AITAH for choosing to do IVF as a single woman despite my friend saying it’s “unfair” to the child?

A Redditor shares their journey toward motherhood, deciding to pursue IVF as a single woman after a previous relationship ended. While feeling financially secure and ready for this next step, the Redditor’s best friend, Megan, expressed concerns about the decision, labeling it “unfair” to the child for growing up without a father.

The disagreement left the Redditor feeling hurt and questioning whether they dismissed their friend’s concerns too quickly. Read the original story below to explore the dynamics of this situation.

‘ AITAH for choosing to do IVF as a single woman despite my friend saying it’s “unfair” to the child?’

I (32F) have always wanted to be a mom, but after my last serious relationship ended, I decided to go the IVF route and become a single mother. I’ve got a stable job, a good support system, and I’m financially secure, so I felt ready to take this step. My best friend Megan (31F) has always been supportive of me in general, but when I told her I was going through with IVF, her reaction was… not great.

Megan said she was “concerned” that I was choosing to have a child without a father in the picture, and that it’s “unfair” to the baby. She said it would be “hard enough” for the child to grow up as a Black kid in our society (I am Black, Megan is White), and being raised by a single mom would make it even harder.

She also suggested that I was being “s**fish” for putting my own desire to have a baby over what’s “best” for the child, which, in her view, is a traditional two-parent household. I was pretty shocked because Megan has always been open-minded, or so I thought.

I reminded her that plenty of kids are raised by single moms and do just fine, and that I’m more than capable of providing a loving, stable home. But she doubled down, saying it wasn’t just about money—it’s about “family structure” and “setting a kid up for success.” It really hurt to hear her say these things, especially because I thought she’d be happy for me.

We haven’t spoken much since the argument, but now I’m wondering if maybe I was too harsh by dismissing her concerns so quickly. Some other friends think she was just trying to look out for me, but I feel like she was being judgmental and out of line. AITAH for going ahead with IVF despite my friend’s objections, and for not taking her concerns more seriously?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

floofnstoof −  If she’s always been a good friend to you, I’d give her the benefit of doubt. Best friends are sometimes the only people who care enough to bring up concerns you dont necessarily want to hear when you’re looking for validation and support .

This might be something she genuinely believes in and she might be truly concerned about you and the potential baby. Of course, this doesn’t make her right or that you shouldn’t proceed with it. A good friend will lay out their concerns but ultimately support you so perhaps she will come around.

UnluckyCountry2784 −  This is a legit question. But if people wants to have kids as a single, what are the plans like just in case you get sick or die? Does the immediate family welcome the possibility of being the guardian and support the kid?

Alarming_Paper_8357 −  She’s your best friend, right? Don’t you expect her to be honest with you regarding her views and concerns or do you consider friendship a constant stream of blowing smoke up each other’s a\*\* to support whatever idea is under consideration?

In her mind, out of her love for you, she’s laying out concerns that she’s afraid you may not have thought through while making an emotional decision. Just because she has a different opinion doesn’t mean she won’t be supportive.

If you are sincere about this, her opinion is insignificant and has no bearing on your decision. But to angrily dismiss her because she didn’t turn into a rah-rah pile of baby love when you mentioned having a baby is disingenuous.

DouglaChile −  My take on this is that you both have valid viewpoints so no one is an AH. However, if you want to keep your friendship, you should decide what you expect from each other moving forward.

Also I believe there is a group of adults of donor parents who are bringing awareness of the challenges they face. I recommend that you research what it’s going to look like for the child.

LesbiansonNeptune −  As if having both parents means that child is going to be equally parented by both ☠️☠️ isn’t it statistically proven that more women typically do all the child rearing even if they work? What kind of a friend says this instead of supporting you?

And her being worried about your kid’s race has nothing to do with you being a single parent, tf? I don’t want to get married/have partner and this is the route I want. I support you!! Break up with your friend and have your family, you will be so happy and I wish you all the best!!!!

lapsteelguitar −  My only question is, do you know what you are getting into as a single mom? Talk to a few single moms first. Once you are clear on the idea, then make your decision. Otherwise, your friend is trying to be helpful, but really doesn’t seem to know what she is talking about.. NTA

15021993 −  Sometimes friends say the negative things because nobody else will. Doesn’t mean she’s judgmental, she’s giving you food for thought here. And I say this just because she’s your best friend, so I assume she’s a good one.

