AITA? Refused to help my (privileged) wife cover her increased cost of living?

A Redditor shares a dilemma about his refusal to help his wife cover her increased cost of living, despite her privileged background and financial support from her wealthy parents. He explains their shared expenses and her struggles with finding a stable job, but he believes she needs to be less picky about work. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA? Refused to help my (privileged) wife cover her increased cost of living?’

So I (M39) am married to the love of my life (F36). We have two sweet kids, ages 5 and 9, and we all live in a house in a nice small typical Scandinavian town. Our economy is mostly shared – more on this in a bit. I’m an engineer, working as consultant. Great pay and benefits. I make more than I spend.

My wife has a masters degree in human communication – a horribly useless degree, even according to herself. Since graduating something like 8 years ago, she has been unable to find a job in her field. Note: Those 8 years does include her second pregnancy and maternity leave. Here is the thing. My wife has very wealthy parents (like no-financial-worries-at-all wealthy).

Thanks to them, her share of our house was gifted to her (I still pay mortgage on my share). They gifted her a brand new car (I drive my own). Each Christmas, they gift her $20.000 – her, not me. Besides that yearly gift, she has more or less been without income for most of her adult life, including when she attended university. She did hold a few odd jobs here and there.

We share all family related expenses (utilities, food, insurances, vacations, kids stuff and so on) through a shared account – 50/50. Besides that, we have our own accounts. But many purchases goes toward the family/house/kids anyway, so its not like air tight. You know how it is. My wife recently got a part time job (15-20 hours/week) in a clothing store.

Pay is terrible, hours are weird and she doesn’t get along with the owner. Therefore, she is considering quitting. I’m telling her to go ahead, but also that even a bad job pays better than no job. In my opinion, she is a little picky with jobs. Won’t do cleaning, elderly care and other stuff like that, despite those being jobs she is able to get without any qualifications.

She keeps applying for jobs in her own field, but so far without any luck besides a couple of first round interviews. The market is VERY limited. Because of increased cost of living (you all know the story), her yearly gift and small paycheck doesn’t quite cut it anymore. She tells me that she is barely making ends meet.

Therefore, she has asked me to help her out, by paying a larger share of our shared expenses.. I basically said no. I told her that not many people are as privileged as her and that she really should be less picky – or even consider requalification (new education and/or field of work).

I felt bad telling her, but also needed to be honest with her. I could help her out, but that just doesn’t sit right with me, all things considered. So now of course, according to her, I’m an a**hole. But am I?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

coffeemom23 −  ESH. I’ll probably get downvoted, but this is why having separate finances in marriage is a really, really bad idea. You guys are married, you have kids, you’re meant to be a team. It’s absurd that you’ve been paying a mortgage payment on ‘your half’ of the house, and that she keeps $20k annual gift to herself.

It’s also absurd that you have a great job, she’s working a very low-wage job, and you expect to keep splitting things 50/50 like you’re roommates. ‘Helping her out’ doesn’t ‘sit right’ with you because you’ve been treating each other badly for so long. This whole arrangement needs an overhaul, and apologies from both of you.. edit: wow, thanks for the awards!

Mikey3800 −  NTA, but you said your wife’s parents are wealthy. They will not live forever. If your wife inherits their money when they pass, are you going to be willing to accept it if your wife tells you that you still have to pay your half of everything on your own? Will you be ok if she takes a vacation and you can’t afford to go because your half costs more than you can afford?

Primary-Criticism929 −  ESH. This is a weird situation. You’re married. You’re supposed to be a team, partners. And yet, you’re the only paying for the mortgage on the house, and you expect her to pay half of everything despite the fact that she probably only get a low paying job like cleaning or taking care of ederly people.

As a married couple, you should be living with what you can earn yourselves and not above your means. I don’t get how you both let things got that far. You two need to sit down and make some serious changes to the way you’ve been living your lives. Do you even still love her and want to be married to her ?

Ronnie__Hotdog −  So what… you’re “teaching your wife a life-lesson”. Sounds a bit patronising. Also, if (as sounds like the case) your wife did the majority of the child care, that’s a large part of the reason you are now “earning more than you spend”. I think the general idea is that you’re meant to love your wife more than your bank-balance.. YTA

KittiesLove1 −  Your wife is a homemaker who came with a stipend, and you’re counting pennies with her? You should be ahamed. Sounds like the only reason having your kids hasn’t sent her stright to poverty is her rich parents.

Good on them. You haven’t given her a house, not even a quarter of one, you aren’t supporting her, you haven’t given her a car. While she’s giving borth to and raising your kids, having to rely on her parents. And you still find something to complain about?? YTA big time.

WestCoastValleyGirl −  Good luck with the divorce, should be pretty easy since you have basically already lived your life 50/50. This is not a marriage, it’s a roommate situation.

Artsy_Fartsy_Fox −  YTA. Your actions do not say that you love your wife. You sound jealous that she has help from her parents (which granted is a privilege few have). However, 20,000 is very low for a whole year.

I don’t blame her for wanting to keep it especially since she was taking care of your children (which IS a full time job!). Further you belittle her over her career. If you are doing fine and her parents are giving her money why should she have to take back breaking labor like elderly care? It’s commonly called a terrible job.

Further I worked retail for 10 years and let me tell you I’ll never deal with another customer if I can help it! Those low paying jobs are often riddled with mental abuse and a lot of grueling physical labor. Right now, as many pointed out, you are treating your life partner as a roommate.

You are not poor, and you are in a tough situation. It sounds in fact like you have a lot of unfair ideas that your wife should have to suffer in some way because she comes from wealth.

stayonthecloud −  YTA because of the way you belittle her education. I may not be quite understanding what you mean, but if she has a communications degree that’s a highly marketable degree depending how she uses it. Regardless, don’t say a**hole things about the love of your life.

Leynner −  ESH, but mostly YTA tbh. She have been having a hard time finding a job since after your child was born, and her working area is limited and hard to find jobs, so you knew about that before you married her and before you got her pregnant.

She is taking the worst part of the situation since you want her to pay 50/50 even though you made the situation getting harder for her you got her pregnant twice and blames her for not finding a job in her field knowing pretty well about her work situation.

Also it seems that your wife coming from a wealthy family is annoying to you. You seem to want to see her “suffering” to be a common person. Is it some sort of insecurity because she is from a wealthy background while you are not?

Remember that the worry free lifestyle you are having is also thanks to her parents, not everyone have rich parents in law that help woth paying a house and helping with your economic situation even though you seem to believe they are just helping your wife, no they are helping you two and your children.

You are also privileged and don’t seem to acknowledge that. If your wife didn’t have wealthy parents you wouldn’t have such carefree life as you are having. You would have to pay 100% of your expenses in your house since she lost her job and got pregnant twice. Yeah I changed my mind you are definitely the AH here.

Peanutsandcheese2021 −  Wow your relationship is that transactional ???? Wow

Do you think the husband’s refusal to help was justified, considering his wife’s financial situation and opportunities? Or should he have been more understanding about the increased cost of living? Share your thoughts below!