AITA for getting my daughter a designer bag when not everyone in the group could afford it?

A Redditor finds herself in hot water after purchasing a designer bag for her daughter, which inadvertently sparked jealousy among her daughter’s playdate group. As the sole breadwinner in her household, the Redditor has a different budget than the other moms, and while she wanted her daughter to feel included among her peers, the choice to buy matching designer bags was met with backlash.

After receiving messages from the other moms expressing their concerns about the implications of her purchase, including one mother whose daughter is upset about not being able to afford the same bag, the Redditor is left questioning whether she crossed a line.

Was her desire to treat her daughter unreasonable, or is this an overreaction from the other parents? Read the original story below to delve into the complexities of parenting and social dynamics in groups.

‘ AITA for getting my daughter a designer bag when not everyone in the group could afford it?’

So, I’m part of a playdate group that my sister invited me to. We’re all in the 30s-40s range and our daughters are in the 6-8 age range, but we’re all at different life stages. Out of the group, my husband works a lot and makes the most money.

While none of them are struggling (at least no one has outright said), we do have different budgets. There hasn’t been any drama in the past two years until recently when one of the girls, Autumn (not her real name), got a purse and then everyone got a purse except for my daughter.

She’s two years younger than the other girls, so I didn’t know how to feel about getting her a brand-new purse, but I also didn’t want her to be left out.

Now, I only carry designer bags because I like the way they look, and because my daughter wants to be my mini-me, I bought us matching crossbody bags. It was adorable! I didn’t see a problem with it since kids can’t tell the difference, and when we were at our weekly playdate, no one said anything, so I figured no one cared… Well, I was more than wrong when I checked the group chat.

All the other moms, including my sister, were texting me saying they felt like we were trying to show off that we had money, which felt unfair because they were the ones who always brought up bills and shopping for clothes, while I usually stayed out of the conversation.

Then Autumn’s mom texted that she was crying because she wanted the same bag for her approaching birthday now and they couldn’t afford it. And while I feel bad, I also think this is just a part of life. Even my daughter doesn’t get everything she asks for because she sees it. So am I the j**k in this situation?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

McflyThrowaway01 −  NTA. The fact that grown ass women who are mothers are literally texting you about having a new purse and how it’s unfair when they talk about their bills and think you showed off. When all you did was walk in with the purse and didn’t say anything about it.

Then that extra jealous one sends the most guilt trippy text about her bday, trying to guilt you into giving her yours or your kids bag?
Who does this? It’s unfair I can’t have it so I’m gonna make you feel bad for having it. Your sister is a piece of work as well. How dare she not have your back, but she is probably jealous of you and perpetuated this BS.

I’d respond with “if by showing off, you mean that I walked in and sat down and didn’t mention my purse, then yes I showed off. I did nothing wrong and I’m not responsible for any of your feelings. I thought we were adults, but I guess not. I won’t be attending any more play groups as it’s not fair to me and my kid to be subjected to the 2024 version of mean girls.”

Fit-Ad-7276 −  Soft YTA—not because you bought your daughter a designer bag per se, but because there’s hypocrisy in your self defense. Allow me to explain. When Autumn got a purse, it created social pressure for the other kids and their parents.

While each family had freedom not to give into this pressure, you bore witness as one by one each girl ended up with a bag of their own. When your daughter was the only one left out, you also caved and bought her a purse.

By buying your daughter not just any purse but a designer purse, you’ve inadvertently set a new social pressure in motion—this time, about having a certain kind of purse.

Now that fingers are pointed at you as the instigator, it suddenly shocks you that the other families are feeling pressure to measure up. And, despite being unwilling to let your own daughter go without, you now think these other families should simply accept that it’s just part of life not to have what others have.

I’m not in any way meaning to condone the ridiculous in all this. Rather, I’m merely trying to suggest that you approach all situations with an equal mindset—even when you’re the one in focus.

siani_lane −  You’re NTA but a designer bag for a 6-8 year old is just throwing money away. I say this as a parent, but also as someone who taught A LOT of 6-8 year olds over the years- she is going to lose it, or spill juice on it, or leave it in the sun full of crayons, or paint it with fingernail polish, or just cut it up with scissors because something in her brain said “destroy” within a matter of months. It is what little kids do.

The other moms were wrong to hassle you, but I can’t really blame them for being envious. They should have kept their feelings to themselves, it’s their problem not yours, but man, I wish I could afford to toss wads of cash to the wind like that, too! Have empathy, and let it drop if they do.

