AITA for kicking out my sister for her emo outfit and telling her she can go to the funeral when she wears respectable clothes ?
A woman kicked her sister out of their father’s funeral because she arrived in an emo-style outfit, including a band t-shirt, fishnets, and skull jewelry. Despite past issues with similar behavior at events like the woman’s wedding, the sister ignored the request to dress more respectfully.
Their mother also supported the decision to make her leave. Now, the sister is calling her a jerk, and some people feel the reaction was too harsh. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for kicking out my sister for her emo outfit and telling her she can go to the funeral when she wears respectable clothes ?’
Last weekend was my dads funeral. I planned it since my mom has been a reck. My mom and my sister are not close. I am also not close to her and I think she is a d**k. So I am probably bias. My sister dresses in the emo style. So skulls, collars, lots of blacks and reds, heavy makeup and so on.
I truly don’t care most of the time, she can wear what she wants. This is a issue at important events, my wedding she did this even after she agreed to tone it down. She is always going full out with her outfits. I don’t understand why she won’t ever tone it down.
For the funeral she came in wearing a short skirt, band teashirt, heavy makeup, fishnets and jewelry (collar thing and skulls). I was very upset that she couldnt dress appropriately for a funeral and I told her to leave. She got pissed and told her go home and put on a respectable outfit.
She stayed until my mom told her to get the f**k out since she can’t dress appropriately. She left and didn’t come back. A lot of people who say her outfit agree she was out of line for a funeral. My sister has been calling me a j**k, and some people are saying I went to far.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
jayphrax − NTA, a miniskirt and fishnets is not even in the *realm* of appropriate for a funeral. It would be much different if she’d worn a black dress with some jewelry in her style. But at 26, she should know that this was tone deaf at best and attention seeking at worst.
Though the added context that she didn’t even bother coming to see your father on his deathbed is what pushed this into you not being the a**hole for me. Yes, everybody grieves different. But you weren’t dictating her grief process the way a lot of these comments seem to believe, just trying to make the funeral a respectful atmosphere for the sake of your mother.
blueeyedwolff − My cousin wore a beautiful dress to our grandmother’s funeral. Most people probably wouldn’t have considered her dress appropriate for a funeral, but my grandmother had asked her to wear it specifically to her funeral, it was my grandmother’s favorite dress. And she did.
A lot of people talked about what she wore, but the ones who mattered knew why she wore what she did. And we all supported it, because there is so much more to the story that you may not know. Just remember, there may be more to the story. So don’t make assumptions.
Ryuugan80 − NTA. This is one of those situations where there’s a divide based on demographics, most likely age. There are times, places, and standards where different clothes are expected or required. Funerals, weddings, work, job interviews, etc. You didn’t want her to not be who she is or anything like that.
You wanted her to be REASONABLE. It is perfectly possible to be goth/emo/extra and still within range for a funeral. Hell, it would have been EASY for her to do it. It’s literally just all black. She KNEW she was expected to dress formally and chose to ignore that.
My Chemical Romance’s Helena MV is a good example of that. What she was wearing sounds closer to club wear. You can dress/do what you want, but if you choose to step outside what a known/stated standard is, you aren’t free from consequences, whether that’s not getting a job or irritation/judgment from family.
And, saying that it doesn’t affect you also isn’t true. Because her outfit was LOUD. It was, likely intentionally, meant to attract attention. Which means that instead of focusing on speeches or on your dad, people were likely glancing at her or coming up to you and asking about her as you are the host/older sibling.
You were already dealing with a lot, so adding the fact that she couldn’t do this ONE THING on this ONE DAY to make your life just a teeny bit easier was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back for you and your mom.
Hippopotasaurus-Rex − NTA and I really don’t understand everyone saying Y T A. Look, there are societal contracts/requirements and we all just have to s**k it up sometimes, even if we don’t agree/like them. You don’t get to just circumvent those societal requirements/contracts and expect to be part of society.
OP said in their comments that dad would not have been onboard with sister dressing as she did at the funeral. That’s disrespectful to dad. Mom wasn’t ok with it since she kicked sister out. Disrespectful to the widow.
It’s also disrespectful to everyone else who decided to participate, when sister decided to ignore the social contract. Did everyone want to dress up, and go sit in a church? Probably not. But they didn’t anyhow, because that’s what society has decided is the right thing as a whole.
WillowxWarrior − YTA. My sibling recently passed away and I was also responsible for a lot of the funeral details. Some of my sibling’s clients came to the service dressed in jeans and a tshirt, lots of my sibling’s friends came in goth attire, hell one of my sibling’s former friends even came in a full on f**king pirate costume.
I didn’t ask any of them to leave, because how they chose to dress to process their grief and honor my sibling was completely private for them. Did I hate the fact that someone my sibling wasn’t even friends with anymore chose to wear an actual pirate outfit like it was some sort of costume party? Absolutely.
Did I talk s**t about her with my and my sibling’s mutual friends after the services? You bet your ass. But did I disrupt my sibling’s funeral to tell someone to leave over a ridiculous outfit choice? Absolutely not.
At the end of the day, what someone is wearing has absolutely no bearing on the funeral services and your ability to love and honor your dad. If people want to see your sister’s outfit as tacky, that is their prerogative. That doesn’t mean she should have been forced to leave, she should have been able to process her grief and say goodbye to her father.
AutumnKoo − I’m gonna go with NTA. I dressed emo for 20 years of my life(I’m 35 now) but I wouldn’t go to a funeral in fishnets or dress my baby in black with skulls. Your sister is acting like a child. There’s a time and a place to follow a silent protocol, specially if it’s another person’s event.
She’s not a child unable to understand social consensus, she’s acting like a 13 year old saying “That will show them”.
[Reddit User] − YTA. People who obsess over what to wear at a funeral have totally lost sight of its purpose. It’s grieving the dead and supporting their survivors, not a fashion show. “Appropriate funeral attire” is completely subjective, anyway. Some culture would have looked at whatever you’re wearing and called it inappropriate.
People who prefer a “celebration of life” and turn the wake into a joyous event often think the drab approach is inappropriate. Sister could have shown up in a bikini and it still would have been less inappropriate than the action of kicking her out of her own dad’s funeral for what she’s wearing. You’re awful.
owls_and_cardinals − I’m sorry for your loss. I think your dislike for your sister and your grief probably caused you to react this way but I do feel you were out of line. Your sister is who she is. You might prefer she dress or present herself differently but frankly she doesn’t owe you or anyone else that.
You blew this situation up and took away her opportunity to take this important step in her grief and that was not ok. You might personally, privately judge her or feel her choices of dress were inappropriate but you don’t get to gate keep how people grieve or who gets to.
I think you owe your sister an apology. It’s a big deal that you took this away from her. She may never forgive you (not that I think you’ll care). YTA.
KryoChamber − Info- how old is she?
Intelligent_evolver − YTA. Let’s look at this story from another angle. “My brother kicked me out of our dad’s funeral because he said I wasn’t dressed appropriately. My outfit was the way I always dressed–the way my father knew me. All my bits and pieces were covered; there was no hate speech, no pornography, no religious mockery, nor any other offensive content.”
Once these basic guidelines are met, whether or not her outfit was “appropriate” for a funeral is totally subjective. But kicking someone out of a funeral when they are not actively disrupting the proceedings (starting fights, drunkenly yelling, etc) is an objectively a**hole move.
Was it right to insist on dress code respect, or did she take it too far? Share your thoughts below!
