AITA for constantly inviting my brother’s ex to do things with us after she went out of her way to bring my niece to visit my family during the summer?

A Reddit user explains how they started inviting their brother’s ex, Maya, to family events after she went out of her way to bring their niece for a summer visit. While the user felt it was a kind gesture and important for family unity, especially for their niece, the brother’s friends and eventually the brother himself grew upset, saying it was uncomfortable for everyone.

Despite this, the user felt it was important to maintain a good relationship with Maya. Read the story below to see how the tensions unfolded.

‘ AITA for constantly inviting my brother’s ex to do things with us after she went out of her way to bring my niece to visit my family during the summer?’

Like I mentioned in the title my brother’s ex Maya went out of her way to bring my niece to a different country so she could spend the summer with my family. I know it couldn’t have been easy for her and I felt bad that she was stuck all alone so I started inviting her to do things with us.

Sometimes my niece would be there, which is when everybody was okay with me inviting her, but other times it was just us (my brother, family and friends) which is when people started having issues with it. The first person to bring it up was my brother’s best friend.

He told me to stop getting her to tag along because “nobody” wanted her there. I told him he should stay home if he had an issue with it because I wanted here there. We had multiple arguments over it and eventually other people started joining in and siding with him. A lot of them were expressing faux concern for my brother but he hadn’t said anything about me inviting Maya along at this point.

Now I know my brother probably has unresolved feelings for Maya because she’s the first person in his life to leave him and he proposed to her so I get it… but at the same time they have a daughter together now so they need to be okay being around each other and I don’t want my niece to think we dislike her mother.

Eventually my brother did tell me to stop inviting Maya but he tried to act like he was saying it out of concern for her and not because it bothered him. His reasoning was that Maya’s a “homebody” and I was “most likely” making her uncomfortable and she felt like she had no choice but to accept my invites because she was a guest in our home which I think he just made up because she could’ve said no.

The reason I’m making this post is because towards the end of their visit my brother kept getting angry at me over the slightest thing and I know it’s because of this. He also joined in when his friends were bitching about me in front of my boyfriend (his friend). Usually he wouldn’t let his friends say a bad word about me which is how I know I’ve made him really angry.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  INFO. What are you inviting her too? You’re right that your brother has to find a common ground with Maya because they have a kid. However, there’s a time and place.

You do come across as you’re trying to act like everything is normal.
What’s going to happen if your brother wants to start seeing someone new? Maya can’t always be around for that.

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. Like I mentioned in the title my brother’s ex Maya went out of her way to bring my niece to a different country so she could spend the summer with my family. I know it couldn’t have been easy for her and I felt bad that she was stuck all alone so I started inviting her to do things with us.

Your niece’s mother was super nice so that your niece/brothers daughter could spend time with the family and had no one else she knew close by.

Now I know my brother probably has unresolved feelings for Maya because she’s the first person in his life to leave him and he proposed to her so I get it… but at the same time they have a daughter together now so they need to be okay being around each other and I don’t want my niece to think we dislike her mother.

It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it up \[unless one side cheated\] so your brother needs to get used to seeing his ex as he is tied to her for the life of their daughter.

mfafl −  YTA. It’s one thing if your niece is around, but to constantly invite her to everything is weird. If you’re concerned for her, then go out with her for coffee or some other activity. 

Heeler_Haven −  Info/clarification…. is Maya staying in your family’s home during this visit? He/they were expecting to leave a guest in the house whilst everyone else went out?

cs24385 −  YTA. You have been asked to stop inviting the other person. You continue to extend an invitation. Your justifications are just that, justifications.
If you want to spend time with Maya and her daughter, ask them to go do something without the rest of the family. It is not your job to police your brother’s interactions with others if he is an adult.

SliceEquivalent825 −  YTA Involving the ex who left your sibling is like rubbing salt in an open wound. You felt like you know better than anybody what is the right thing. You don’t, you have made a painful situation for your family. You are the AH, go spend time with Maya if you want by YOURSELF. Stop your nonsense.

Having-hope3594 −  YTA. Inviting her along when your niece wasn’t even around and not checking with your brother. Your brother deserves your loyalty first. 

wombatdancing −  So, when you go through a painful breakup, you’ll be totally cool with your brother bringing your ex around, on a regular basis? And you’ll accept him presuming to dictate to you how you should feel about it?

Listen I get that maintaining a relationship between your niece and extended family is important,  and it sounds like Maya is being very gracious in accommodating that. It doesn’t mean your brother should have her presence forced on him continually, especially when it’s not a co-parenting event. 

Jumpy_Succotash_241 −  I can’t understand people saying YTA. Maya has travelled to your family home and is staying in that home so your brother can spend the summer with his daughter.

Everyone is cool with that, but want her to just stay in the house alone while you all go out? If it bothers your family so much, maybe next time one of them can go a fly out to collect her and bring her back so Maya doesn’t have to be around. I feel bad for Maya. NTA

Kami_Sang −  OP – I understand why you invited her but they are over. Just because they have a child together it does not mean they have to do everything together with the child or always be in each other’s faces. You also said it’s likely your brother has unresolved feelings for Maya – so give him the space he needs from her.

You felt more compassion for Maya than your brother. Maya going out of her way is between your brother and her. Alsp, Maya’s a grown woman – I would love to spend time on my own abroad. It is possible that you made her feel like she had to join. I’m not a homebody and 100% I would not want to tag along with my ex’s family and would feel imposed on to accept invites.

Now maybe Maya was appreciative and wanted to join in. But what about your brother? Is he irrelevant? He deserves to move on. The fact that he wasn’t inviting her says everything. Why are you butting in?

I think the number 1 rule is to let the parent of the child you are related to lead. Step back and let your brother handle his ongoing relationship with his ex. If you want to spend 1:1 time with her and niece go ahead but stop inviting her to family and friends events that he is not inviting her to.

Also, his friend spoke up for him and is actually looking out for your brother more than you are. You don’t need to look out for anyone but you chose Maya because she’s alone. That was Maya’s choice – it’s not like someone did something bad to her and you’re supporting her.

Putting her in your brother’s face for the whole summer could have negatively impacted his progress in moving on and towards a healthier co-parenting relationship which is overall better for your niece.

Imo – YTA. Apologise to your brother and acknowledge you didn’t consider his feelings enough. Alsp, just step back. Unless your brother is tanking as a Dad, ket him handle his ex, his daughter and his coparenting relationship.

Very few people want their ex hanging around them for a whole summer. Maybe he can get there one day but not when he still has unresolved feelings. That’s just unkind to your brother.