WIBTA For asking why I am not a groomsman?

A Redditor shares their dilemma of feeling hurt after discovering that several close friends were asked to be groomsmen at a longtime friend’s upcoming wedding, but they were not. Despite understanding that they aren’t entitled to the role, the exclusion stings after nearly a decade of close friendship. Now, they’re weighing whether to bring it up with their friend or let it go to avoid stirring up tension. Read on to see if you think they’d be in the wrong for asking.

‘ WIBTA For asking why I am not a groomsman?’

I (M23) have a good friend who is getting married within the next few months, around August/September. While I have yet to receive an invite, I know I am invited as he was talking to me just a few days ago about if my brother was comfortable with someone being there and also in the wedding.

Anyways, I found out from a few of my close friends that they have been asked to be his groomsman, but I have not. For context, we have all known each other since middle school (9+ years), and would hangout almost every day.

He does not say much about his wedding in our group chat, but from time to time he will mention something about it. We have a bachelor party planned for him next month, but that does not feel like the right time to even mention it to him, as it is a night for him.

I am currently on the fence about asking because I don’t want to cause waves in our 9+ years of friendship. I know I am not e**itled, nor do I feel e**itled to be his groomsman just because of our friendship, but it still hurts that it wasn’t mentioned to me at all. WIBTA for asking why I was not asked to be one of his groomsman?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Petefriend86 −  YWBTA. Just be happy for your friend. Often times groomsmen are chosen for different reasons, like who the bride thinks would look height matched walking down the aisle with the bridesmaids.

[Reddit User] −  Ywbta. By asking you may get an answer you may dislike. It’s honestly not worth opening that box as it may sour a friendship

No_Pepper_3676 −  YWBTA. If he wanted you to be a groomsman, he would have asked. Accept that you are a guest and enjoy the wedding. You can be hurt, but you confronting your friend won’t yield any benefit, would it?

Jealous_Secretary_10 −  I can see your situation from both perspectives, as I was not asked to be a groomsman for a friend I am close with, this has juxtaposed with the wedding party selection for my own wedding, in which I didn’t ask him to be a groomsmen.

I wasn’t seeking revenge or anything, and honestly I didn’t blame him for not asking me because he has a lot of other friends who he’s known for longer and been closer with. Seeing your friends be asked to be groomsmen makes you feel left out, but not being asked doesn’t mean he doesn’t consider you a friend.

Why? Simply because weddings are so cutthroat. So many moving parts, so many hard determinations. Balancing venue capacity with invitations, planning out budgets, and organizing rehearsal/dinner, bachelor(ette) parties, bridal showers, vendor meetings, planning meetings… and on and on.

As a groom, I frankly don’t want to be friends with someone who gets offended because I didn’t choose them as a groomsman or invite them to the wedding. I selected my groomsmen based on three simple factors:

– is our friendship current (and not a past friendship from high school or something)?
– will the person be a big part of my life after I’m married?
– have I been close to the person for most of my life? (Optional/least important).

If I were you, instead of being upset about this, I’d offer my help to him during the wedding. Just tell him, if he and his bride need anyone to make any emergency runs to the store or do any heavy lifting, you would like to be the first one who is asked to do stuff. It helps the bride and groom so much, and it’s a sign of a good friend.

No_Addition_5543 −  Perhaps be mindful that your exclusion is not because of your friend but due to his bride. It’s highly possible she didn’t want to include you because you may not pair well with one or any of her bridesmaids.  

UndeniablyGone −  NAH I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking why. Then again, I think weddings in general are so, so stupid. So, I am a bit biased here.

BananaBread165 −  NTA for feeling hurt, but YWBTA if you rock the boat and ask your friend why. Maybe leave it for a few years and if you still care then ask, but you will probably not get an answer that you like. Why not think about your friend and how to help his day go smoothly.

It may be that the bride picked the groomsmen, not your friend. No one organising a wedding needs the extra stress of dealing with other people’s feelings about the guest list.

Kami_Sang −  Were you the only one left out from the friend group? If not, leave it alone – he prob was going with a certain number and he had to choose those closest to him. If you are the only one left out then it shows you that everyone else in the friend group is a priority to him and you may want to consider this in moving forward with both him and group.

I would only ask if I’m the only person left out (or I might just let that guide me for moving forwqrd in the friendship) or if I feel that I was closer to him than others he chose so I have clarity.

Any_Experience_2212 −  you feel excluded and hurt , and its totally fine especially if you were really excited about the weeding , but sadlly YWBTA if you asked even if you are just looking for an explanation you will be the bad one in their eyes , it will just ruin your friendship ,

cause drama and put you in a position you wouldn’t like to be in , avoid talking about it , don’t even attend the bachelor if he asked say i thought it’s for the groomsman only , attend the weeding as a normal guess and you will be fine , if it still hurt you then after the weeding you can ask .

slayerchick −  I can’t say what your situation is, but hear me out. First, I’m a woman for all that it matters. I had two bridesmaids at my wedding since we were trying to keep things small and costs down. I chose a friend I knew since 6th grade and a friend I met in 8th grade. They were not my oldest friends.

I had friends I met in 3rd grade come to the wedding too and we are all good friends… But the two I chose were the ones I felt closest to at that point in time. Honestly, my friendship with one has gotten stronger while I don’t feel quite as close to the other anymore, though we’re still friends.

If I were to have my wedding today, the people I would choose would be different because of how things have changed. I feel like I should also mention that I have a sister and a niece. They weren’t in my wedding party either because we aren’t terribly close.

When thinking about his best man, my husband’s first thought was his close friend before he remembered that he does have a brother and that his family would probably be upset if he wasn’t the best man. He and his brother were close when they were younger, but they’d grown a little apart since his brother can be difficult and moody at times.

Still, he chose him as best man (mostly to avoid problems). Just consider that everyone has their own reasons for choosing the people they do and it isn’t a slight not to be in a wedding party. There’s only so many positions and they may feel pressured to put certain people in some of them or they may feel closer to one person than another.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t friends or important to them. it’s not a contest. YTA for asking. Just go and support your friend as a guest. Don’t be too hurt over such a small thing. FYI, my maid of honor didn’t have me be in her wedding party. It’s not a big deal.

Would it be reasonable for this friend to ask why he wasn’t chosen, or should he leave it alone to keep the peace? Have you ever faced a similar situation with a close friend? Share your thoughts below!