AITA on how I told my wife I’m concerned for her weight gain?

A Redditor is struggling after a heartfelt attempt to express concern about his wife’s health led to an emotional reaction. She has experienced significant weight gain, and though he tried to reassure her and offer support, his text ended up causing tears and leaving him questioning if he handled it the right way. He’s wondering if his approach was insensitive or if there was a better way to share his concerns. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA on how I told my wife I’m concerned for her weight gain?’

My wife is everything to me. When she came into my life she changed my life 180 degrees. Everything I’ve done I’ve done because she’s given me the will power to overcome any challenge, Liqour, Cigs, type 2 diabetes, going back to school. Recently she’s been talking about how much weight she’s gained.

When we got married 3 years ago she weighed 130 pounds and now she’s pushing 200. In those 3 years she’s developed a lot of heath problems that’s had her in the hospital 100 days in 3 years. Type 1 diabetic, gastroperesis, HS, along with seizures. All of that has added a lot of new medication to her daily routine, including Amnitryptline.

Last night she made another comment about her weight saying “I know I’m getting fatter because I can’t even cross my legs anymore”. So this morning I sent her a text that said “I just want to tell you and reassure you that I will love you in every season and every form you take.

You are my girl, my partna, my sweet cheese. You looked beautiful to me 4 years ago and you look beautiful to me now, and in 60 years you will still look beautiful to me. But health wise, Do you think you should get your hormones or something checked out?

I think it’s just odd that your diabetes is way better and it’s not like you eat huge meals 3 times a day or a lot of sugar but you are gaining weight and Kenny I want you to know this is not coming from a place of pride or “dang I wish my wife was smaller”.

I love you and I want us both to live a long healthy life together. I love you so so so much.” We were talking on the phone when I asked if she had seen my message and she said no and read it.

She understandably started crying, saying she didn’t want to talk but kept me on the phone so I just listened to her cry for 30 minutes while trying to make her understand that was coming from a place of caring and not me shaming her.

She said she would’ve liked me to say this to her face but I told i feel I’m able to say exactly what I want to say over text and take the time to think about what I text. Also in therapy she can show what exactly I said.. Help my male lizard brain.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

TrainingDearest −  Gentle YTA. Sure, the writing of it helped *you organize* what you wanted to say. BUT that was not the best medium for HER *to receive* a very loaded message! A lot of feelings and helpful contextual clues are non-existent or MISREAD in a written message.

Your wife NEEDED those. Basically, the writing was best for you, but NOT best for HER. You could’ve/should’ve written it all out and then read it to her yourself, thereby providing that extra layer of tone and emotion that she needed with such a difficult message.

Amiedeslivres −  Soft YTA. Your wife is seeing doctors a LOT. They know about her weight gain. That kind of gain can be due to a sudden change to being more sedentary, such as happens with illness. It can be due to metabolic change. It can be due to medication.

Sounds like your wife has been contending with all three. And doctors are not known for being tactful about weight. Healthy, sustainable weight loss may not be a reasonable goal for her. You can bet she has her own concerns and fears. She knows she’s gained weight and I expect she’s not stupid.

She may be mourning her old self—who may well not be coming back. Your text, especially delivered by text, hurt her without being anything she can really do much about. The right thing to do here is ask questions: Have these various doctors communicated with her about weight?

Are they all fully aware of what meds she’s on and her complete history? Have they offered strategies? Have they offered referrals to specialist support? What strategies have been recommended? What are your wife’s barriers to implementing them? Hell, how is she even feeling?

But telling her things about how you feel about her body, rather than asking where she’s at and what she needs, is profoundly unhelpful and may be counterproductive.

Curious_Reference408 −  I hate to tell you this but amitriptyline is one of the worst meds out there for having serious weight gain as a side effect. This might already have contributed to some of her weight. I mean, don’t just have her stop it, but it is something to bear in mind. Soft YTA, because you’re coming from a loving place but you didn’t do it sensitively enough.

Gold_Statistician500 −  Yeahhh you should’ve done some research into her disorders. People with type 1 diabetes almost always gain weight after their diagnosis and treatment. In fact, weight gain is part of recovery. Many people are underweight before their diagnosis because their bodies are consuming fat and muscle since they can’t properly process the sugar in food without insulin.

It’s also very difficult for a T1 diabetic to lose weight because they have to be extremely careful about maintaining their blood sugar levels while restricting calories. Amitriptyline can also cause weight gain, FYI. Her doctors are aware that she’s been gaining weight.

GothGirlAtHeart77 −  A soft YTA because I think you have a chicken or the egg situation. It’s rare to develop type one diabetes as an adult and it doesn’t come from weight gain, that’s type two. I don’t believe seizures is a symptom of obesity either…

Amitriptyline is a Triptan and a strong one at that, it turned to me to a zombie. And you said multiple medications as well. Meds can lead to a lot of weight gain or side effects that makes someone less motivated to work out/eat right.

I doubt she needs her hormones checked when there’s about fifteen other reasons a doctor would check first, including these meds. You’re right that she should maybe speak to a doctor about this but you probably blindsided her with that text rather than sitting her down to discuss it.

boysenberrypotpie −  YTA for sending this over text and not having a real heart-to-heart with her. It’s your wife. It’s not some first date that you’re not interested in seeing again.

angel9_writes −  How many of medications have a side effect of weight gain?

Unfair_Finger5531 −  YTA. Don’t send someone a text message saying I love you as you are, and then follow up with a discussion about how much weight they’ve gained. If you want her to get her hormones checked, tell her that in a face-to-face conversation.

I would be upset too if my husband pointed out weight gain that I know we both can see over a damn text message. You have no situational awareness. Do you think she needed to get that text message in the middle of day? Or were you just super-focused on getting your point across when *you* wanted to get it across?

bullshitallergy1974 −  YTA for sending it in a text, not for what you said.

[Reddit User] −  YTA, you should’ve talked to her about this privately if you’re so “concerned”.

Do you think the husband’s message was thoughtful and supportive, or could he have approached it differently? What advice would you give for discussing sensitive topics with a partner? Share your insights below!