This made me feel very insecure. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t even know how to approach him at that moment but I was livid. The way he said we are not married had a tone that I didn’t like. I have no doubt that his daughter deserves to share her father’s moments of victory but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I shouldn’t be there.
I wasn’t counting on being excluded. He had always maintained that I’m family ( in the past) but he had a tiny taste of what could be achieved and now I need to get ready to be tossed aside. This has nothing to do with his daughter, it has to do with the way he sees me. Now I’m uncomfortable with everything and constantly being asked to do things.
I was very happy to help, but it is one thing to do it from the heart and another to allow him to use me. He’s said things about my contacts not replying to his calls and he claims that they don’t care for me if they don’t have the deference to reply knowing that I introduced him. He doesn’t understand that these are very busy people.
I usually did follow up messages but I’m not doing that anymore. I asked him about this later and he said I’m drowning in a glass of water. I did finish helping his daughter with her school research project ( literature) but I have stopped doing business related activities for him.
His daughter and it have a cordial relationship but we are not close, although we do get along. I spent a few days without initiating contact and I’ve felt less bad about what’s happening so I’m taking the ghosting route.
He wants an explanation and has been sending me links to other RFP. I’ve no interest in replying. I intend on sending his daughter my Xmas gift (I already bought it).
He’s been blowing up my phone and texting. Some of his messages imply that I’m irresponsible and that I know he’s counting on this to send his daughter to college. I really have lost all desire to talk to him because I feel really stupid. AITA for offering no closure?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Caspian4136 − NTA. You were putting so much time, effort and your own reputation into helping him succeed and he seemed to have zero respect for all of that. Once he started gaining a bit of traction due to all your hard work, he seemed to get a tad too arrogant. Like he was suddenly super successful when he really isn’t.
He really took you for granted and sounds like he was staring to use you for your contacts, plus knowledge he clearly doesn’t have himself. It also sounds like he had no intentions of sharing his success with you at all. Not that you need it as you’re clearly successful yourself, but you know what I mean.
iknowsomethings2 − NTA. But maybe just one message saying I’m breaking up with you, since you’re so experienced in this you can manage your own business, you clearly don’t need my help because you know it all. Best of luck.
And then block him on everything, you can send a text to the daughter saying you’ve broken up with her dad but have her Christmas present for her to pick up or arrange to drop off (I don’t trust the dad with the present). You can obviously ghost him if you want, just might be cleaner to send that one text and then block him on everything
Milopbx − So he is going to take his 16 yo child to business events? That seems unprofessional and a bit odd.
Indescribable_Noun − NTA OP. If you’re worried about his daughter and you have her contact info you can reach out to her separately and explain, but if you weren’t that close with her then she might be okay without anything formal. You would know best.
As for Greg, seems like a classic case of a man that only seemed like a good person because he didn’t have the power to be a bad one. Don’t feel bad about cutting him out of your life, he isn’t your child so you have no reason to tolerate his ingratitude.
I’ve heard this sort of thing is pretty common actually, if you try to “build up” a man or his career for him (maybe applies to women too? But I hear more stories like this about men.) You think you’re being helpful, and you are, but for whatever reason it makes the other person feel insecure about any success that comes from that help.
As a result, they sometimes end up pushing away or mistreating the person that helped them as a way of coping with that insecurity or possibly to “prove” they can be successful without you. Anyway, I’m proud of you for walking away. He wouldn’t have changed, he would only get worse.
And if he follows the patterns of other people like him then he would have eventually started cheating on you with someone else or broken up with you as soon as he felt stable enough on his own. It’s not irresponsible to walk away. He’s a grown man with an almost grown child. If he can’t handle himself by now, that isn’t on you.
You already gave him a perfectly good spring board, you don’t owe it to him (or even to his daughter) to hold his hand while he jumps on it. It’s definitely petty and unprofessional of me, but I’d be tempted to reach out to said contacts and get them to drop him (or whatever that amounts to in your field of work idk).
But it’s also fine to just write it off and be done. If he’s gonna flop he’s gonna flop. Although do be sure that people know not to associate you together anymore, since he could still potentially use your name/reputation behind your back.
(Idk what kind of person he is, so I can’t say if he’s self-serving enough to do that, but it’s a possibility.) Goodluck OP, I hope you meet someone that truly appreciates you in the future.
CatIndividual4544 − Definitely NTA. You put so much time and effort into helping him, and he seemed to take it for granted once things started going well for him. He shifted his attitude when he felt a bit of success coming, which really shows his character.
You deserve someone who values your support genuinely, not just when it’s convenient for them. It’s also totally okay if you decide to prioritize your peace and take a step back, especially after being treated like that. As for his daughter, it’s kind of you to consider her, but you’re not obligated to carry that emotional burden either
SemiOldCRPGs − Honey, he KNOWS why you’re ghosting him. He’s been using you for your business acumen and contacts. When he didn’t get immediate success (no matter that you warned him), then that lowered your value to him.
It sounds like he demoted you from “partner” status to “someone I expect to do the work for free but that I don’t want to invest time and effort into”. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize that they are YOUR contacts, not his. That his current approach isn’t going to win him friends or contacts of his own.
He probably feels e**itled to the same amount of effort on his and his companies part that you gave before. The “I know he’s counting on this to send his daughter to college” is VERY telling. He doesn’t want closure, he wants to try and gaslight you into doing free work for him.
You don’t owe him anything and if he was using you as his financial future, then he should have been more careful with the relationship. Be glad he showed his true colors before he got you further entangled. Absolutely NTAH..
RJack151 − NTA. Tell him that you two are not married and he made himself clear about this. So he can now do his own work and either succeed or fail on his own work and not with someone that has been there helping him as a partner.
EnvironmentOk5610 − NTA. He’s a user. He criticized your DIY projects and you helping out your friend in her shop because he wanted you to devote all your spare time to HIM/HIS job, only.
His daughter and it have a cordial relationship but we are not close, although we do get along. You broke up with her dad, you’re not close to the daughter and it’s not even November–return the Christmas gift you’d gotten her to the store and keep the cash.
beatnotbroken − Do not give his daughter the present you bought, it makes you look desperate. Continue to ghost him. You do not owe him anything. Don’t let him make you feel guilty about any of this. Lastly, I think he did not want you at business events because he did not want you to make connections. He is jealous of YOU. He sounds unhinged. Op, please stay away from him.. NTA.
howardcoombs − NTA but : you’re a professional so be professional. Short, curt, blunt but professional. eg : I’ve seen a side of you I didnt like and I no longer wish to see that side and no longer wish to see you either. Dont contact me again. Goodbye.
Do you think she owes her ex-boyfriend an explanation, or is her decision to end things and stop helping justified? How would you handle a situation where your efforts and kindness went unappreciated? Share your thoughts below!
