AITA for agreeing with my mom that it’s kind of pathetic my wife can’t cook?
One Reddit user recently found himself in the middle of an intense argument with his wife after an awkward dinner with his mom. When the user’s mother commented that it was “pathetic” that his wife couldn’t even cut fruit, he agreed, leading to a heated confrontation.
His wife was upset that he didn’t defend her, while he felt her lack of cooking skills at her age was a fair criticism. Seeking clarity, he turned to Reddit to find out if he went too far. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for agreeing with my mom that it’s kind of pathetic my wife can’t cook?’
I (28M) have been married to my wife (31F) for about a year. Overall, things are great, but one thing that’s been bugging me is that my wife doesn’t know how to cook—at all. I’ve always been the one to handle meals, which I was fine with in the beginning because I enjoy cooking.
But over time, it’s started to wear on me, especially when I come home after a long day at work and still have to cook dinner while she relaxes. She refuses to cook and claims there is nothing wrong with not being able to cook. It’s been an ongoing issue between us.
I have been trying to teach her but she is really bad at it. Many conversation about this. The other night, my mom (56F) came over for dinner. As usual, I was in the kitchen preparing everything, and my wife was sitting with my mom.
At one point, my mom offered to help, and I asked if she could make the gravy or cut some fruit . My wife was standing around in the kitchen when my mom handed her a knife and asked her to cut some fruit while she handled the gravy.
My wife couldn’t figure out how to hold it properly and ended up making a mess. My mom watched her fail to cut the fruit and then blurted out, “It’s honestly kind of pathetic that you don’t even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age.”
She then went behind her and started to guide her how to cut stuff like you do with a kid. My wife kinda shrugged and finished cutting her fruit with my mom guiding her Dinner happens and I noticed my wife was not happy the whole night.
My mom left and she was pissed I didn’t defend her. That I embarrassed her by letting it happens We got into a bad argument and I told her that it is pathetic she can not even cut fruit. She is literally older than me and can’t hold a knife properly.
She told me that is not the point and I needed to defend her and it’s not her fault she is bad at cooking. I point out it is, and she is embarrassed because not being able to hold a knife properly is embarrassing for an adult. My wife thinks I am a huge j**k
Check out how the community responded:
Tdluxon − Nta – Does she do the dishes/help cleanup? I don’t think it really matters which partner does the cooking necessarily as long as the other is helping and the standard deal that almost everyone seems to follow is that if one person cooks, the other person cleans up.
In my house, my wife usually cooks and I usually clean, which is fine because she enjoys cooking and is good (I’m OK, I can cook but she’s definitely better). My mom and stepfather though are essentially the opposite…
she got home from work late usually and isn’t a great cook anyways, so he cooks and she does the dishes. And yes, it is kinda pathetic that she can’t even use a knife. Even if you aren’t a good cook, you should at least be able to figure out how to hold a knife, that’s just silly.
CrimsonKnight_004 − ESH – Your mom shouldn’t have called her pathetic, and I can see why your wife would be hurt that you didn’t say anything to defend her. You shouldn’t have called her pathetic either. That isn’t constructive and will only make her feel hurt and defensive.
It isn’t fair for her to expect you to do all the cooking, and needs to make a reasonable effort to learn. Especially something as basic as holding a knife. Did she not have a parent who could teach her?
It might not necessarily be her fault that she never learned when she was young, but she does need to be open to learning more now so it doesn’t all fall to you. As an adult, she’s the only one responsible now for her gaps in knowledge and has ample resources to fill them.
At this point, it’s weaponized incompetence on her part since she refuses to even try. Insulting someone is the best way to kill their want to learn. If you and your mom make this a negative experience for her, she will not want to learn.
You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her, that cooking everything has been too much on you, and you’d like to bond with her through helping her learn to cook.
Maybe you could even get one of those subscription boxes like HelloFresh once a week, an easy meal with all of the ingredients and recipe to follow, and you two can make a couple’s night out of it?
nonameplz87654 − How did she survive before she met you?
thehellcat − NTA – These comments are wild. Every adult should know basic cooking skills in order to feed themselves, such as using a knife safely to cut fruit. She had this coming to her one way or another, honestly.
wombatlikesgrass − NTA. Your wife should at least know how to cut fruit and some basic dishes. She seems lazy by not even trying or asking how to go about things if she really doesn’t know.
I understand your frustration and your mom’s as well, but maybe you should try to have an honest conversation about it (again). There’s clearly an imbalance and that shouldn’t be the case.
StopSpinningLikeThat − Pathetic is a pretty vicious thing to call someone. Not every opinion needs to be voiced aloud. I suspect you liked your mom slamming your wife’s lack of cooking skills because it felt like a win for you.
But it felt like a loss for your wife, and it felt like another loss when you just sat there and let her eat that attack. I suspect the effect of it all is that your wife will be much more resistant to helping with the cooking, so this will turn out to be a lose-lose situation.
ArrrrghB − ESH. Your mom’s comments are rude and s**tty. Your wife’s lack of interest in learning the bare minimum is s**tty. Letting your mom insult your wife to her face is s**tty. I don’t care how true it is, I would never let my parent say something like that to my partner. ETA: I don’t let my mommy fight my battles.
Rohini_rambles − In your comments you say it’s a deal breaker she can’t cook and you didn’t know it before hand. Was this some sort of forced or arranged marriage where you didn’t tknow and choose the person?
ESH cooking is a basic life skill. She really needs to be able to feed herself. And you can’t change the rules after marriage to say this is a dealbrealer when you literally never said that before. This sounds like a weird situation. Maybe you two were forced tog or married, and are srenagers and don’t like each other much.
YearOneTeach − ESH. Your mom was really rude. It seems kind of far fetched that your wife can’t hold a knife properly. Does she eat with her hands? Either you are exaggerating about her inability to cook, or she is.
Ambroisie_Cy − My wife couldn’t figure out how to hold it properly and ended up making a mess. COME ON!!! This is bs. It is textbook weaponized incompetence. Your wife clearly knows how to cut fruit. I’m guessing she is able to cut her meat in her plate on her own? If so, then she can cut a freaking banana.
Before she met you, I’m sure she didn’t let herself starve. She was cooking her meals. Maybe simplistic ones, but still, she was feeding herself. My mom watched her fail to cut the fruit and then blurted out, “It’s honestly kind of pathetic that you don’t even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age.”
Your wife being pissed at you for not defending her would make you an A H in a lot of situations. But here? Hell no! It was well deserved. It is pathetic to not «know» how to cut fruit at 31 years old.
Unless she was raised in the middle of the wood by wolves, then there are no excuses for not being able to do things a 10 years old know how to do. N-T-A, but if this is true, your wife is useless..
Edit: On a clear turns of event, I’m changing my vote for a good old ESH! OP, I read your answers and you clearly married someone you know nothing about. You decided to go blind in that marriage and are now realising your wife doesn’t know how to take care of herself.
Every question that has been asked to you about your wife is met with a *I don’t know*, or a *Well, we’ll se if she can do that*. What was the plan for this marriage? Going in blind and then decide, after the fact, if you were really suited for each other? How did you end up in this marriage exactly?
Do you think the husband should have defended his wife, or was it fair for him to agree with his mother’s comment? Should a lack of cooking skills be grounds for embarrassment, or is it understandable? Share your thoughts below!
