AITA for telling my sister who can’t have kids that she does not get to be a part of naming mine and my wife’s babies?

A Reddit user finds himself at odds with his sister after she expressed a desire to help name his and his wife’s upcoming baby. His sister, who cannot have children due to a medical condition, had dreams of motherhood and a list of names she hoped to use.

When she suggested names for the user’s child, he and his wife politely declined and expressed their desire to choose names on their own. This led to hurt feelings, and now he questions whether he was wrong for setting boundaries around a deeply personal decision.

‘ AITA for telling my sister who can’t have kids that she does not get to be a part of naming mine and my wife’s babies?’

My sister (34F) cannot have children due to health problems since birth. Because of her condition she also has some other health problems which disqualify her from adopting due to the uncertainty around her quality and length of life. She was aware for most of her life that she couldn’t have biological children.

That was discovered when she was still very young but the rest came throughout her 20s. She had dreams of motherhood and had lists of baby names she wanted to use. But she will never be able to use them on children that are hers. What I (28M) did not know at the time was she had saved her baby names and was hoping she would get to name or help name my future children.

My wife (27F) and I are expecting our first child. We haven’t announced the s** but my sister thinks we’re having a girl and shared her girl names with us. We thanked her and said we (wife and I) would discuss what the name would be at some point. My sister looked upset by the response and she then shared her boy names thinking she got it wrong. We gave her the same response.

My mom suggested a couple of months ago that it would be generous and kind to let my sister have some input. I told her we felt it was better if we named our child ourselves.

My wife and I did look at the list, just to see if we liked any of the names. We did not. Names on the lists included Elizabeth, Hannah, Rosemary and Francesca for girls and James, Edward, Patrick and Michael for boys. Those just aren’t to our preference. None of them were and there were more names.

My sister mentioned the names again recently and she said we should pick Elizabeth for a girl and Michael for a boy. She said that’s what she’d do if she were having the baby. I told her we hadn’t made our mind up yet but were still in discussions about it. She offered to help and I said no thanks, my wife and I want to figure it out between us.

My sister said she wants to be a part of naming all our babies. That she would love to share all her endless thoughts on names that she’ll never get to put into her own kid. I told her I understood she wanted that but my wife and I as parents would name our child and she does not get to be a part of that.

I told her I understood that was hurtful to her but she does not get a say. I also asked her to please stop bringing it up. My sister told me I could let her have at least a little say in this and I said sorry but no.

She cried to mom, who thinks we should be more sensitive, while my dad told my sister I wasn’t wrong and she needs to accept that she doesn’t get to name our baby. My response has caused a divide among my parents and sister and me. It has been made clear my mom thinks I lack compassion and my sister believes I’m hurtful to her.. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

MistySky1999 −  NTA. Congratulations on your upcoming baby, and also on setting and keeping personal boundaries! Of course your sister shouldn’t be involved in your decisions about rearing your child, including its name. It’s very sad about your sister’s condition, but that doesn’t change things.

Your mom is being weird though getting involved and trying to guilt you — your dad is right. And you are right for setting a reasonable boundary together with your wife and sticking to it together. 

KaliTheBlaze −  NTA. It’s sad when someone’s childbearing preferences (in any direction) aren’t possible or aren’t allowed. Adding in not being able to adopt makes that sadness even greater. But that doesn’t mean she gets to take over parts of other people’s experience of having children.

You tried to be diplomatic, but her insistence has forced this conflict. Maybe you could have found gentler, kinder words, but I don’t think any way you could have worded it would have prevented the hurt.

fallingintopolkadots −  NTA. A touch odd that she’s SO fixated on your letting her choose the name of your children, as opposed to be expressing the desire to be an active and awesome aunt. I very much sympathize with her predicament, but that doesn’t mean she gets to name your kids. If she wants to name living things so much, she could get cats or dogs, or her chosen preference of pets.

Luce_1993 −  NTA. As awful as it is for your sister this isn’t her baby and naming the baby is down to your wife and you.

DaughterOfFishes −  NTA. No one gets to name a baby except the parents. The fact that your sister is so obsessed with naming the baby makes me a bit concerned about what she’ll be like after the baby is born. Don’t leave her and baby alone together.

[Reddit User] −  Your sister needs therapy, NTA.

RevRos −  NTA. Your sister’s situation is extremely sad, but this still doesn’t give her any say in what you and your wife name your child. It does sound as though she has built up a fantasy of this baby being shared with her. Understandable but far from healthy. I think you have done a good job shutting down the name. You might need to be prepared for more battles down the line though.

Visual-Lobster6625 −  NTA – your child (and future children) are not emotional support babies for your sister to live out her fantasies. If she wants to name something so badly, she should get a pet that she can baby. ETA – she got to suggest some names, and that’s all she is e**itled to do in regards to your children.

firstbornalien −  She needs to buy a cat or a fish so she has something to name.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  I gave a very serious first reply. And I am being serious but more lighthearted when I say – those would be FABULOUS cat names. I think your sister needs a couple of kittens. Little Rosemary and Patrick!!