AITA for telling my stepmom she’s not an incentive for me to change my last name?

A Redditor shares a deeply personal story about his complicated relationship with his stepmom. After losing his mother at a young age, he has struggled with feelings of resentment and discomfort towards his stepmom, who has tried to take on a maternal role.

Despite her efforts to bond and her desire for him to change his last name to match hers and his half-sisters’, he firmly rejects the idea, stating that he does not see her as a mother.

When she recently asked him to change his name as a gift for her, he stood his ground, leading to a heated confrontation where she called him spoiled. Now, he’s questioning whether his feelings and response are justified. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my stepmom she’s not an incentive for me to change my last name?’

My parents were never married so I (16m) have my mom’s last name. She died when I was 5. My dad was already married to my stepmom at the time. But I admit I didn’t really warm up to her because I picked up on tension between her and mom.

After mom died it was worse because my stepmom would say things like “you’re finally where you belong” and “I’m so happy you’re my little boy now”. It made me feel really icky and unhappy. My dad was never the hands on parent he liked to pretend to be so he’d just tell me to accept being loved.

Two months after mom died the oldest of my three half sisters was born. It was a lot of change for me and I was very sad back then. I felt pretty alone. My stepmom was always trying to grow closer to me. She’d even sometimes hire babysitters for an entire day to spend her time trying to make me love her. It hurt her really bad when I’d shut her out.

But I hated hearing her call me hers and she would tell me I was hers now and I needed a “mommy” because she did baby talk and titles with me until I was almost 12. I think she thought it would make me warm up faster. She’d always call me by my middle name (James) because that was her dad’s first name instead of using my first name.

There were times she’d ask me if I wanted to change my name to James and “be grandpa’s junior!” I always said no. Then when I was around 8 or 9 they tried to change both my first and last name. When they didn’t take me to court the first time the judge asked to see me.

He said kids would typically be present at court for something like that (I’m not sure if it’s true or not but that’s what I was told) and so I was brought the next time and asked how I felt about my new name. I said I didn’t want to change my name. So my name remained the same. Mom’s last name included.

It really bothers my stepmom that I don’t share their last name. She has three girls and wants “her only son” to share the same name as her. She talked to me a few days ago and tried to convince me to make the change she and dad tried making a few years ago (first and last name).

She told me to do it for her because it would make her really happy and I could present it as a Christmas or a birthday gift. I told her she wasn’t an incentive for me to change my name because I don’t want to be her boy and I don’t accept her as my mom. She started to cry and she called me spoiled and bratty in retaliation.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. It really bothers my stepmom that I don’t share their last name. She has three girls and wants “her only son” to share the same name as her. She talked to me a few days ago and tried to convince me to make the change she and dad tried making a few years ago (first and last name).

She told me to do it for her because it would make her really happy and I could present it as a Christmas or a birthday gift. I told her she wasn’t an incentive for me to change my name because I don’t want to be her boy and I don’t accept her as my mom. She started to cry and she called me spoiled and bratty in retaliation.

Your SM is going push you into going very low contact after you are of age. They asked, you said no, they need to accept this. And to then call you spoiled and bratty because you want to continue to honor your mom, not nice.

SuspiciousStress3079 −  NTA. Your stepmom seems absolutely deluded. And your father just seems to want to go along with whatever she wants so that she can be happy, with no regard to your thoughts or feelings. They are giant AH for wanting to erase every part of your mother, and especially for trying to force a connection you don’t want.

I’m very curious, how did your father and stepmother meet? From what I’m getting, it seems like infidelity might have been involved. You are not her son, you don’t want a connection with her, and them trying to change your name behind your back is scummy.

Perhaps telling her the truth will finally get her to give up on this fantasy she has of you being her child. It’s also interesting how quickly she was to turn on you when you rebuffed her affection. NTA, she needs therapy and needs to learn boundaries.

imamage_fightme −  NTA, the only one acting spoilt here is your step-mum. It is seriously fucked up that she is trying to erase your mum. She probably would have had an easier relationship with you if she had just allowed you to love your mum instead of forcing herself on you. Don’t feel bad for any of this, you deserve to be able to be yourself, not shoved into this role that she wants you to be.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…your stepmother focuses on the wrong things. If she had thought about your needs instead of hers, you’d have a much better relationship now.

archetyping101 −  NTA.  I assume a major reason why you don’t want to is it honors your mom. You and her have the same last name, so why would you want to be someone else?

You can be someone’s stepkid without changing your surname. What a s**fish request and to keep pestering it for years is so rude. Where’s the respect for your mom? Jk there is none. 

East_Parking8340 −  To all potential step parents out there – read and digest this. Trying to erase the memory of a deceased parent out of a child’s life often results in a poor relationship between you and the child. Of course, there are exceptions to this but generally only when the child was an infant or the parent was never eligible for parent of the year award.

The child’s literal identify is tied to both parents and trying to replace them and erase their memories is not good for their emotional well being and won’t end well. Continually pushing for that type of validation will only push them further and further from you and elicit anything from distrust to outright h**red.

It will also lessen the bond between the child and the remaining parent because they are seen as not defending the child. It’s a lose lose situation of your own making.

_s1m0n_s3z −  NTA. She sounds creepy. And more than a touch n**dy.

sigmu_189 −  NTA. Your stepmom doesn’t seem to understand that you already had a mother who meant a lot to you, and she can’t replace her, no matter how much she wants to. Her desire for you to take her last name feels s**fish and disregards your feelings and your connection to your mom.

It’s also disappointing that your dad isn’t supporting you in this; he should be prioritizing your feelings and well-being instead of siding with her. You deserve to have your wishes respected.

Kidhauler55 −  I’m proud of you for standing your ground! Get a part time job and save every penny to move out when you turn 18 and graduate. Go to college or a career/tech school. You’re a strong and mature 16 year old. Your mom would be very proud of you!

LouisV25 −  NTA. If given the chance, tell her “My Mom’s d**th left a hole in my heart that you cannot fill and you constantly trying to erase her by calling me “your boy” and trying to get me to change my name to your dad’s name has prevented us from having a close relationship.”

Was the user justified in refusing to change his last name to please his stepmom, or did he overreact in his response? How would you approach such a sensitive family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!