AITAH for not having let my wife speak her mind to a doctor?

A man (37M) handled a call with a neuro-oncologist regarding a missed blood test for his 15-month-old son. His wife (35F) wanted to take over the call to express her frustration over the doctor’s mistake, but the man refused, believing he could resolve it calmly.

His wife now feels betrayed, thinking he undermined her as a co-parent. He’s asking if he was wrong for not letting her speak. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for not having let my wife speak her mind to a doctor?’

Me (37M) and my wife (35F) have a 15 month old son. We have had to be running some tests at the hospital to check for a condition, everything is being coordinated by the neurooncologist.

She referred us to an orthopedist, who then asked for a blood test, additional to other blood tests that were being done to him as requested by the neurooncologist.

When we mention to the neurooncologist the order for the blood test from the orthopedist, she took the original and said that, since they had to take my son’s vein in order to sedate him for an MRI, they could use that to already take the blood for the test that the orthopedist asked for.

Up to here, all is well, except for the fact that taking the vein for my son was particularly difficult, he was resisting and it was especially hard to handle for him (and for us as parents as well).

Fast forward about a week and I call the neurooncologist on the phone to see if the results from the test had come in, in order to make the appointment with the orthopedist already. To this she answers that now she remembers that she took the order, but lost it, so the test wasn’t made.

Then she tries to tell me that I also didn’t remind her of the fact this test had to be done (to which I replied that it is not my job to keep track of the tests that are being done to him, assuming everything is coordinated by her and trusting she keeps everything on file).

My wife then is overhearing this conversation, which makes her extremely angry, and keeps asking me to let her take the phone, so she can speak to the neurooncologist.

I refused to let her take over the call because I was a) already taking care of it in the way I considered it should be handled and b) It seemed to me my wife wanted to go nuclear in telling the neurooncologist how big of a fuckup this was, how incompetent she is, etc, etc.

I honestly believe that her talking to the neurooncologist would have done nothing to improve the situation, other than maybe bringing her some outlet to vent her anger.

It’s been about a week since this happened and we just had a fight about it, because we not only disagree on how things were handled on our end, but my wife feels I betrayed her as a partner and co-parent.

So AITA for not letting her talk to the neurooncologist? If I am, and I am missing something, I will not hesitate to apologize. But I honestly can’t see that what I did was wrong. I appreciate everyone’s perspective!

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Kasparian −  Soft YTA. It is not just your child. With something major like this, both of you should be on the phone when you are both available for the call, and your wife absolutely has the right to express her thoughts/opinions/concerns on the situation. This was a major fuckup.

The doctor even tried to pass the blame onto you. That is unacceptable. Unless your wife is the type of person who climbs over a fast food counter to attack a worker over a minor inconvenience, refusing to let her be a part of the call is not cool.

Squiggles567 −  NAH. You are going through something very emotional and are both trying your best. Your wife is in mama bear mode and thinks you disempowered her (which you did). You may think you did what you had to do to keep relationships with the medics cordial.

Both POVs are valid. After watching “Take Care of Maya”, I can see why people are worried about alienating medical staff when it comes to their kids’ care. But I also see that parents also need to drive and question.   Good luck. Hope your son’s health issues resolve soon. 

bgreen134 −  As a healthcare professional: YTA. This is a huge mistake on the part of the MD and they deserve whatever repercussions they get including you wife going nuclear. And your wife deserved the right to express her justified anger. You loyalty should be to your wife and kid.

The MD cannot legally stop seeing you kid for treatment (I would hesitate to take them back if there is another option) and you shouldn’t get to unilateral decide how to handle the situation. You dismissed your wife, it’s understandable how her anger at the MD (which she didn’t get to expressed) is now directed to you.

Rredhead926 −  Yes, YTA. Your wife had every right to speak with the doctor. You preventing her from doing so likely made her feel that she had no control over her own son’s health care.

slayyub88 −  NTA Because people who blow up and do nothing but yell are the worse. Nothing gets accomplished and all they do is scream. She can call back on her own time if she wanted to yell.

hummingbee- −  I’m surprised by the responses here tbh. I feel like if the roles were reversed and a husband was trying to rip the phone away from his wife to yell at a doctor, more comments would say he’s the AH.

You are fully capable of navigating a conversation with your son’s doctor, just as your wife is. She is still free to contact the office to lodge a complaint or express her dissatisfaction. Trying to pull the phone from your ear was not appropriate. NTA.

Less_Ordinary_8516 −  NTA. Why didn’t your wife trust you enough to let you handle this call? If you had heard that doctor blame you when your wife was on the phone being calm, and you wanted to go nuclear on her everyone would have said it’s a good thing she didn’t give up the phone, it would have made it worse.

Same thing. You were handling the problem, and your wife has been stressed and basically was just ready to vent at anything. Giving her the phone wouldn’t have changed the fact that all of this happened, it would only alienate the doctor. I’m sorry all of this stress is happening, and I hope your son gets better soon. Good luck

RickRussellTX −  Fast forward about a week and I call the neurooncologist on the phone . It was your phone call, initiated by you. Your wife presumably knows how to use a phone and may contact the doctor at her discretion. But it sounds like she’d rather complain to you than the doctor.. NTA

icorooster −  NTA. Yelling wouldnt have help fix anything. It could have actually made it worse.

nooraminah1 −  NAH – this is such a challenging time for both of you.

What do you think—was he right to keep calm, or should his wife have been allowed to vent? Share your thoughts below!