AITA for telling my parents to not include my stepdaughter in their will?
A Reddit user recently faced a family dilemma while going over her parents’ estate plans, where she noticed her stepdaughter (18) was included alongside her biological children. The stepdaughter, who is financially secure through her own extended family, would receive a similar inheritance as the user’s children and nieces and nephews.
Although the user voiced her opinion that it might be fairer to leave the estate for her parents’ biological grandkids, her husband took offense, arguing that she was excluding his daughter and being insensitive. With family dynamics and complex relationships at play, the Redditor questions whether she was in the wrong for expressing her view. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for telling my parents to not include my stepdaughter in their will?’
I (35f) have 2 kids (17 m/f twins) and 1 stepdaughter (18) who I met when she was 11. The other day, I was at my parents house going over some estate planning as I am the executor. While reviewing, I saw my folks had split their assets to be half for my 2 siblings and I and the other half for their grandkids—all to be distributed evenly.
My stepdaughter was included. When I asked them about this, they said they wanted to be fair. Their estate isn’t super large, but the sum would be substantial (think new car). I told my parents that while generous of them, I didn’t think it would be necessary and would be better to split between their 5 grandkids.
When we got home, my husband said he overheard what I said and that I was being an AH for alienating his daughter. I told him my reasoning was because she is the only child/grandchild/niece on both her parent’s sides and that she would be set.
Her grandparents own multiple properties, her uncles are fairly well off and live in a HCOL area, and well, she’s the only kid and it’s not looking like (at least in his side) that she’ll have any cousins. Plus, their collective net worth is substantially more than my side. I also asked him if his parents included my kids in their estate, but he refused to answer.
Still. He said I was being an AH and accused me of not caring about her future. I think I was doing the right thing by looking out for my kids and their cousins. AITA? Edit: I was told to include this in the post-
1- I didn’t argue with or pressure my parents to make a change. I simply mentioned that I don’t feel it was necessary for her to receive a monetary amount.
2- my mom plans on giving her a set of family heirloom jewelry that is her birthstone. I think this is quite thoughtful. I’m not a big jewelry person and she has other sets for the other girls in the family so I feel this is ok.
3- my parents have seen her about 3-5x a year since I met her.
4- my nephews and my kids do not have active relationships with their biological father sides. My niece is a new mom and works at a restaurant. I feel that financial inheritance would be more impactful for them even as such a small amount.
5- I know my SD is set to inherit at least 2 houses in a major us city with HCOL. I found this out a while back after my husband asked me to help him organize his office. I had to read through papers to know how to file them accordingly. The paper was a certified copy and was drafted soon after we married. My kids were not included. I am not sure if it has been updated. I did not ask him about it at the time because I did not have an issue with it.
6- There is distance in the relationship but I don’t feel it’s my fault. I can explain this. When I met her mom for the first time, she made it very clear that I wasn’t her mom. I didn’t see this as an issue because I did not want to overstep and as a mom myself, I could see where she was coming from and respected her request.
But as time progressed, our opportunity to spend time together became less frequent. At first my husband had every other weekend visitation. It became less frequent as she became a teenager because she wanted to spend the night with friends, hang out, etc which I see as normal teenager behavior.
The other piece is that we were never invited to be included in major celebrations for her. We usually celebrated birthdays with her a week after because we weren’t invited (my husband was-just not us). She’s also never spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with us because her mom wanted those days.
Again, which I saw as fine because that’s her only child. My husband would spend holidays with her at her mom’s house which I encouraged because I knew the importance of father/daughter connections. We also were not invited to her HS graduation.
I think she’s a beautiful and brilliant young woman and care for her tremendously. But It’s challenging to develop deep meaningful relationships with people you have little contact with.
7- for people putting me in the category of the evil stepmother, saying that I see her as other, don’t think that I haven’t been trying since the beginning. I include her in every way I can in the times that she is with us by doing things like teaching her my family recipes, taking her shopping for clothes so that she doesn’t have to bring things back-and-forth, and attending every school athletic event that I could.
I have tried to include her in family vacation planning, but was told by her mother that unless the vacation occurred on a weekend we’re scheduled to have with her then she would not allow us to have the time.
This limited our options to local weekend trips but even then, her mom comes up with some reason she can’t join—including surprise trips to another state. I even suggested a family cruise in lieu of a honeymoon to celebrate our new family but was blocked by her mom.