Being a parent is so hard. What happens when you develop PP depression? Or get sick? What happens when your kid questions their background and wants to know who the sperm donor is? What if you lose your job?

There’s a bunch of single parents. Not many are doing it by choice though. You can still do it and you seem fully set, so you’re for sure going to do your best however it doesn’t harm to think about the „bad“ situations/ stuff that can happen

dibbiluncan −  As a single mother with no involvement from my “sperm donor” (in my case, I was SA and kept the baby)… I really wouldn’t recommend it. I’m an English teacher, so not a high salary but it’s decent. Good benefits. Excellent work-life balance. I thought I had a good support system, but it failed me. Never count on that.

1.) Pregnancy is hard to go through alone. I had no major health problems beforehand, but I developed Hyperemisis Gravidarum—I spent the first 22 weeks throwing up ten times a day and I couldn’t eat anything. I survived on Ensure, Pedialyte, plain white bread, and occasionally chicken n**dle soup.

I had to get IV fluids three times and would’ve been hospitalized if not for Zofran, an anti-nausea d**g made for cancer patients. And that’s just one possible thing that can go wrong. You could lose your job due to pregnancy complications. Or worse, your life.

2.) Childbirth does another number on your body. I had to have an emergency cesarean. I developed PPD, PPA, OCD, and POTS in the fourth trimester.

3.) Sleep deprivation during the first few months is real. You say you have a good support system, but does that mean you have someone willing to help with night wakings, changing diapers, etc? Or someone to let you nap during the day, take a shower, etc? And not just once or twice as a kindness. If you don’t have someone there with you most of your maternity leave, you will suffer greatly. I mean, you will suffer either way, but it’s almost impossible alone.

4.) Your body will never be the same. I got fairly lucky. No stretch marks or sagging. But I have a mild pelvic organ prolapse, my nipples are forever enlarged due to breastfeeding, and I do have a little mom pouch especially if I’m bloated (working on that one; it’s not impossible to reverse, just hard). Some women have it way worse.

5.) It will age you, especially if you breastfeed. You lose a lot of collagen. Your hair will fall out. Your skin will be dry.

6.) You will feel the greatest love on Earth, but also the greatest fear. It’s constant anxiety and stress. I’ve had a tension headache for four years now.

7.) Can you afford daycare AND a sick care babysitter on top of it? I’ve already used up all of my PTO this year because my daughter got pneumonia and there’s no one else to care for her but me.

8.) Do you ever plan to date again? I personally made it a priority. I wanted to give my daughter a father. I’m sorry, but your friend is right that statistically, the kids of single parents are at a disadvantage. I now have an amazing partner who plans to marry me and adopt her, but it wasn’t easy to find him.

There’s a stigma against single mothers—no one will wait to hear your context. They’ll just judge you and count you out. Look, I get it. I always wanted to be a mother too. I found myself single at 32 as well, and part of me accepted that it would never happen for me.

I hate the way my daughter was conceived, but I could never change a thing because I love her so much. Still, I would NEVER recommend anyone—no matter how great they think their situation is—put themselves in my position intentionally. Especially not when you still have a good decade left to find a new partner and make a baby the old-fashioned way.

Don’t give up on finding someone to start a family with. Get back in the dating game, make your intentions clear, and be patient. You still have time. You’re NTA for considering this, but you are foolish. Your friend, she’s not wrong but her approach was.

Pro_Crastinators −  NTA but her concerns aren’t entirely unfounded like should something happen to you, you get sick, lose your job, the type of care if you’re not able to be there, etc. Plenty of kids grow up in healthy non-traditional households without a father figure, in queer families, single-parent, etc.

BlueGreen_1956 −  YTA. The children of single mothers are at EVERY statistical disadvantage. “I reminded her that plenty of kids are raised by single moms and do just fine, and that I’m more than capable of providing a loving, stable home.” EVERY single mother believes they will be the exception. And yes, I am quite happy to take all the downvotes from the Reddit brigade who cannot handle factual information.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in pursuing IVF as a single mother, or is there merit to her friend’s concerns about family structure? How would you handle a situation where a friend disagrees with a significant life choice? Share your thoughts below!