AITAH for telling my friend that being settled for isn’t the worst thing in the world?
A Redditor confides about a deep conversation with her friend Anna, who questioned why anyone would settle in a relationship. The OP shared that her own husband “settled” for her, even though he wasn’t attracted to her, but they still have a happy marriage. This revelation was overheard by her husband, leading to an emotional reaction that the OP didn’t anticipate. Read the full story below.
‘ AITAH for telling my friend that being settled for isn’t the worst thing in the world?’
My friend Anna and I were talking about her dating life. Anna is an incredibly beautiful woman and she could have her pick of men. She broke up with her boyfriend because she was out of his league and he knew it. He would act in insecure ways. Anna stated that she didn’t want to settle for someone less than the best.
She asked me why would anyone settle and brought up my marriage as a positive example of love. I told her that my husband settled for me and he wasn’t attracted to me and we still had a happy marriage. Being settled for isn’t the worst thing in the world. My husband Allan and I are happily married high school sweethearts.
He was heavily bullied in middle and high school. When I moved into his hometown in sophomore year, I stood up for him. By the end of senior year, he had friends and he asked me to prom. 10 years later, we are happily married. However, I know that my husband doesn’t find me attractive.
I’m naturally taller and more muscular than the average woman. It’s a huge insecurity of mine. A year after we married, my husband drunkenly confessed that he didn’t find me attractive (he prefers petite women with delicate facial features) but he was grateful for what I did and felt obliged to thank me.
Which is why he asked me out to prom, why we dated throughout college, why he proposed. He still loved me very much but wasn’t attracted to me. The next morning he was hungover and had forgotten his confession. He doesn’t drink much because he doesn’t have a filter and tells the unvarnished truth.
I felt crushed but our marriage was very good otherwise. I never told him what he said that night. He was a great husband. I don’t think most men are attracted to the way I look anyways. I explained this all to Anna and she was grateful for the advice. That night, Allan started crying. He was crying silently but I woke up.
I hugged him and asked what was wrong and he admitted he overheard our conversation. I didn’t expect him to overhear since I was in the basement but he heard his name and decided to listen in. I apologized for hurting his feelings but it just made him sob harder. I don’t know what I did wrong/if I did anything wrong? AITA?
Edit: I wasn’t advising Anna to settle. She would never be happy settling for someone. I just told her that settling isn’t the worst thing in the world and my marriage is one of settlement. My husband settled for me and we’re happy. My advice was to stay true to herself and her beliefs. If she’s not happy, then the relationship can’t move forward.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
standard5891 − NTA but you need to talk to your husband about this. Either he is really struggling with guilt about his confession or is really triggering with unhappiness in the relationship, and either way you two need to talk about it. Also whew you are a saint for dealing with that confession so gracefully.
Honest-Complex-4150 − I don’t think you are the a**hole in this absolutely not in anyway. But I am curious if your husband ended up talking to you about it?
No_Pop_7924 − It sounds like he thinks you think you settled for a guy who doesn’t find you attractive. Like he broke both your hearts.
Dextergrayson − Absolutely not the ah but you seem to think less of yourself than you should. You keep mentioning you’re grateful he even wants to be married because you’re not conventionally beautiful, do I understand that correctly? A marriage is much more than physical attraction, people have so much more worth than just their looks?
He must be happy with you as a life partner, as you are with him. Perhaps after overhearing you he realized how little you value yourself because of what he said and feels terrible? Couples therapy or at least a lot of open conversation seems warranted… you both seem good people, i hope you work it out
MinnieShoof − but he was grateful for what I did and felt **obliged to thank me**. Which is why he asked me out to prom, why we dated throughout college, why he proposed. Oooooooof. You know, I could stand the idea of being in love with someone who didn’t find me attractive. Completely understand that. … but the way it’s said, it sounds like a debt he’s paying off. I was expecting the other shoe to drop and for him to say “… but then I fell in love” but … oof. I wish y’all the best.
WhyAmIStillHere86 − NTA, but I strongly suggest couples therapy. There’s nothing wrong with settling of you’re both on the same page. I know people who are friends who married for tax and immigration benefits, and they’re happy. There’s also nothing wrong with holding put for a relationship that values you, or with dumping an insecure j**k.
lowkeyhobi − I hope Anna did not take your advice. Cause huh? This man admitted he felt obligated to ask you out and pretty much settled on dating/marrying you and then you apologized to him.
Aggravating-Fudge794 − Holy smokes. This was a hard read. If I heard these words coming out of my husband’s mouth I would be heartbroken. We knew each other for a long time before we started dating and have been married for a long time as well. Yeah we’re both older but that attraction has never changed. If anything to more so.
I find the silver in his hair wildly sexy. And he has told me I get better with age (I’m lucky as hell for him saying that and meaning it) I don’t know your relationship and will not judge. It just seems to me that partners should never have to settle, because of…anything. I don’t mean for my opinion to hurt you in any way.
JagZilla_s − NTA, he is crying because he wants you to feel wanted and he feels like he failed that by drunkenly spilling the beans.
Psychological_You353 − Op why are u not thinking about yourself a little more I mean all u keep saying is that I love my husband an iam not worthy of his love just stop an think for a minute he is dam lucky to have u an please repeat this many times a day
Was it insensitive for the OP to describe her marriage in this way to her friend, even though it was meant as advice? Or was it simply an unfortunate misunderstanding that went too far? Should she have handled this differently? Share your thoughts below!
