AITA for not inviting my friend to my engagement dinner since she never shows up after she became a parent ?
A woman chose not to invite her friend Millie to her engagement dinner because Millie, a mother of a two-year-old, rarely attends events and often tries to change plans to accommodate her baby. After the dinner, Millie was upset when she saw photos online, arguing that she would have made time for this event.
The two had an argument about fairness and priorities, with the original poster (OP) saying that Millie’s continued absence shows a lack of care. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for not inviting my friend to my engagement dinner since she never shows up after she became a parent ?’
So I have a friend group from college, this is about Millie. Millie married and has a kid about a two years ago. The problem is that she always turns down invitation. At the beginning I was understanding. She is a new parent who just doesn’t have time to met up.
Overtime it got tiring though, I don’t understand why it is so difficult to leave to get brunch one day. She has a partner it shouldn’t be difficult to be gone for a few hours. She has missed event after event. The times she does appear she will make a big deal about changing the outing so her baby can join.
The last time I saw her was around Christmas. So I got engaged and I was having a dinner to celebrate. I decided not to invite her, she has turned down so many invitation. I also didn’t want to deal with her trying to change the event or bringing the baby.
The dinner happens two nights ago and I got a call yesterday from Millie. She was upset that she wasn’t invited and saw the event picture online. I explain that she never comes to events and I saw her last Christmas. She told me that I was being unfair and that she would have made time for the party.
We went in circles for a bit and it turned into an argument. She basically told me that I was being extremely unfair and I won’t understand because I am not a parent. I told her if she actually cared she would have showed up to events. A few hours every month shouldn’t be that difficult
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Janine_18 − NTA What should you do if she constantly refused the invitation? I think it wouldn’t be so hard for her to go out if she asked her partner to take care of their child.
ampero83 − NTA. Your event, your choice. Invite who you want. I totally get it. I can’t stand the “I’m a mom” or “I have kids” mentality. Because it ends up being a show about them and how they can’t do anything. Great. You have kids. Now learn to have a life with them, you didn’t make a child by yourself (I understand it’s possible but in most scenarios..).
toffifeeandcoffee − NTA Sadly, I have seen this exact level of behavior from many different coworkers. As soon as the baby is born they stopped being their own person and just became mothers.
They stopped doing things for themselves, wouldn’t let their partner be a parent for an evening to do some selfcare and then started to complain because they got less and less invited.
You can win this one, OP. Your friends need to realize that she is a human being, an individual behind the mother and then she will find the time to join events and leave her partner to be a parent. Hopefully, she gains this knowledge before she is dropped by everyone.
earthchildreddit − NTA, I have a friend like this that got upset because he didn’t get invited to a wedding but I did (from the same initial friend group). He hardly showed up to the little things, but said “of course I’d show up if it was a wedding, that’s important!” The little things are important for actually keeping relationships.
anglochilanga − I won’t understand because I am not a parent. I can’t explain why, but this really grinds my gears. Like, does she think she wins the argument with this line? NTA. You are not a priority to her, and now she is b**t hurt that you’re treating her the same way.
Sophie3546 − NTA she has set a precedent in the last 2 years that unless the event is baby friendly, she’s not coming. I don’t blame you OP, and hope you have a wonderful engagement/wedding/marriage
Slayed_Wilson − NAH. It does get tiring having a friend decline invitations repeatedly. However, as someone who stopped getting invited to things because I’ve had to decline so many times (mine due to health), it sucks to know you are no longer being invited to things.
It is still nice to be invited and at least given the *chance* to say yes. If someone *is* your friend that you care about, you invite them to important thing, no matter what. If they aren’t invited to important things, they have stopped being important people to you.
She is right, though, you don’t understand what it’s like to have a baby. And that is okay. But you don’t have the right to throw that in her face. Yes, she has a spouse. Could she get a babysitter? Probably. But you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. And you probably haven’t asked.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried or stopped by or offered to go see her. She doesn’t seem like a big part of your life. Her spouse may not be helpful. She may not have money for a sitter. She might feel like she’s doing this all alone. And now she’s being made to feel like she’s a burden for having a kid.
I’ve been made to feel this exact way for this exact reason. And I lost every friend I had when I had a baby, because I was no longer “fun”. Because I didn’t go out and party all the time and drink 4 nights a week and couldn’t be spontaneous enough to just hop in the car for a weekend girls trip.
One day, they all just stopped calling. And it gets hard to know that people don’t invite you anywhere because you have to decline most of the time.
QueenofBnB − You left out a lot of details. Is she a stay at home mother or a working mother? Does her spouse stay at of or do they work? How much notice do you give her when you invite her out?
edit: according to OP, both parents work, baby is in daycare mon-fri and OP gives them two weeks notice for invites. OP seems to be ignoring the fact that maybe her friend wants to spend most of her free time with her family instead of with her friends for frivolous things like “brunch” which is why she says no.
However, she still makes time for important things like Christmas so she would have made time for an engagement dinner. YTA
prior2two − There are so few adults on this subreddit it’s nuts.
[Reddit User] − NTA But I think trying to change the venue to bring her child is an A H move. How old is the kid?
Was OP justified in not inviting Millie, or should she have given her a chance? What’s your take? Share your thoughts below!
