AITA for not inviting my stepmother wedding dress shopping?

A Redditor is facing backlash from their stepmother after not inviting her to join the wedding dress shopping experience. The stepmother, who married the Redditor’s father when they were 10, feels hurt because she doesn’t have daughters and had hoped to experience the mother-daughter bonding moment through the Redditor.

However, the Redditor doesn’t view her as a mother figure and feels uncomfortable with how the stepmother tries to claim that role, especially since their own mother passed away.

Although the stepmother is upset and feels excluded, the Redditor sees her as their dad’s wife, not as a mother, and prefers to keep her distance in wedding planning. Read the full story below to see how this family dynamic plays out.

‘ AITA for not inviting my stepmother wedding dress shopping?’

I went shopping for my wedding dress last weekend and picked a dress. I brought my two best friends and my two grandma’s. My stepmother saw our photo on the bridal store’s page and she was upset I didn’t ask her to come.

Two of her son’s are married and their wives didn’t invite her either and her third son is gay so I was her only chance to experience this because she has no daughters. She told me she wanted to come and wanted to know why I wouldn’t invite her.

She claimed she became my mom when I was 10 (which is when she married my dad) and she had no other girls so having me leave her out was extra hurtful. She vented about her DILs not including her in that process either and how one went solo even though she was free and close by to go with her.

For reference, I do not consider her my mom and I never considered her in a parental light. She’s married to my dad and makes him happy so I appreciate that but I never liked how she seemed to obsess about me being a girl and having a mother/daughter relationship.

My own mom died so it made me more protective of who claims that title for me. But even still I do not feel like she would have made any effort to be a mom to me if I were a stepson vs a stepdaughter. I wasn’t going to include her in anything wedding related. She’ll be invited as my dad’s wife.

She’ll be in photos because they’re married. She’ll be seated with him for the same reason. But she’s not mother of the bride or anything. And I don’t have a relationship with her where I would ask her to help with wedding related stuff.I’m no longer that close to my dad either so I don’t see them often anyway. But she has been making her point about being left out and asking me why I excluded her. It’s very clear she’s unhappy.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

twothirtysevenam −  NTA. You can invite or not invite anybody you want or don’t want there to watch you pick out a dress.
What I found odd in this post is this part: “*My stepmother saw our photo on the bridal store’s page*”. Do people really follow bridal shops’ social media pages if they aren’t getting married soon themselves? Maybe it’s just me, and I am open to being wrong about this, but that strikes me as unusual.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. She is projecting all of her own hurt and offense from the other children onto you. You’re not obligated to do anything for her since you didn’t marry her or ask her to be your stepmom.

I think it’s your job to be a decent human being, as you would to all people, but there’s such a cultural standard of needing to treat “family” special from everyone else and that’s simply not the case.

Particularly in your wedding in which you and your spouse will be forming your own family unit, not melting back into previous units creating one mega family. She is having poor boundaries and expectations. Just continue to be respectful obvi and not take any of her junk onto yourself. Super NTA.

Edit: I think how your stepmother is feeling is really unfortunate for her and may indeed be a bummer, but it’s not justifiable or fair to place those feelings onto you in any way, shape, or form. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA. For reference, I do not consider her my mom and I never considered her in a parental light. My own mom died so it made me more protective of who claims that title for me.. That’s totally ok.

You sound really balanced about her & you’re good with her being there/in the photos etc. But she’s not mother of the bride or anything. Stepmom needs to accept that & not project her disappointment over her other kids’ choices onto you.

Alarming_Energy_3059 −  NTA. You have a mom. Just because she died doesn’t mean your stepmother can snatch her place. How can anyone even begin to replace your mom? She can be hurt about it, but that’s on her, not on you.

I’m so tired of step parents trying to force a parental bond between them and their stepkids. We wouldn’t ask a fully grown adult to suddenly love and respect someone just because they married into the family. Then why should kids be forced to love their parent’s new wife/husband?

East_Parking8340 −  That’s her problem, not yours. She is not your mother. You will have clear memories of your mother and can probably identify some of her traits that you‘ve inherited (along with her nose ?). You are not responsible for her expectations.. NTA

notcontageousAFAIK −  NTA. I’m a Mom of a daughter. Just because of her personal style and beliefs, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be asked to go shopping for a wedding dress. I’m fine with that, because she needs to do what will make her happy.

But the larger principle is that we don’t actually own our children. We are not e**itled to live through them. You brought the people you thought would give you the right kind of support. That is exactly what you should do.

RogueX047 −  NTA. Your feelings are valid and what you have experienced are valid. Just be truthful and honest with her, and just leave it at that. It’s your wedding, you decide how you do this. You are not obligated to do what your step-mom wants, and it’s not on you that she didn’t get what she wanted from her other daughter in laws.

I feel like this is something she should have realized when marrying your dad, that there would be a chance that the children of the man she’s marrying would still hold onto their real mother, which isn’t a bad thing and it’s their choice and she should have been mature enough to understand. It’s a complicated situation.

Bis_K −  What’s telling is none of her DILs invited her either.

ChaosCoordinator42 −  NTA. It makes perfect sense to invite people you are close to and comfortable with to your dress shopping. Your stepmother doesn’t fit that description so she wasn’t invited. You did nothing wrong.

You don’t have the relationship with your stepmother that she wants. It’s okay for her to be disappointed about that. But she needs to manage those feelings and decide for herself what that means. Maybe it means she doesn’t want to come to the wedding at all or have you visit at her home, and that doesn’t make her an AH.

Where she strays into AH territory is where she gets angry with you and wants you to change your actions. No. You do not owe her a relationship other than being a polite guest when in her home. She can feel whatever about that and can decide not to interact with you.

But she becomes an AH when she tries to get you to change to fit into her idea of what your relationship with each other should be. You’re not just a character in her story to mold to her preferences. You’re your own person and e**itled to decide for yourself how you interact with her and everyone else.

Scared_Lackey_1954 −  NTA, your stepmom is weird.