AITA for wasting everyone’s time in therapy because I was accused of lying?
A Reddit user shares their struggle in family therapy with their mother and stepfather, who accused them of lying and not allowing them to build a “family” dynamic. After the user’s attempts to explain their side were met with interruptions and accusations, they decided to disengage from therapy until they received an apology. Read the full story below to find out what happened.
‘ AITA for wasting everyone’s time in therapy because I was accused of lying?’
My mom, her husband and I (16f) are in group therapy with each other. We started therapy a few weeks after Father’s Day, because that was the final straw for them to insist we all needed therapy to work on why I won’t let us be the family they want.
We started at the end of July and by the end of August my mom accused me of lying, called me a l**r and laid out this really big sob story about how much it hurt to have me lie to her and do everything in my power to destroy her marriage.
It pissed me off so bad. I didn’t lie at any point of this. I said as much in the follow up session and the therapist asked me to outline my side and how I felt having mom call me a l**r. My mom kept trying to interrupt me, she told the therapist the shut up and she accused me of being a vicious l**r then.
To give some explanation about the situation. My mom and her husband got married 3 years ago. They moved in together 2 months before. Before moving in they sat me down and asked me if I was okay with us moving in together and making a family of three again.
Mom brought up how we’d have a man around the house again (my dad died) and how good it would be for her to have a husband and for me to have a dad and he said he couldn’t wait to be my dad and he always wanted to be a dad. He said he already had plans for us for Father’s Day.
This was February of three years ago. I told them I wasn’t okay with that stuff. That I didn’t want another dad, wouldn’t let him be my dad, and was not about to spend Father’s Day celebrating someone who isn’t dad. They started laughing and proceeded as normal but Father’s Day became a struggle because I have not spent the day with him the last three years and he has tried, so has my mom.
I meant what I said. I never called him dad or let him fill the role in my life. This year he snapped and he had a temper tantrum and said I was supposed to be with him on Father’s Day and not spending the day alone and he didn’t sign up to be nothing to me.
My mom called me a l**r because she said I promised to develop a close relationship with her husband and that I said yes to wanting what they asked. She said I had said I would give him Father’s Day and I lied and I have not followed through on any of it.
She said I made them think I would be a willing participant and I wanted us to be a family. It pisses me off because I never said what she claims and I even repeated what I had said back then.
The therapist couldn’t get mom to apologize and she has no control over the sessions where my mom and her husband dominate. So I’m totally silent and I zone out. They only realized this two weeks ago.
They called me on it and I spoke up again after more than a month of no talking in therapy, to confirm I wasn’t listening and it came up last week and I said I was done engaging because I was owed an apology for being called a l**r. My mom and her husband are pissed that I’m wasting everyone’s time letting therapy happen.. AITA?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
chrestomancy − NTA. I’m surprised the therapist is still taking the sessions. They must need the money pretty badly. Your parents, like so many before them, aren’t after therapy – where you have to work on your own s**t.
They want a wizard who can change reality for them, and maybe change you for someone who wants to call your mom’s husband “dad”.. Good luck with it all.
Sweetcilantro − nta. It took multiple sessions to notice you weren’t paying attention anymore after the incident. I think that shows where their attention lies.
Scenarioing − “*Mom brought up how we’d have a man around the house again (my dad died) and how good it would be for her to have a husband and for me to have a dad and he said he couldn’t wait to be my dad and he always wanted to be a dad. He said he already had plans for us for Father’s Day.*”
\—Dad replacement talk never works. The extent to which a parental step becomes actually parent like to a child, if ever, arises only naturally from interaction over time. Not from annoucements. Which you know obviously. Did the therapist educate them on what they should have obviously known?
“*he had a temper tantrum and said I was supposed to be with him on Father’s Day and not spending the day alone and he didn’t sign up to be nothing to me*.”
\—He IS nothing now. Which arose naturally from his interactions with you. Obviously Mom and nothing saw therapy as a method to convince you to do their bidding. NTA What is the therapist saying about all of this?
DocHollywood2 − NTA. Accused of lying for sticking to the truth? Sounds like someone’s rewriting history in group therapy… but they forgot you’ve got the receipts.
KingGuinevere − NTA. Your mother and her husband are horrifically s**fish people. Do you have other family you can reach out to? Paternal grandparents, aunts and uncles?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Parents who try to force your feelings to fit the mold they want are a serious level of emotional abuse.
Just start counting days til your 18th birthday. Make plans to leave and never, ever look back. Your mother and her husband do not deserve to be in the same room as you again.
Ok_Conversation9750 − NTA. That doesn’t sound like therapy – it sounds like torture! Like they will keep repeating the lies until you agree with them. If they think they’re wasting time and money, they’re right, but it’s their own fault.
Thin-Summer-5665 − Focus on your school work and your escape. Work as hard as you can and maybe you can get a scholarship to a college in another state. This is the advice I wish I had gotten when I was young and struggling with my home situation.
You have control over the next part of your life. Maybe throw him a bone for the sake of peace? It doesn’t have to be from the heart but it might get them to stop harassing you.
Koralmarai − You’re not the one wasting time, they are. They don’t want therapy, they dont want to understand where youre coming from, they want to force you to comply to their wishes so they can live out their dream of a happy family. NTA.
No-Function223 − Nta. “Just because you refused to hear what I said doesn’t mean I didn’t say it.”
“And I don’t want step dad in my life. I guess none of us get what we want.”
Inner-Nothing7779 − NTA. I’m a stepdad. I love my stepdaughters as if they were my own children. They’re great girls and are growing into amazing young women. I know they love me. They respect me. They respect my opinions and things, and I respect theirs. They see me as “a” dad. But I’m not Dad.
The relationship I have with them grew naturally. I didn’t push. My expectations were always the same. Be respectful, do as your mom and I ask, and treat others the same. I didn’t come into it expecting them to be my daughters and to be invited to all the dad/daughter things, etc. I never pushed it.
That’s why we have such a good relationship. I never pushed for something I wasn’t going to be given without work. So often do we see stories like this. Where mom/dad wants to be a family again and introduces step-mom/dad and both expect the kids to see the new parent as an equal to the lost parent. Then, when that inevitably never happens, surprise Pikachu face.
OP, you’re doing fine. Your mom is trying to recreate something that was lost. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your husband/wife, just as I cannot imagine losing a parent at your age. However, that doesn’t mean she’s right.
She’s pushed for something that wasn’t ever going to happen. And now, since it’s not, she’s lashing out at you. It’s easier in her mind, to paint you the badguy than it is to accept that what she’s trying to recreate isn’t going to happen and it’s her fault for pushing. I hope she comes around and apologizes. You two have lost so much, it would be terrible for you both to lose each other.