Marshmallowfrootloop −  ESH. Especially you. Buying designer bags for 6-8 year olds????? WTAF. 

Typical2sday −  YTA. She has a friend group. Things among peers occur at a certain price point; it makes things easier for all involved. Instead, you bought a 6 yo a designer bag for YOUR ego, not bc she asked for it. (With your husband’s money btw.)

This is not unlike a parent giving a kid a cell phone or social media access when everyone else in the peer group doesn’t have it and all parents agreed it was kind of nice not having the phone/SM access at that age.

You introduced status seeking to elementary school girls bc mini me is adorable. I don’t think you thought it through sufficiently.
It is strange that everyone is calling you out rather than whispering behind your back, so I guess you’re not WASPs.

mewley −  I really hope this is f**e. But if it’s not, ESH. You obviously are aware of a significant difference in socioeconomic status, as are your friends.

You obviously knew that buying your daughter a designer purse had the possibility of becoming an issue, or you wouldn’t have “figured no one cared” after you all got together because you wouldn’t have been thinking about it at all. Now you’re trying to play the cluelessly wealthy, woe is me card. It all is just a little bit insufferable.

But your friends also were inappropriate in bitching about it to you. In the end it’s your money and if you want to throw it around, you can. And you are not wrong – learning to live with the conspicuous overconsumption of your wealthy friends is indeed part of life. Time for them to teach their kids that wealth isn’t everything.

nowaynohowanyway −  YTA this was nothing more than a financial flex to show the other mothers you have so much money that you can afford to toss it away on a kiddie bag. And good for you. I want to have your wealth.

But you took your wealth and inserted it into a part of your life where wealth wasn’t a factor until now. I’d start looking for a new playgroup because you are already not welcome in this one.

LonelyOwl68 −  NTA. Intention is everything here. You didn’t intend for the other children or their mothers to be envious of the bag. It was sort of a fun thing for you and your daughter to do.

The price of the bag is no one else’s business. If you didn’t bring it up, no one else should have. It’s possible your daughter did, maybe? Or did she even know?

Autumn’s mother could have fairly easily gone shopping and gotten a less expensive knock-off bag and one for her daughter, if she wanted to. Just because Autumn saw your daughter’s bag doesn’t mean her mother has to pony up that much money if she doesn’t want to, or can’t afford to.

Autumn’s mother is envious of your ability to get more expensive things; sorry for her, but that’s not your problem. You weren’t showing off or parading the bags around and bragging about how much they cost. Also, you are right when you say that this is how life is; you don’t always get whatever you want.

Make sure your daughter isn’t bragging on her things to the other kids. How much something costs isn’t a matter for polite conversation among courteous people; as long as your daughter knows that, the other moms and kids should not be making a big deal of it, either.

If the subject comes up again, simply say that the price isn’t for everyone to know, and it’s no one else’s business but yours. You can be as tactful or as brassy as you like, depending on the attitude of the other people. No one should care how much this or that bag cost. If they do, that’s their issue, not yours.

sweet_caroline20 −  Personally I think it’s weird to buy a 6 year old a designer bag. There’s no way it doesn’t get damaged or lost within the year but if you want to light money on fire that’s obviously your choice. I do think your sister and the other moms were very out of line though.

snork13 −  YTA.. Because of your b**lshit excuses. when one of the girls, Autumn (not her real name), got a purse and then everyone got a purse except for my daughter. She’s two years younger than the other girls, *so I didn’t know how to feel about getting her a brand-new purse,* but I also didn’t want her to be left out.

*Now, I only carry designer bags because I like the way they look, and because my daughter wants to be my mini-me, I bought us matching crossbody bags.

* One girl got something, so all the other girls had to get something. Your daughter is 2 years younger than the other girls, but you didn’t want her to feel left out. *I didn’t know how to feel about getting her a brand-new purse -* apparently, you did.

*Now, I only carry designer bags because I like the way they look* – not because of the quality or status, it’s the look, which you just can’t get from a dupe or replica, or any other no-name bag.

*because my daughter wants to be my mini-me, I bought us matching crossbody bags.* – you couldn’t find matching no-name bags, that you like the look of, just for your daughter?

It’s not an a**hole move to not want your daughter to be left out or to say you only buy designer, because you can afford to have nothing but designer for you and your daughter

It is an a**hole move to try to excuse what you did with ‘I had doubts about a brand new purse, but because ‘I only have designer & my daughter wants to match what I have, so I had *no other option* than to buy a matching designer set.’
Y’all are playing a dumb version of “keeping up with the Jones'”