AITA For refusing to drive to my wife’s monthly family get together?

A Redditor described the ongoing conflict with his wife regarding their monthly family gatherings at her parents’ house, which are a three-hour drive away. The husband enjoys spending time with her family but is frustrated by the burden of driving the long distance alone, especially since it happens every month.

His wife has anxiety about driving on freeways and insists he should always take the wheel. After skipping the last gathering to rest, the husband proposed that his wife drive part of the trip to help her become more comfortable, but she refuses, leading to a disagreement about driving responsibilities.

Read the full story below and share your thoughts.

‘ AITA For refusing to drive to my wife’s monthly family get together?’

My wife (33F) and I (35M) have been married for 3 years. Her family is very tight-knit and every month they have a family get together at my wife’s parent’s house. It is always on Sundays because my wife’s siblings have kids and they all have activities on Saturdays, so Sunday is the only free day everyone has.

They live a 3-hour drive from us. We always make a day-trip because obviously we have to work on Monday. Needless to say, it’s a lot of driving in one day.

The get together is usually just a nice meal and some games, nothing too fancy or crazy. I like her family and enjoy hanging out with them, but there have been times when I don’t feel like going and there’s no hard feelings about not attending.

The problem is, that if I don’t attend, my wife doesn’t attend. She is a very anxious driver, especially on freeways and highways where aggressive drivers and semi-trucks tend to be more common. She’s never been in an accident or anything like that, she just doesn’t feel comfortable driving long distances on freeways with speeding cars, it freaks her out.

So if I don’t go, she won’t drive herself there. There also isn’t anyone else from her family that lives nearby could come pick her up without adding at least 2 hours to their drive.

Last month we didn’t attend because I had just gotten back from a work trip and wanted to use that weekend to relax at home. My wife and in-laws understood. This month’s get together is this coming Sunday. My wife is adamant that we attend this one because we missed the last one. I told her I will go, but she is going to have to drive at least one leg of the trip, I don’t want to be driving for 6 hours like every other time.

This started a fight because she said I know how much she hates driving on freeways and that’s too far of a drive for her to keep from freaking out. I told her that if she wants to keep driving 6 hours in a day to see her family every month, then she’s going to need to start driving at least half of it because I’m tired of doing all that driving by myself.

I told her that I will be with her in the car and will be a good co-pilot to keep her calm and focused. Unlike when I drive and she buries her face in her phone for 2/3 of the drive. I told her we can take it slow and easy and it will be good practice for her to become more comfortable with that type of driving.

She is not agreeing to this and is insisting that I drive like every other time because of her anxiety about it. I am refusing to budge and told her that this is something for her family so she needs to start putting in at least some effort to make it happen. She thinks I am being a j**k about it and not taking her feelings into consideration and being dismissive of her anxiety.

We have not come to an agreement on this yet, but I really don’t want to give in. Driving 6 hours in a day can be exhausting and I’m tired of being the only one to do it. Especially when it’s every month.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Samael13 −  NTA – Honestly, I think you’re approaching it very fairly. 6 hours of driving is definitely a lot. It’s not fair of her to expect you to bear that entire burden every time to visit her family without driving at least part of the distance, and you pointing out that you’ll be there supporting her as copilot is the right approach.I can understand how anxiety makes driving scary/hard for some people, but also, it’s really not fair to expect you to be the only one making the sacrifice here.

(That said: have you guys considered maybe going on Saturday even if most of the rest of the family isn’t available, and just entertaining yourselves that day or visiting with the family that aren’t busy? It might make for a more relaxing experience for both of you if you’re not cramming the driving into a single day. It might depend on if her family has a place to put you up or if you can get a hotel/motel/air bnb nearby, but, still, an option).)

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Maybe you’re being dismissive of her anxiety but she’s also being dismissive of yours. A monthly six-hour roundtrip sounds *exhausting*. It seems like you’ve been a champ about it thus far. You’ll eventually have to come to a long-term compromise, though.

Agree you’ll only go every other month from now on or something like. It seems like there has been some resentment bubbling about this for a while and figuring out only what to do for *this* particular trip will only be a band-aid.

jacksonlove3 −  NTA and this sounds like a reasonable compromise! Her anxiety is *her* issue to deal with. Therapy if needed. She’s choosing not to deal with it or even attempt to try to overcome it. Giving her experience driving on the highway with you with her could be a good way for her to build more confidence and comfort in herself. 6 hours is a lot of driving for one person in a day.

[Reddit User] −  NTA – A six hour drive every month is ridiculous and absurd. I think this behavior borders really close to weaponized incompetence.

erinloveslager −  NTA. It is very normal to take turns driving on long drives. Plus, driving on a freeway is just a normal part of operating a car—if she challenges herself to do it she’ll get a lot more comfortable. I understand anxiety is a b**ch, but this particular anxiety towards freeway driving “has” to be impacting her life, and it is obviously impacting yours. She needs to grow up and find ways to get over it.

NaryaGenesis −  NTA. If it’s this bad, then she needs therapy. If she’s already in therapy and no progress, time for a psychiatrist and a switch in therapists. Her refusal to do anything to help/change for HER family’s sake isn’t a YOU issue. It’s a HER issue.

You’re right. At least half the drive should be her responsibility, or you’re both staying home 🤷🏻‍♀️

jackofslayers −  NTA – your wife needs to learn how to drive. She is not a child.

Smarterthntheavgbear −  “What would she do if you weren’t there?”. A full day with the ILs PLUS driving six hours for the privilege? It seems that you have been extremely accommodating to your wife.

You could offer a full weekend every THREE MONTHS, and suggest your wife host the family on one of the alternate months–leaving one full weekend, every 3 months, for the two of you. Assuming her family wants to see her as much as she wants to see them, they could make the sacrifice 4 times per year.. NTA

Ok-Classic8323 −  NTA. 6 hours is a bloody long drive. I don’t blame you for wanting to share the driving. Is there not a Bus or a train she could take?

BogBabe −  NTA. If all of the driving falls to you, then you go only when *you* want to go. When you don’t feel up to making that drive, you’re free to not go. Your wife’s anxiety about driving is hers to deal with — and it’s entirely your wife’s decision whether she elects to go without you or stay home.

That much driving every single month sounds exhausting, and I certainly would not be making that drive every month. You’re not your wife’s indentured servant who has to make a six-hour drive just because she wants to go somewhere.

Should the husband continue to shoulder the entire driving responsibility, or is it time for his wife to face her fears and contribute? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!