AITA for quitting my job only after my divorce, even though my ex wanted me to do it before?

A Reddit user recently shared her struggle over quitting her job post-divorce to manage the demands of single parenting. Her ex-husband, who often pressured her to quit her job while they were married, is now upset that she only did so after their divorce. With no local family or support system, she ultimately decided to quit to focus on her children, while he now has the assistance of his mother and lives with his girlfriend. Read her full story below.

‘ AITA for quitting my job only after my divorce, even though my ex wanted me to do it before?’

My ex and I were married from 2013 to 2022, and we have three beautiful children, ages 5, 4, and 2. He owns his own company and makes a decent living. He always wanted me to quit my job, even before we had kids (though I didn’t understand why at the time).

He believed he made enough money for us, so I didn’t need to work. After we had children, he became more vocal about his opinion. However, I didn’t want to quit because I loved my job, and I enjoyed the balance of both of us working and then coming home to each other as a family.

Our marriage deteriorated after our third baby, and we eventually separated and got divorced. Now, things are different. I don’t have him anymore, and I’m all alone with no family. He has a lot of help from his mother and is now living with his girlfriend.

When I have the children, it’s just me, and honestly, I found it impossible to juggle both parenting and working full-time. So, I quit my job last month because I was starting to feel burned out. I have the majority of custody until the kids are older, and it was too hard to maintain my job. I miss working, but I feel much better now.

My ex-husband didn’t say anything at first, but yesterday, when he came to pick up the kids, he exploded, accusing me of waiting until after the divorce to do what he had begged me to do while we were married. I started crying and told him the truth.

That when we were married, I had his support, but now I’m on my own, which is why I had to quit. It wasn’t to spite him, but because I couldn’t handle both on my own. I regret that the argument happened in front of the children and his girlfriend.

We’ve never fought in front of the kids or spoken badly about each other before. But now, he thinks I’m the villain, saying I broke up our family and his heart and then left. I feel like s**t. Sorry to make this edit: I wrote this a week ago but haven’t had the guts to post so this all happened a week ago.

See what others had to share with OP:

aeroeagleAC −  How can you afford to be jobless with three kids and no spouse?

Immacurious1 −  How did his girlfriend react to his saying you broke his heart??? Cant imagine that went over well….

CowOdd870 −  What do you work with. Is his gf a stay at home now?

yourewine −  Wtf, NTA! You are not the a**hole here. The way I understand it, you never planned to leave the job you loved and he didn’t plan on leaving his job either. Why has he any right to ask you to quit your job in the first place?

And raising 3 kids often just isn’t compatible with working full time, I have no idea how anyone would do it. So you did what you needed to do after the divorce and within your marriage, you stood by your boundaries. That sounds healthy. Nothing you did was wrong.

Do not let all those people in the comment section tell you otherwise. If the roles were reversed, no one would have asked you to leave your job. This is mysoginistic BS.

WebInformal9558 −  NTA. If he wanted someone to stay home with the kids, he could have done it himself. You’ve made the choices that seemed right to you at the time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Kerplonk −  Firstly Kudo’s for presenting a real question and not just farming for validation. This is actual a complicated situation without an obvious answer. I am assuming you not quitting your job was a significant enough issue to be considered the reason for the divorce.

Your husband would definitely be the a**hole in this situation if it’s for some other reason and you would have been divorced regardless. I think it’s understandable that your husband is upset if you got divorced because of you weren’t willing to quit your job and then shortly after the divorce you quit your job anyway.

Starting an argument in front of your kids wasn’t the way to deal with it, but I don’t think his feelings are invalid. From his perspective you ended a marriage over something that doesn’t seem to have been that important to you after all. I understand that your situation has changed, but the end result is basically all the pain and suffering of your divorce was for no reason.

Assuming that you were bringing in net income from your job (making more money than you were spending on childcare/expenses related to working) I think it was an a**hole move of your husband to push you into quitting your job in the first place.

If you had net negative income or had agreed to be a SAHM and changed your mind he might have a valid position but otherwise it was a s**tty move on his part to force you into a position you didn’t want to be in.

Noonull −  NTA. You staying home was never about the family. If it was, he would have offered a solution – nanny, family help, staying home more which he said was ridiculous (rules for thee…). He wanted you to be the SAHM in his story and now that you are one, he’s angry.

You made the decision for you and not for him. He had help from his girlfriend and mom with 50/50 custody and work and he still asked for less which shows that the minute you would have quit, you’d have been the sole parent anyway and probably even more o**rwhelmed. Don’t be fooled that his outburst is anything but that he just didn’t get what he wanted when he wanted it.

I’d put him on a very tight rope. One more outburst and it’s communicating through parenting apps only because whatever his problem is, it does not get to extend to the children again.

As for you, it is overwhelming to manage a house and children alone. You have the financial support now take the time to build your community support. It gets easier and you’ll get back to the job you loved. It just takes time.

frolicndetour −  NTA. Why does he get the validation and sense of accomplishment from a career but you don’t? It’s fine to not get 100 percent of your fulfillment from being a parent. He sure as hell doesn’t. I’m sad for you that the situation at hand has caused you to lose that but he is a g**damn s**fish a**hole.

lingoberri −  Just wanted to point out how absurd people’s response to this post is. First of all, for some context, when women get divorced and end up in dire financial straits because they had decided to be a SAHM and were financially reliant on their husbands, they get called all sorts of things: Lazy, stupid, naive, a gold-digger, financially irresponsible, useless person taking advantage of the husband, etc etc etc.

The advice to women is always: have your own job. Make your own money. Don’t be dependent on anyone else. Don’t take advantage. Get your own s**t together.

Yet here we have a woman who did exactly that, still being called a s**fish gold-digger who took half of her ex-husband’s business and is now taking advantage… all because she DIDN’T quit her job and become a SAHM like he wanted her to.. Make it make sense people!!!

Snakeinyourgarden −  NTA. He had no right to demand you quit your job. Even if you’re living off the company you both own. He has no right to blame you for ruining the marriage when you were forced to quit to be able to handle 3 kids alone when HE is as responsible in separation as you are. And he’s the ass for fighting in front of the kids. Which really tells everything one should know about the kind of person he is. Don’t beat yourself up.

Do you think the user’s decision was reasonable given her new circumstances, or should she have approached her ex about quitting beforehand? How would you handle balancing work and single parenting? Share your thoughts below!