AITA for being disappointed in my 40th birthday?

A Redditor shared her disappointment in her 40th birthday, which she had hoped would be more meaningful and memorable. Despite her husband buying several gifts from her wish list, the day itself felt like any other Saturday, with no special surprises or quality time alone. Although her husband arranged a cake and bought gifts, she felt underwhelmed due to the lack of thoughtful details and spontaneity. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for being disappointed in my 40th birthday?’

I turned 40 on Saturday. My husband turns 40 in a few weeks too. We have a 5 year old. I’m not one for big birthday celebrations (never had a party) but this year I’ve been dropping hints to my husband that turning 40 feels like a big deal. Perhaps worthy of a few different ways to mark the occasion etc.

My husband is an appalling gift buyer – so, with two months notice, I gave him a very specific list of things he could consider buying me, complete with a link of where to buy them (all mostly Amazon).

He was very generous and bought a number of items on the list tho for context, I earn 2.5 x my husband’s salary so it’s not really about the cost – it’s the thought). However, my actual birthday was meh. There was no fuss, no breakfast in bed, no evening meal out. Not even a balloon.

I woke up early and my little one joined me in bed to watch cartoons. I opened my presents. We took our little one to the park and then had lunch at a restaurant. The location was picked by my husband as it was somewhere we could tire our little one out afterwards).

Even my mum couldn’t be bothered to visit me – I had to pop down to see her (she lives 20 mins drive away). That was it. Pretty much like every Saturday. We even stopped at the supermarket on the way home to get pet food and spent the evening on the sofa watching TV.

There was no spontaneity, no surprises. Not a homemade birthday card from my little one. My husband did arrange for a lovely birthday cake to be made but with fresh cream which aggravates my IBS (I can’t tell him that as he was so proud he arranged a cake) but after 15 years together I had higher expectations.

On Sunday I woke up to the usual chores of washing, supermarket shopping, cleaning the house. This really pissed me off as I had imagined at least a low-key birthday weekend where we could do something different. Maybe arrange a baby-sitter and have Sunday to ourselves? He went swimming whilst I did the shopping.

I couldn’t hide my disappointment and last night I told my husband I was sorry I hadn’t marked by 40th in a more spectacular way. I wasn’t looking for a party or fancy dinners – but something to make the occasion feel different, more than a regular birthday.

He said how hurtful my comments were given all his efforts and how difficult it had been hunting down presents, arranging a cake, and trying to manage/guess what I really wanted for my birthday. In contrast, for my husbands 30th I arranged a day of surprises then flew him to Paris for a long weekend.

His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too. I feel surprisingly disappointed by the whole thing. AITA? I think ITA. I did get lovely presents and it’s hard planning with a small child in tow – but honestly it’s left me feeling so blue and underwhelmed.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

applebum8807 −  YTA. 40 is way too f**king late to learn that people can’t read your mind and that you should use your words to communicate what you want.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. People in this thread seem to have pretty low expectations from husbands, the bar seems to be on the floor. Yes, he bought gifts, arranged a (wrong) cake and lunch, but this is the bare minimum.

It does not have to be an expensive surprise or party if finances are an issue, but some extra attention or fuss would be appropriate for a 40th birthday, unless someone explicitly states that they do not want that.

While you could have communicated your expectations more clearly beforehand in stead of just dropping hints that 40 is a big deal, it’s not unreasonable to expect something special to mark big birthdays like 40 or 50.

jrm1102 −  YTA – You didn’t communicate what you wanted then got pissy when your husband didnt read your mind. Yeah, is this a low effort birthday celebration, sure. But he got you all the presents you asked, acknowledged the day, made a cake, etc.

itsminimes −  NTA. Cancel everything you have set up for his birthday and get him a couple of presents and cake. Nothing more, nothing less than what you had.

caffeinate_the_nanny −  NTA, but not without some responsibility. After being married for 15 years, the bar for knowing what will make you ill is below the ground at this point. He clicked “order” from the online list you gave him, and bought you a cake that you couldn’t enjoy. I’d be hurt, too. “Why didn’t you say something direct?” Well, why didn’t he ask something direct?

People who make excuses for partners – especially men in hetero relationships – often confuse common sense with “mind reading”. I don’t have to read my husband’s mind to know what kind of cake he likes. I don’t have to read his mind to know he appreciates written affection.

I don’t have to read his mind to know how he’d enjoy celebrating – because I took the time to learn that in the last TEN YEARS. Now, if he wants something in particular, like a specific restaurant or a specific trip or specific activity, then yes, he should communicate that.

He also knows my favorites, my hobbies, my friends, the things I enjoy. A dinner together on my birthday is a given. We shouldn’t have to plan our own party for grown ass men who use the excuse of “I’m just not as good at it”, “men think dIfFeReNtLy”, “how was I supposed to know what you like?”.

