AITA for telling my kids, “Mom said no.”?

A Redditor shared a story about parenting dynamics in their household. With two young kids, the parent emphasizes the importance of presenting a united front with their spouse, especially when it comes to enforcing boundaries.

One morning, when their four-year-old asked for permission to play a messy game after their mom had already said no, the parent reiterated the mother’s decision, which upset her. Now, they’re questioning if they were in the wrong for backing up their spouse. Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for telling my kids, “Mom said no.”?’

I have two kids, who are 2 and 4 years old. And one thing I try to reinforce with them is that if mom or dad says “no” if they go to the other parent, the answer they will get is no. Which means if they ask my wife, and she says no, regardless of how I feel on the matter, I’m going to back her up. And I expect my wife to do the same.

Well this morning we were getting ready to leave and 4 year old asked my wife if she could get out a game that always makes a mess. So my wife said no, immediately 4 turned to me and asked the same question. So I said, “No, your mom told you no.” Which upset my wife, and I don’t quite understand why. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Kris82868 −  I think “Your mom already answered you.” is much better.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Whilst I understand what you are trying to do. You should be saying “The answer is no.”. Not “Your mum said no.”. The former shows a united front and shows that you are both on the same page. The latter tells the kids their mum is the “bad guy” and it is ONLY her fault you said no. It’s about the way you are phrasing it to be her fault whether that is intentional or not.

TemptingPenguin369 −  Soft YTA because I get what you were trying to do, which was teach your child that if they get a “no” from one parent, they shouldn’t ask the other parent. But the way you phrased it has an undertone of “mom is a killjoy and I might have said yes.”

animaniactoo −  NAH – the problem is not with what you are doing, but how you are phrasing it. Your phrasing can be taken to mean “I might have said yes, but your mother said no” – thereby making her the bad guy.

Your kids are too young to understand the kind of “united front” setup that you want to emphasize, therefore you need to stick just with something that is more like “No.” or “No, you were already told no.”

Alternative-Gur-6208 −  Soft yta. It’s because you made your wife out to be the bad guy by saying mom said no.    . You could have just said no. Eta: that probably made her think you’d have said yes to it. If she didn’t already shoot it down. 

Skull_Bearer_ −  YTA, because you made her the bad guy. You should have said ‘your mother and me say no,’ because you’re making it sound like you’d let her play that game if it was down to you. Basically being a Disney Dad.

Own-Kangaroo6931 −  NAH but maybe better communication needed. If you know that her mom said no, then you don’t “back her up” by telling the kid that mom said no, you say that you just heard mom say no and that your answer is the same. Don’t make it out like the mom made the decision, confirm that you have the same decision.

InappropriateAccess −  NAH. You phrased your support the wrong way, that’s all. What you said gives the impression that ONLY Mom said no, when you might have said yes. Change that to something like “Your mom and I agree that you can’t play this game right now” or really just “No”. But if you’re going to reference your wife in your refusal, you should also clearly state that you agree with her decision.

Acrobatic-Ad-3335 −  YTA because you should be asking your wife why she’s upset, not reddit.

ChaoticCapricorn −  It’s soft YTA. Execution versus intentions. Make sure as your kids develop, you and the wife agree about how you stay on the same page regarding issues. Kids are sneaky and you just taught your kids that if Mom says no, dad will say the same thing.

Next time they are going to ask you first when they think mom is going to say no. Mom still is the bad guy and you think you haven’t undermined her, but you have. Instead talk to her on why she is saying no, so you understand her rationale, thus being able to back her up regardless of who they go to first.

Do you think the dad was right to reinforce his wife’s decision, or should he have given a different response to the child’s request? How do you handle disagreements with your partner when it comes to parenting? Share your thoughts below!