AITA For expecting my husband to pick up slack at home when I have to work more?

A Redditor is navigating a significant career shift after years of being a stay-at-home mom. Since reentering the workforce, they’ve experienced exciting promotions and challenges. However, their husband is struggling to adapt to the changes at home, feeling overwhelmed and resentful about the household responsibilities.

With their new job requiring longer hours, the Redditor expects their husband to pick up more of the slack, leading to a heated argument about their roles and responsibilities. Read below to see if you think they’re being reasonable or if the husband has a point.

‘ AITA For expecting my husband to pick up slack at home when I have to work more?’

My husband (38M) and I (36F) have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids (12, 8, & 6). I was a SAHM from the time our first was born until last fall when our youngest started kindergarten. My mom was a SAHM for me and my siblings and I wanted to give my kids that same level of care and love.

I have since reentered the workforce and am trying to make up for lost time in terms of my desired career path. I have a good job at a reputable company. I was hired for an entry-level position last fall but have already been promoted twice.

I’ll admit some of that is due to high turnover in some positions, but I have also been busting my b**t and it’s been paying off. However, there have been some drawbacks. I have been working a lot which obviously means I’m not home as much.

My husband works full-time too for a business his family owns and operates, so his schedule is much more flexible than mine. As a result, he has been taking on a lot more of the childcare and household duties. Since my most recent promotion, I have been working roughly 50-55 hours every week.

That’s been going on for about 6 weeks now. This is mostly because I am trying to learn this new position on the fly and because I find the work exciting and rewarding. I really do enjoy it. It’s like I’ve rediscovered a part of me that I had forgotten after being a SAHM all those years.

My husband has been griping about me working so much. He’s not a good cook and the kids complain that he doesn’t make dinner the same way I used to. He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores.

Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff. Of course, there is some crossover but that was how we usually divided things. But now, since I’m not home as often, a lot of things I usually did aren’t being done in as timely a manner or being done differently by my husband.

He thinks I’m working too much, I’m neglecting the kids, I’m neglecting him, I’m neglecting chores, etc. I reminded him that this is a big change that we are all going to have to adjust too. He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me.

He then asked if I was being asked to work so much or if I was doing that on my own. When I told him I was doing that on my own he flipped out. He told me I am being taken advantage of at work and that I’m being naive to think otherwise. When I reminded him that I had already been promoted twice he told me that’s great, but what is the cost of that in other areas of our life.

I told him he’s being a j**k for diminishing my accomplishments and he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don’t know when I’m being taken advantage of. I told him that not everyone gets to work a cushy family job and that he’s going to need to pick up slack at home until everyone adjusts to our new normal.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ReviewOk929 −  NTA. He thinks I’m working too much, I’m neglecting the kids, I’m neglecting him, I’m neglecting chores You have both got in to a pattern and after years of doing it I’m sure that the new dynamic is very jarring for him. He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me

This is the thing that bothers me most. Who doesn’t want to see their partner do well? You do well and you should both prosper. he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don’t know when I’m being taken advantage of Yes because when you’re a SAHM you lose all of your brain cells???????

Sincerely think he has some sour grapes that his whole world has been turned upside down in this new landscape and he just doesn’t know how to cope. I have some small sympathy for him but his approach sucks.

jrm1102 −  NAH – I think you two just need to sit down and be on the same page.

– he absolutely can struggle with this new role and of course the kids may not make this transition easy as theyre used to you.
– you absolutely can give your career some priority and focus on its advancement
– He absolutely can feel that you are working too much and neglecting other things. Id suggest couples therapy

Affectionate-Dot9322 −  Not going to make a judgement, but working 55 hours per week for that long and being promoted because of vacancies are normally not good signs.

corgihuntress −  He has a point that giving so much time to work is hard on the family. I’ll let him have that. However, he got used to a lifestyle that made you in charge of all things home and now doesn’t like that he has to pick up more chores because you’re working (and the fact is you were working far more than 50-55 hours a week as a SAHM, but he didn’t notice and didn’t care).

He liked not having to do that. And you like not having to do it all too, and you like having a fulfilling career. So it’s time for all the family to figure out that mom is not their maid, their servant, or their project manager, and that they all now have to take on chores and get used to managing more for themselves.

And then you, as a family, should problem solve and make plans for how things get done and when. Maybe you can give more time to areas where people want you more. Maybe they can step up to take care of themselves better.

Since you’re making money now, maybe the family can afford to hire out some of the work–cleaning, for instance. But you need to continue to stand up for yourself because you’re e**itled to earning your way and having a fulfilling job. NTA

Merihem1990 −  YTA. From the few replies you made, I see this: I was getting overtime before my most recent promotion but now I am salary. But my salary now is still more than I was getting paid with overtime previously.

So…. Your husbands right, isn’t he? For 6 weeks you’ve given your company around 10-15 hours a week that they’re not paying you for. Any workplace that’s requiring you to work 90 hour unpaid in 6 weeks is taking advantage ofnyou.

That’s a fact. Just think, 2 other people like you and your company owners are paying 3 people to do the work and hours of 4. And if you’re working 55 hours a week, I personally question if he’s right about you neglecting the family and being the only person benefitting from this. From what I can tell, you’re not doing anything because nowhere do you dispute his claims and instead just say he needs to adjust.

So you’re expecting him to do what you did as a stay at home mother, while also expecting him to do a full time job? Something you haven’t even done yourself? And let’s be honest here, your title is disingenuous. You don’t HAVE to work more. You’re choosing to.

ThePhilV −  I would say ESH. Yeah he’s being an ah to you about your new job, but it sounds like you’re diminishing his work (which supported your entire family for over a decade) as well. Calling it a “cushy family job” implies that you think he doesn’t deserve it, and that he doesn’t work as hard as you. Since you’re back at work, and probably at least doubled the family’s income, why don’t you hire a housekeeper? Seems like a simple solution, no?

Syrup-And-Coffee −  YTA. There is nothing wrong with going back to work and finding fullfillment. It also doesn’t sound like your husband has any problem with you working. The issue is you are now working 55+ hours and he is also working full time and he is trying to tell you it is too much and he needs help.

You won’t listen though and are only looking at yourself. He and your kids are suffering. It’s one thing to get a job but to jump into 55+ hours or more, with 3 kids and 2 working parents, there will be costs to that. He is trying. It doesn’t sound like you are.

He is asking for help – it sounds like you are only caring about yourself. He did not ask you to quit – my guess is he just wants you to go to “normal” hours. The bare minimum you could do is have enough respect for your spouse to actually hear him out instead of instantly shutting him down.. YTA

violaflwrs −  NTA. I get his perspective but did he need to invalidate and diminish your work just because he’s now not the focus of your life? He might have a little bit of a point around the chores bit but his approach sucks. Since it’s now a 2 income household, might hiring a cleaner or a nanny be feasible?

drinkingtea1723 −  ESH you guys need to communicate and make a plan for the household and your family. You do need to say no at work sometimes and make a boundary or he does so someone can be doing what needs to be done at home or you need to hire someone to help clean or outsource other house chores if you are in a financial position to do so. You both need to communicate and make compromises.

NoSalamander7749 −  INFO: Are you getting paid for all 50-55 hours – i.e. 10-15 hours of overtime per week? Or are you on salary?

Is it fair for the Redditor to expect her husband to adjust his share of household responsibilities while she adapts to her new job? Or does he have a valid point about the impact on family life? How would you handle a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!