Funny how they can figure it out for tasks at work and for their own hobbies, but then act like relationship building is women’s work because they’re just so incapable. You know who knows how to hire a babysitter? A parent. A parent does. Being male doesn’t somehow make planning care for your child hard.

Now I will say, this seems like a long term issue, not a one time thing. I’m the fact that you feel that you can’t tell him the cake would make you sick is a problem. The fact that he didn’t consider bringing the whole family (yall’s son) into the celebration is a problem.

I think you both need to communicate to each other. He needs to acknowledge he’s been coasting and that he should be asking and learning. It’s not your job to teach him, it’s his job as a partner to learn.

But you need to acknowledge that withholding that information from him doesn’t spare his feelings or make you a martyr, it’s setting him up for failure and you for resentment. How can he do better if you don’t tell him? What happens next time he brings you something with cream?

Society often tells women we demand too much, which is BS. Be strong enough to validate your own needs and feelings, and to communicate them in a clear way. He can’t do that for you. But he should listen and encourage you to keep letting him know.

He should take initiative to do more than the bare minimum. He should pay attention to your needs without being reminded all the time. Good luck and Happy Belated Birthday!

[Reddit User] −  How hard was the things he arranged? Pretty effing easy! You spoon fed most of it. And he couldn’t remember you don’t eat cream after years of living together.

Less_Ordinary_8516 −  NTA. Why do you put so much effort into his birthday. Make it as low key as yours was. Maybe that’s his hint. If it’s hard for him to plan with a baby around, it should be just as hard for you. Relax on his birthday because the pomp is making you want more. Next year plan your own birthday, you will have a blast!!

TKWander −  Wowee, the amount of people in the comments saying OP is the a**hole for feeling disappointed :/ ……wow No, her husband isn’t a mind reader….but after being (and living) with someone for so long you Notice what they can and can’t eat/what makes them sick…. and it being a huge milestone birthday…

Dude just ordered cake, that technically she shouldn’t even really eat, and didn’t even clean up or do the weekly shopping for her. O.o You don’t want to HAVE to spell out every single thing to do for your own birthday.

You want your partner to care enough and notice enough and be Considerate enough to think, ‘hmmm dairy makes her sick, maybe NOT the fresh cream cake for her birthday’. You want them to think, ‘hmm breakfast in bed would be a perfect start to my love’s birthday.

The day I want to celebrate her being in my life and being on this earth’. You want them to maybe make the day a little more special than a random weekend For an example with different context.

I JUST figured out I have a nightshade allergy (can’t eat tomatoes, potatoes, etc) this last year, and that would be like my family making a big thing of red sauce lasagna for me…for my birthday, and then me having to clean up the dinner the next day cause no one else did, and then people calling me the AH for being disappointed.

I would Definitely feel disappointed! And in immense pain after the fact (if I ate it) AND she’s already given examples where she has gone SO above and beyond for his birthdays in the past, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of thought that MAYBE he could do more than the bare minimum for her 40th? Wowee what a lackluster partner

Personally, I’d not do anything huge for his 40th. Match his energy 100%. He won’t get it, until he himself experiences it. Just order a cake, give him a gift. Day over. 40 is nothing special, right? :/ I’m sorry that was your 40th for you. Maybe take yourself away for a staycation spay weekend or something? Pamper yourself. You’re NTA for feeling and being disappointed

Altruistic_You737 −  NTA – hun I feel your pain. I too wanted a bit of a birthday milestone celebration this year (also 40) and it was also meh. I organised everything, bought my own gifts because I knew my husband would run out of time, bought my own cake, topper, balloons etc.

All he had to do was blow them up and put the topper on the cake. Neither happened.  Friends also had big birthdays this year- I spoiled them a bit with thoughtful gifts and cards – didn’t get even a card back. Even my parents phoned it in too.

So I get it because I go all out for the people I love birthdays too – I want them to feel appreciated and special. And can’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to feel the same. Do what I did – book yourself in for a spa day alone and spoil yourself because you know you deserve it.

And as far as the annoying people saying birthdays don’t matter – good for them glad they’re so grownup and evolved but some of us still enjoy them no matter how petty and childish that makes us. Also Happy Birthday from a fellow May Baby x 💕🎂🎉

Sorry_I_Guess −  NTA, and all the “hE’s NoT a mInDreAdeR” people are ridiculous. You’re not psychic either, but you’re intelligent and kind enough to arrange something nice for your spouse’s birthday, and you weren’t even asking for anything exciting . . . just SOMETHING.

Even if it weren’t such a huge milestone (and it really is), I’m side-eyeing your husband for not even getting a babysitter and arranging a date night at a nice restaurant. I suspect that even just that would have made you very happy, and it takes virtually no forethought.

Is the Redditor’s disappointment understandable, given her specific hints and expectations? Or should she be more appreciative of her husband’s efforts despite the simplicity? How would you handle a milestone birthday? Share your thoughts below!