AITAH for explaining to my obese SIL why I’m not fat?

A Redditor shared a situation where he explained to his sister-in-law why he could indulge in a large meal without gaining weight, while she, who is obese, could not. His explanation, though factually correct, left her upset and caused tension in the family. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for explaining to my obese SIL why I’m not fat?’

Quick context, I used to be fat, but lost about 100lbs a few years ago. Got into fitness and generally watch what I eat, but like to indulge every once in a while (a bit disordered in the past, but have a handle on it now). Recently we had a birthday in the family so we went to a local restaurant to celebrate.

Just so happens they have a burger challenge ($40, free if you finish in 60min, about 5lbs including sides), which I got (and quite easily finished tbh) because I felt I had been quite good with my nutrition for some time, and I’m not particularly looking to cut more fat right now. Even ordered dessert after, mostly for comedic effect, but still.

The whole time I was eating, I noticed my SIL, who is quite obese, giving me strange, almost disgusted looks. While I enjoyed my dessert, my brother said something like “I can’t believe you finished all that, and are still eating” (with a smile, in a sort of impressed way), to which his wife, said SIL, added “yeah, I wish I could eat like that, but my genetics won’t let me”.

I put down the fork and said “I can eat like this sometimes, because 95% of the time I don’t, while you have small indulgences every day, which piles up. Has nothing to do with genetics; it’s your choices”. She got quiet and actually shed a tear at the table – which did of course make me feel bad.

But she and my brother have now been ignoring me, and my sister actually told me I shouldn’t have said it and apologize. I would do so, for hurting her feelings, but what I said was just factually correct. So am I the a**hole?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Powerful_Caramel6829 −  I can eat like this sometimes, because 95% of the time I don’t, If you had stopped here on focused on how you actually lost weight you wouldn’t be the a**hole. Instead you turned it around back on her and her choices which was kinda uncalled for. She should not have made that comment about you though.

strawcat −  YTA. If you had left it at “I only eat like this on occasion” it would have been fine. You’re an a**hole because you felt the need to weigh in on why she’s fat.

Judgeeeyes −  Obese person here. NTA. Any comment that starts with, “Must be nice…” Should probably just not be said. This comment was woe is me and attention seeking. She shouldn’t have opened the door to the conversation if she couldn’t handle a logical response. By her saying this, it was assumed that genetics are just on your side, totally devaluing any work on your part to maintain a healthy weight.

It’s a slap in the face when she knows what you’ve done to lose weight, and the choices you’ve made since then to keep the weight off. She could’ve been cheering you on for beating the challenge and avoided the lonely tear by not turning the dinner into her pity party.

ssddalways −  Not going to make a verdict but I’m honestly sick of people who are on the receiving end of comments having to always be the bigger person!! Sure you could have been nicer but honestly as someone who was slimmer and always had people thinking it was OK to make s**tty comments but you aren’t allowed to do same, I get it.
Her insecurities aren’t your fault nor problem but next time maybe just tell her to quit commenting and making faces if she doesn’t like it when people do it to her.

jobrummy −  I’m gonna be the odd one out and go more for ESH but I really wanna say N T A because as someone who is overweight and has been overweight for a good amount of time, I would NEVER open my mouth and say to someone, “I can’t believe you ate all that and are still eating,” AT A RESTAURANT.

Who the actual *f**k* do you think you are? I would have not caused a scene, I would have caused a Broadway *musical*! I wouldn’t give a damn about how she supposedly intended it.

That s**t is embarrassing, and I wouldn’t give a damn *what* she meant by that, sometimes you keep your mouth shut, and this is one of those times. Cause when you go low, I go to hell and she really would have been crying.

drock_1983 −  I just told my sister this same thing. She’s 500+lbs and can’t walk well or even bend her knees. She commented that I had lost some weight and I told her I cut out all the junk and started really paying attention to what I was eating and planning meals.

She said “I eat salads everyday.” To which I replied, “followed by a box of Nutter Butters.” She got mad at me and said I was rude. Well sis, truth hurts. I was 280lbs in January and am down to 250 now and plan to lose another 30 by Christmas, and the only thing I have changed is my diet.

Not really any additional exercise besides work and walking the dog/summer activities. Just less junk. Sometimes the truth hurts, but those of us that care are willing to tell it.

IanFoxOfficial −  NTA. F**k everyone who’s calling you an a**hole. As a fat f**k myself I applaud you. I know I’m fat because I can’t control myself around food and my portions are too big as well. You shouldn’t sugar-coat bad news to fat people.

They need to cut back on it. I hate this new “body positivity” thing where you aren’t allowed to be blunt about it anymore. F**k that s**t. I’m fat because I eat too much and exorcise too little and it’s no one else’s fault but mine.

[Reddit User] −  YTA you didn’t explain why you aren’t fat, you told her why you **think** she’s fat – that’s an AH move. Many people struggle with weight loss and don’t have “daily indulgences”. They have slow metabolism(genetic), other comorbidities (some genetic), and life priorities – it’s fantastic you can make diet and weight loss your top, not every else can.

You sound very childish, age and hormones also effects weight loss. Edit – kind of ridiculous to compare your weight loss journey as a testosterone producer, to an estrogen producer. Estrogen encourages fat retention.

Organic-Date −  If only you would have kept “you” and “your” out of there you would be golden but you made it about them unfortunately :/ really proud of your journey and habits tho!. Huge congrats!

MontanaWildWiman −  YTA for the way you worded it. She did make a crappy comment, but what you said was definitely a slap in the face JUST with how it was worded. You just reinforced the self abuse and self blame which i dont need to explain to you.

In the future please be more encouraging and educational…. eg “I was 100lbs heavier a couple years ago, and figured out if i worked out (this way), and cut back on my calories, i found the way to drop that weight.

Its not genetics, or magic pills… its just burning the calories faster than i take them in.” … make it about HOW you did it, because you DO deserve to toot your horn over an amazing journey like you have done. It also reduces the perceived accusations she would have felt.

Do you think the OP was right to explain his eating habits in this way, or was there a more tactful approach he could have taken? How would you navigate this delicate conversation about food, health, and feelings? Share your thoughts below!