AITA For refusing to give up my home and move closer to my daughter & granddaughter?
A man living in Alaska with his wife decides not to move to the Lower 48 states, where their daughter and her soon-to-arrive grandchild will be. Although they initially planned to relocate next door to their daughter, he now feels strongly about keeping their Alaskan home.
He offers to buy the duplex for his wife to visit as often as she likes, but he prefers to stay near his aging father and continue the life he built. read the original story below…
‘ AITA For refusing to give up my home and move closer to my daughter & granddaughter?’
I (44) live in Alaska with my wife (43). Our daughter (22) & her husband (24) live in the L48 and she is having her first child in a few months, our first grandchild. We own our home here in Alaska, and I have an excellent career with a unique schedule, so I could live in the L48 and fly back and forth to Alaska every two weeks.
My wife works remotely and can work from anywhere. My wife and I had planned to move down there and buy a duplex next door to my daughter. After much consideration, I told my wife today that I’m not doing that. She’s devastated because she feels stuck in Alaska and is far from her family.
Worth noting… it was her idea to move here from California, where I had a successful business that I sold to move us up here 10 years ago. I’m happy to travel back and forth as often as we like to visit, but I’m keeping my home here. I don’t want to live there… next door to my daughter.
I raised her to be able to build and live her own life, and I don’t want to follow her around. I built my life, I want to live it. The bulk of my wife’s family lives within a few hours drive of where our daughter lives. I’d be leaving my dad, in poor health, behind in Alaska. I don’t want to do that either.
I’m not opposed to buying the duplex. I can afford to own it and my home in Alaska, but I told my wife to come and go between there and here as often as she likes. But this is my home, and this is where I’m going to stay.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
UnsolicitedThorn − I could give you a long winded answer but I’m not going to. You’re right and not a a**hole.
Eyekc3 − NTA. Has anyone asked your daughter if she wants you that close? And if she does and you can afford buy it and go when you want. Same with your wife. The only assholish part is if you just flat out told your wife no without discussing it. Two people get to make the decision.
hummingbird7777777 − “After much consideration, I told my wife today that I’m not doing that.” That consideration should have happened in conversations with your wife. YTA for unilaterally telling her you’re not going to do what you had planned together. Who made you the king?
savinathewhite − NTA. Buy the duplex, and spend time there as you like. You are justifiably not interested in uprooting your home base. If your marriage can handle the periods of separation from your wife, then having the second home is a reasonable compromise.
AnyBioMedGeek − YTA. It sounds like you and your wife had discussed this for quote a while and made a decision together that you are now going back on and making a unilateral decision contrary to what she has been expecting and preparing for.
You should have discussed it with her again when you were wavering rather than dropping down a unilateral decision that affects both of you greatly – especially as you wouldn’t be losing your AK home if you can afford both places.
Kristen242008 − I’m gonna say NAH. You’re not TA for wanting to stay where you built a life, and your wife isn’t an AH for wanting to be closer to her family. You guys are just going to have to plan more, and travel back and forth more often.
history_buff_9971 − Hmm…why did your wife want to move to Alaska? Are you originally from Alaska (I ask because of what you said about your father). I’m also not sure that your wife coming up with the idea 10 years ago, and, unless she tied you up and marched you to the plane giving you no choice in the matter then I’m not sure that has too much relevance here, situations change and it’s now you have to deal with.
I have to say, I sort of think YTA here, not for wanting to stay, but for agreeing to go, then changing your mind and brooking no discussion on the matter. I mean, all of your reasons are valid, I absolutely sympathise with not wanting to leave your home or father but, I think you’ve handled it dreadfully.
Perhaps if you had had a discussion you could have come to a solution amicably – your wife chooses to make her main home where your daughter lives and you take turns flying to see each other, for one, but when you make a pronouncement your completely ignoring that marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and you’ve probably both hurt your wife and put her back up.
thatphotogurl − I don’t get it…no one seems to be having an issue with you not purchasing a house near your daughter…so what’s the conflict here? You haven’t mentioned any.
LetChaosRaine − INFO: how did your sickly dad end up in AK? Was he already there and your wife offered to move 10 years ago so you could be with him in illness, or did he follow you there? (Or otherwise?)
Do you think he’s being reasonable, or should he reconsider the move? Share your thoughts below!
