AITA for planning to d**p my fiancee because she is t**ic to her family?
A Redditor reflects on a troubling realization about their fiancée, Ruby, after a few years of what they thought was a perfect relationship. Despite Ruby’s claims that her family is toxic, the Redditor has come to believe that her behavior towards them is the real issue. With concerns about Ruby’s treatment of her family and the potential impact on their future children, the Redditor is contemplating ending the engagement. Read the original story below to understand the complexities of this situation.
‘ AITA for planning to d**p my fiancee because she is t**ic to her family?’
I (M34) have had a wonderful relationship with my fiancée Ruby (F32) for the past few years. I genuinely care about her, and I could easily spend hours listing all the things I admire. For the sake of time, though, just know that I believed we were a perfect match.
However, I recently had an epiphany regarding Ruby’s behaviour. From the beginning, she spoke about how t**ic her family was and how much she resented them. Despite this, she remained in frequent contact with them. Over time, I’ve come to the difficult and painful realization that it’s not her family that’s t**ic—it’s Ruby.
I have many stories about her mistreating her family, but I’ll highlight just a few. A little over a year ago, we were celebrating her parents’ anniversary, and she repeatedly pressured her brother Will (M30) to drink, even though he’s struggled with alcohol in the past and had been sober for three years. Ruby insisted at least 7-9 times, and though Will declined politely each time, she wouldn’t let up.
It wasn’t until he firmly told her no, and I reminded her of his previous refusals, that she stopped. But even then, she remained passive-aggressive towards him for the rest of the night until he apologized. Eight months ago, Ruby’s older sister Janet (F36) had a very difficult divorce and fell into depression afterwards.
Now, Ruby, on more than one occasion, told Janet that she’d come visit her to cheer her up but then would cancel at the last minute. In private, she admitted to me that she just didn’t feel like it or held petty grudges against Janet from years ago. This behavior infuriated me because I hate when people raise expectations only to disappoint.
When I told her it was unkind (on several occasions), she brushed it off, saying Janet would get over it each and every time. Every so often, when Ruby gets frustrated with work, she calls her mom and yells at her, blaming her and her father for pushing her into this career. On several occasions, she’s yelled at her parents until her mother has begun to cry.
On top of all of this, Ruby regularly asks her family for favors, and if they are unable to comply, she’ll cut communication with them for weeks until they cave to her demands. It’s really jarring, really. Ruby treats me and her friends with kindness, but her cruelty toward her family is undeniable and difficult to look past. Even her friends have noticed, and when they joke about it, Ruby dismisses it and insists her family doesn’t mind.
The worst interaction Ruby has is with her younger sister, Ethel (F29). Ruby constantly belittles and criticizes Ethel over the smallest things. It’s horrible because I’ve seen firsthand how smug and happy Ruby can get whenever she puts Ethel down. I’ve heard Ruby tell Ethel things like “Know your place” and “Don’t forget your place” so many times at this point, it’s frankly exhausting.
I know it probably sounds trivial or petty, but seeing how Ruby interacts with her family has unsettled me. I want children someday, and I don’t want them growing up in an environment where this behaviour is seen as normal. After considerable thought and reflection, I plan to leave Ruby in the near future.
Continuing this relationship would be dishonest, just as I’ve lied to myself for years, pretending her behaviour wasn’t an issue. Some of the people I’ve confided in think I’m overreacting or being unfair, given how devoted Ruby is to me and how this behaviour doesn’t directly affect me. While they may not be entirely wrong, I still can’t see a future with her.. AITA?
See what others had to share with OP:
I_ship_it07 − And you realised only now?? And by the logic of your “friends” how do you think she will treat you/them when she will have enough of you/them? T**ic people are t**ic with everybody not just their long time victims.. Thank god you want to leave. NTA
Mother_Search3350 − NTAH.. Ruby sounds unhinged and narcissistic. JFC why have those people not cut her off? Why are they putting up with her BS? For the sake of your own mental health, you need to get away from that woman. She treats you well because she is still a girlfriend. As soon as she has that ring on her finger and has you on lock down, you are going to be treated the same way she treats her family. . Walk away..
Comfortable-Bug1737 − You should have left after the brother incident. Bloody hell. Make sure you tell her it’s because she’s a sh*t human being as well.
WeirdPinkHair − NTA to everyone saying why wait it’s probably so he can line things up. If they live together he needs to sort alternatives and just untangling their lives so he can just up and leave clean. If he did it any other way with his h**py she would make his life a living hellscape. Better to plan first then just go.
While she’s not a**sive to him probably, quite rightly, suspects that as soon as he says they’re done it’ll get n**ty, so he’s planning like you would leaving any a**sive relationship.
ComprehensivePut5569 − NTA – Ruby is a living/breathing red flag and you are absolutely right to be concerned. I don’t know why you are waiting to end things. If it’s because she hasn’t exhibited these behaviors towards you, I would add the word “yet”. Or maybe she has and you overlooked them because you’re so enamored with her.
However it is only a matter of time before you become her next target – especially if you get married. Rip the band aid off now. Waiting won’t make it any easier or less messy. But be prepared to meet the “real Ruby” when you confront her and/or break up with her. It’ll probably make ending the relationship a lot easier when she loses her s**t (and she will.)
Sweet-Salt-1630 − NTA, have you asked her why she treats them this way? I’d be scared once you’re married she would treat you the same. She is kind to her friends because she knows she can’t get away with that behaviour with them. Have you called her out the moment she does this to family?
Samarkand457 − God help any daughters you might have with this h**py.. NTA.
blackbeautybae − NTA. Ruby’s behavior towards her family is extremely concerning and it reflects poorly on her character. It’s important to consider how this could potentially affect any future relationships and children. You are making the right decision by ending the relationship.
It takes courage to walk away from something that may seem good on the surface, but is actually t**ic and unhealthy. You need to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. You are not overreacting or being unfair, you are making a responsible decision for your own future. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what is best for you.
savinathewhite − NTA. Better to end things now than later after watching her traumatize your children, and then continuing to watch her do the same things for years or battle in court. If Ruby thinks this is how healthy families behave towards each other, then this is the behavior she will model for her own children.
Make sure any future children she has are not yours, or you’ll suffer through knowing you are responsible for their trauma. End it and hope she gets some therapy.
buttpickles99 − NTA – how much you want to bet that you if were to go through with the wedding, that Ruby would begin to treat you like she treats her family. She is still on her best behavior because you are not locked in yet, once the ring is on and the vows are made her true self will come out. It’s a miracle you saw who she truly is before you made the biggest mistake of your life!
Do you think the Redditor is justified in considering the end of their engagement based on Ruby’s behavior, or is this an overreaction to family dynamics? How would you navigate a situation where a loved one treats their family poorly? Share your thoughts below!
