WIBTA if I returned my parents grad gift to them?

A Reddit user shared her internal dilemma after receiving a Starbucks gift card as a graduation present from her parents, despite her dislike for coffee, tea, and Starbucks itself. She suspects the gift was simply something her parents had lying around, making her feel hurt by their lack of thoughtfulness.

Now, she’s considering returning the gift card to them, but worries this might come across as ungrateful or vindictive. Read the full story below to understand her perspective.

‘ WIBTA if I returned my parents grad gift to them?’

I (22F) graduated from college last May and received a $25 Starbucks gift card from my parents (both 60) as a graduation gift. Now, I’m not someone who needs a huge gift or anything, but this hurt my feelings for other reasons.

Firstly, though my parents don’t care about this, I’ve been participating in the Starbucks boycott for months now (this has been incredibly easy for me for reasons that will become obvious). Secondly, even if I wasn’t boycotting, I still wouldn’t use the gift card. I don’t like coffee or tea. I have never liked coffee or tea.

This is something my parents know as I repeat it often when they ask if I want anything or to try their drink. I know that Starbucks sells food, but I honestly don’t even like their food offerings that much, either. Especially not enough to go out of my way to get them. Lastly, my dad bought a bunch of gift cards from Starbucks for his company this past winter as part of a little raffle thing.

I’m almost certain my parents gave me this gift card not because they went out of their way to get me something, but because they had it lying around. To be honest, that almost hurts more because it shows it wasn’t even “special”, it was just convenient.

It’s now been over four months and I still haven’t used the gift card and have no plans to. Here’s where I venture in AH territory. They don’t even know how I feel about this. They sent it to me in a card and technically don’t even have confirmation I received it. If I give it back to them (my dad goes to Starbucks like every other day so he would certainly use it), I know they’ll ask where I got it.

I see no point in lying to them, and I’d just tell them it was their graduation gift to me. As far as I can remember, and I’ve racked my brain, this was their only grad gift to me so it wasn’t a part of something larger.

I want to reiterate again that I don’t expect a lavish gift, but it hurt my feelings to see how little thought my parents put into something for me. A s**fish part of me wants them to know it hurt me and wants to hurt them back. WITBA if I gave it back to them?

EDIT FOR CLARITY: I’ve gotten a few comments about this so I wanna address it in the post! My parents paid for my tuition and I paid for rent, groceries, etc. I did NOT expect ANY graduation gift. I would’ve been happy with nothing more than my tuition paid.

The part that hurt me was that they gave me a gift without thinking about if it was actually something I’d want or just because they felt obligated to gift me something. It made me feel more like an obligation than a daughter. I mentioned it wasn’t part of something larger in reference to it wasn‘t like a part one of two gifts or something in case people asked.

Clearly I anticipated the wrong question haha! I’ll add more information as people request it and I’ve appreciated everyone’s inputs, regardless if they’ve called me ungrateful or if they know what it’s like to have parents who just don’t care as much as you wished they did. Thanks all!

2ND EDIT: This isn’t about the gift and whether it was a “good one” but how to deal with the fact that it shows my parents don’t know me as a person and don’t seem to care to learn. I’ll reiterate that I never expected a gift, but the gift card symbolizes to me that they just have no clue who their kid is.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

prairiemountainzen −  NTA. Give it to *both* of them at Christmas and let that be their one and only gift from you.

ShannyGasm −  Reminds me of the time my parents gave me a gift certificate to Omaha Steak Co for Christmas, when they knew I was vegan at the time. So I, in turn, gave them a gift certificate for something equally useless to them for their anniversary. We never talked about it, and a gift so thoughtless never happened again. I never did use the gift certificate.

EmceeSuzy −  YWBTA for broaching the topic that way. Your parents gave you a thoughtless, very cheap gift to mark a significant accomplishment. That is hurtful. I think it’s important for you to get more in touch with how you feel about that.

Rather than the details of how they got it or how they should know you would not want it, please sit with the uncomfortable feeling this gift elicits.
When you understand how you feel, you need to make a choice. Is this something that you want to address with them knowing the likely outcome of that conversation or is this something that you will be happier setting aside.

If you’re going to talk about it, you need to be honest but gentle. A conversation is far more productive than a confrontation. However, even if you manage the conversation very well it is not likely that they will hear you, take in the message, and express respectful regret.

More likely, they will minimize the issue or even get angry about it. That doesn’t mean that the conversation might not be the best thing for you, I just think you should go in with reasonable expectations.

You also could choose to say nothing and do nothing about the gift card. In that case, you can still use this experience to inform the level of contact and interaction you’re going to have with your parents.

Returning the gift card is just not a great choice. It is childish and doesn’t really help you make progress. That said you can regift the card back to your Dad on the next gift-giving occasion. He won’t ask you where you got it then or if he does you can just tell a white lie.

And I want to mention that I take a very dim view of people who expect lavish gifts and look down on thoughtful inexpensive gifts. That is not what happened here and you should not feel like you have to explain yourself.

The dollar value of this gift card is insultingly low and it is for a product that they know you do not enjoy. Even if your parents are in the midst of a devastating financial crisis, it is a horrible gift. A letter of congratulations would have been far better if they can’t afford a gift.

mom_in_the_garden −  You are overthinking. Thank your parents politely and give the card to a homeless person. Give them Starbucks cards of equal value for their birthdays. Low cost, no stress. We don’t have the whole story. Either they are thoughtless in which case they are the assholes, or broke after paying your tuition, in which case YTA.

Cdub7791 −  YWBTA. Just give the card to some third party, or throw it in a drawer and forget it existed. Sorry you didn’t get a more thoughtful present, but that’s how life is sometimes.

BeesInMyMouth27 −  How can you boycott somewhere if you were never a customer to begin with you sausage

starrytexas −  Here’s my take. It all depends on if they paid for your college experience and did YOU ever express gratitude for that. I know I paid for all of my children’s college expenses and living costs etc. All of my kids graduated 100% debt free and with a fully paid for car. It was a great sacrifice for us as parents. We put off making repairs to the house, and went without even basic things like new clothes etc.

If anyone saw me walking down the street they would think I was homeless perhaps since I am dressed so shabbily. But this was our choice and it gave us great joy to give this gift to our children to be able to start their lives debt free. My kids also express gratitude for this.

I also did not buy them a graduation gift. The gift was the education. I don’t feel bad one minute for not giving a gift. I gave them the gift that keeps on giving so to speak. If OP’s parents paid for her entire college experience and she never said thank you to them then she got what she deserved.
If she actually paid her own way then her parents are the AH.

Worth-Season3645 −  NTA…Give it as a Christmas gift. Where you gut it? Why, at Starbucks dad. I know you frequent there.

StAlvis −  ESH. It’s now been over four months. And you’re **still** thinking about it? Your time to make a stink about this was four months ago.
I’ve been participating in the Starbucks boycott for months now. I don’t like coffee or tea. I have never liked coffee or tea. I do not think “boycott” means what you think it means. You just don’t patronize Starbucks.

anotherintro −  You should edit this to add that they paid for your college tuition, which for a lot of people would be the lavish “gift.” In your comments you also mentioned that you were cleaning your room and now remember the gift cards; if it wasn’t worth broaching when you originally received your gift it’s certainly a weird flex now.

If you take the advice of redditors telling you to give the morally objectionable gift card during the holidays or Father’s Day, please be prepared to have a conversation about that tuition that you omitted in the actual post when it comes to discussions of gratitude. YTA.