AITA for leaving my kids with their other parents to pursue my Masters?

A parent with three children is considering pursuing a Master’s degree that requires four months away for coursework. The parent has the support of the twins’ father and a partner to help manage expenses, but the oldest child’s family is upset about the arrangement.

The parent has discussed the situation with the son, who seems to understand the decision. The parent acknowledges past parenting challenges but has maintained a strong relationship with their children. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for leaving my kids with their other parents to pursue my Masters?’

I have three kids. Twins (7f) from one parent and my oldest (13m) with another. All parents are generally very engaged and the normal arrangement is 50/50 with no child support. My oldest is on the spectrum and just entered high school. He had a bad last year of elementary but has started off this year with lots of enthusiasm and positive energy.

He is very bright and high functioning. I got an opportunity last year to have my Masters degree paid for based on some research I’ve been pursuing through our local academic institution. It’s 2 years worth of a modest income for me but requires 4 months away for the coursework.

My twins’ dad is wholeheartedly supportive, offering to bring them down for a visit or otherwise facilitate that happening. I have someone to watch my dogs and my house. I have a partner who will be helping me meet the expenses of keeping up two households. But my oldest son’s family is very upset.

My son’s parent is married and they have two children younger than the twins. They have grandparents in town who regularly help them with all the kids including a highly involved grandma. I’ve talked to my son about this and the reasons why I believe it’s important for me to go away and he seems to understand.

We have a good relationship and I think we have a deep understanding of each other. Admittedly I haven’t always been the best parent. I was young when I had my son and took a couple of years to figure out life but I’ve always been present and done my best to take care of him.

I should also mention that one of my twins was sick at 2 years old and required medical care out of our region (10 months away). Am I the A**hole for wanting to go?

Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:

Cogito3 −  NAH. I think this is a complicated situation and I don’t feel comfortable judging anyone, especially without knowing exactly what your son’s family said to you or what their circumstances are. I don’t think 4 months away is an unreasonable ask, especially when the kid is already in high school.

So I think it’s fine to insist on wanting to go. What I would recommend is trying to find a compromise with his family given that. For example, perhaps you could promise to take care of him yourself for 4 months sometime in the future? That would maintain the 50/50 agreement and allow his family some extra breathing room.

That’s the kind of route I would look to go down, because it is important for you to maintain a healthy relationship with them. (I also don’t think this subreddit is a great place to ask for advice on such a complicated issue but that’s another story lol.)

DutchDaddy85 −  NTA. It’s just 4 months, so no, you are absolutely in no way TA for **wanting** to go. However, at the same time, you cannot expect your eldest son’s other parent to be happy about this, or even agree to it. A custody schedule is a custody schedule, and you cannot unilaterally decide to change that.

If they don’t want to have him ‘fulltime’ for 4 months, they have that right, and then you’ll need to come up with a different solution (like staying with your partner) for that time, because a 50/50 arrangement means you have to come up with arrangements for where he’ll be in that time.

issy_haatin −  So… let me get this straight. You’ve bailed on your eldest for at the least a couple years, then had your twins, and bailed again for 10 months. And now you are going to bail for another 4 months?. Yeah YTA. You don’t get to pick and choose when your kids are ‘convenient’.

The parent of the 13y old already did more than 50% and now you want to bring them to 100%. Combined with yet again the dissapointment of a parent bailing on them again and the possible difficult time and therapy sessions. Sure the kid says it’s ‘fine’, because of course he doesn’t want to dissapoint you. Frankly if it’s like that they should file for full custody and have you pay child support.

Ecnorian −  As you can see by the comments, the consensus is mixed. The reason this is is because there is value, as you know, in your education. Both for you and your children’s future. The sad reality though is that life isn’t fair and you’ve encountered one of those unfair life scenarios. Sadly it is not entirely up to you.

Despite what anybody here thinks, outside of morals and values there is also legalities. If your older child’s parent is not on board, for whatever the reason, it may just not be in your cards to pursue an education in this manner. You might have to find another way, even if it means it will take longer.

NTA for wanting better for you and by proxy your kids in the long run, however YTA for not understanding that you can ask but you may not get to choose. Im sorry.

Swirlyflurry −  YTA – not for “wanting” to go, but for expecting your kids’ parents to just jump on board with it. Expecting them to put things aside for *you* (especially at the expense of your kids) is where the AHlery comes in. If you can find accommodation for your kids for those 4 months, great. If not, it’s not the other parents’ fault.

Shortandthicck2 −  YTA – you have a trail of broken relationships and fragmented parenting. Children need their parents. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue a masters, I’m just saying maybe now isn’t the time or there needs to be another way, where you stay in their lives daily. Their growth is priority #1.

O4243G −  INFO: if you have a 50/50 split currently are you going pay child support for the 4 months that the other parent is 100% responsible for the child?

[Reddit User] −  YTA. You have 50/50 split with your oldest parent with no child support, and you expect that you will just drop the kid on them full time? So what that they have grandparents, you’re the mother and you have joint custody. Sure it would be nice if your ex agreed, but he doesn’t want to and that’s his right. 

mlc885 −  YTA. Nobody abandons their kids to go back to school. Admittedly I haven’t always been the best parent. So…

lordmwahaha −  You know, most single parents who go back to school just… do school *while* they have their kids. I’ve not met *one* who felt the need to ditch their kids for the entire study period. So I feel like this is a YTA, because I don’t understand why this is necessary.

Honestly just feels like you’re inconveniencing everyone else because it’s more convenient for *you* to not have to think about more than one responsibility at a time. Like literally everyone else does. I wouldn’t think you were TA if everyone was actually okay with it, but someone clearly isn’t and you’re still pushing for it.

Is it reasonable for the parent to prioritize their education, considering the family support in place? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!