My husband is allowed to take her on extended vacations as long as it’s just the two of them. I have tried to be flexible in accommodations around holidays by postponing things like Christmas morning so that she can be included. This created frustration in my kids because they felt like they shouldn’t have to put their lives aside to accommodate for her.
One year when the holiday occurred on one of our planned weekends, I came up with the suggestion of celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve so we could do the full family thing. My kids weren’t thrilled, but they understood.
In the end we didn’t end up spending any time with her as her mom told us that she planned on having a dinner party on Christmas Eve and needed my stepdaughter to help her prepare.
When the time came for college applications, I was ecstatic to be asked by my stepdaughter to help her with the applications, but soon after was told that her mom hired a professional to help her get into her top choice schools and I was no longer needed.
I have tried to have a bond with her with the little time that I have. I have consistently brought up to my husband that I feel like we needed more time with her to help build our relationship at the very least by him maintaining his every other weekend schedule.
He has told me that ultimately her mom is her mom and she determines her schedule and how she spends her time. He has also expressed that he fears that if he undermines her mom, then he might lose the time and relationship that he does have with her and I do not want to be the reason for any sort of break in their relationship.
His time/relationship with her hasn’t changed, so maybe he doesn’t see the need for me/my kids to be involved. But If he doesn’t advocate for us, then what am I supposed to do?. **** Major
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
designatedthrowawayy − NTA. Everyone is in their feelings about it instead of looking at the actual facts.
– Your parents have 5 grandkids outside of her
– Your parents can always leave her sentimental items
– Your SD will get a large inheritance to herself
– Your children aren’t in your husband’s parent’s will
The last one being the biggest one. Why is it ok for them to exclude your children but not the reverse? We don’t support the hypocritic oath here.
landshark_2023 − NTA. You stated your opinion and it doesn’t sound like you pressured them. I think your parents are kind and it could be explained to your stepdaughter so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt. Your husband needs to answer your question.
Is your stepdaughter more important to him than his children with you? Does he not care about their future? If the stepdaughter’s relatives money was split with your children, it sounds like their future would be more secure. But, I think it would be unfair to expect her relatives to share with unrelated children and I would think they would not want to do so.
Both-Buffalo9490 − I want to know if your daughter is included in his parents will. He had nothing to say if they do not.
Username_checksout0 − lmfao i can imagine his face when you asked if his parents included your children in their will 😂😂
Oso_the-Bear − you should push this angle where your kid is included in his family estate; sounds like a win! Seriously that probably won’t happen, but suggesting it sounds like the right argument to shut him up about it. Good move and NTA
son-of-a-mother − There’s FAIR and there’s EQUITABLE. **It is EQUITABLE to split things equally between all the grandkids and step-grandkids. But would it be FAIR to do so? No, it would not be FAIR to do so because step-grandkid will be inheriting more money than all the other grandkids combined.**
Your husband is rich, but he wants more? There’s a reason why even billionaires still want more when they can never manage to spend what they have. Greed.. NTA
Shdfx1 − Either the grandparents of the stepdaughter split their assets equally with her and your kids, or each set of grandparents have their own grandkids as heirs. He doesn’t want fairness. He wants his daughter to be the sole heir on his side, but also inherit from her stepmother’s family.. That’s not how it works.
You’re not in a difficult situation, at all. Sit your husband down, and ask him if his daughter’s maternal and paternal family are dividing their assets with your kids as well. If the answer is no, or a refusal to answer, then tell him you know she’s getting at least two houses.
Ask him to explain why your family should include his daughter as their heir, if his family has not added your kids as heirs. Then just wait for him to explain. Don’t argue, or help him, or jump in. Just sit there, looking at him, and let him fumble around. Tell him your kids are not giving up part of their inheritance in a one way deal like that.
sun_and_stars8 − NTA his evasiveness about your kids in his parents will is your answer
Intrepid_Impression8 − Your parents seem like lovely people
_s1m0n_s3z − Tell him that even the Queen mother opted to leave the bulk of her estate to Harry, knowing that his brother would inherit the duchy of Cornwall.
Would you agree with the Redditor’s approach, or do you think the inheritance should include all children equally, regardless of blood relation? How would you handle this sensitive situation? Share your thoughts!
