AITA-for not knowing exactly what my wife meant by saying our son is acting “goofy”?

A Reddit user (38M) is seeking advice after a tense interaction with his wife (37F) regarding their oldest son (17M) and his behavior towards their youngest son (12M). During a conversation about their son’s bullying behavior, the wife mentioned that their oldest was acting “goofy.”

Confused about what exactly she meant by “goofy,” the Redditor asked for clarification, which frustrated his wife. She accused him of always needing her to explain everything and expressed her dissatisfaction with his ability to take action.

The Redditor feels that he’s being expected to read her mind and is unsure if he’s in the wrong for not understanding what she meant. Read the full story below to understand the family dynamics and communication challenges.

‘ AITA-for not knowing exactly what my wife meant by saying our son is acting “goofy”?’

I male (38 M) years old have been married to my wife (37 F) years old for almost 10 years. We have been going through a rough patch for the past year and things are extremely tense. I have been trying very hard to make her happy but i seem to always miss the mark for one reason or another, tonight was no different.

My wife and I were having a discussion regarding our oldest son (17 M) and his b**lying of our youngest son (12 M). Well after the conversation and my son left the room she stated she is not happy about the way he treated him. I replied “I agree” and thought that was it.

She then said very ambiguously “He is acting Goofy” I was not certain exactly what she was referencing. So I asked “how so” and she just gave me this disgusted face and said “just goofy”. When I tried to ask her to give me some examples I was met with more disgusted faces and a statement from her that “she can’t say anything to me without it being a whole thing”.

She then informed me she could not even have “this conversation” with me. I simply said ok and was about to give her space when she just sort a snapped. Started heading up the stairs ranting about how she will go search his room (maybe for drugs/alcohol) because I won’t “man up”.

I then tried to explain that I don’t mind going to talk to him, I just was not sure specifically what she wanted me to look into based solely off the comment of him acting “goofy”. She then proceeded to tell me that I am just impossible and she just doesn’t get why I “always need her to hold my hand”.

I am really trying to be better communicating and more specifically, hearing her and addressing her needs. However, I feel sometimes her standard is that I am a mind reader. So, AITA for not knowing exactly what she meant and not being able to take the exact action she expected me to when all I had to go on was “he is acting “goofy”?.

**UPDATE**
To clarify, the issue with the b**lying had already been resolved and action taken. That’s why my son exited the room. This interaction took place after it was all done and I had just responded to her general statement about her not liking that it happened.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Loose_Touch3527 −  So things have deteriorated to the point that past hurts are counting in current discussions, probably despite the best intentions of you both. You likely both resolve to *not* do whatever (get angry, be inconsiderate…whatever) but, in the moment, that resolve is lost to the bad feelings of the last 12 months. Tbf it’s probably years longer than that.

Much as you are trying to analyse this one example, and make yourself innocently blameless in it, you can’t be, because it takes two people to argue. The way you talk about her being ambiguous and making disgusted faces represents how you wish her to be seen in this interaction. She was ‘ranting’, yeh? Compare this to you ‘trying to explain’ and ‘simply saying’, and therefore being meekly innocent. The fact is that this interaction builds on all the last and neither of you got it right.

My wife and I were having a discussion regarding our oldest son (17 M) and his b**lying of our youngest son (12 M). Well after the conversation and my son left the room she stated she is not happy about the way he treated him. I replied “I agree” and thought that was it. If you really want to sort this one interaction out, there’s your clue. The older is b**lying the younger.

I don’t understand how you were both having a conversation and then the older kid left the room? Was he not included and was just listening? So both parents are unhappy that their kid is a b**ly of his own sibling right? Yet you reply “I agree” and *thought that was it.

Well no, that was just the start. You then needed to take immediate action… discuss and agree on a way forward, what discipline was to be implemented, how would you each parent this, how will you support the younger boy to not carry this into adulthood, and more. You simply said you agree.

She will go search his room (maybe for drugs/alcohol) because I won’t “man up”. She just doesn’t get why I “always need her to hold my hand”.
You see the clue? Your wife also didn’t just want your agreement. She wanted action. She wanted you to take action. Presumably you have a pattern of not taking action on important things. Remember… this interaction is built on past hurts.

So, AITA for not knowing exactly what she meant and not being able to take the exact action she expected me to when all I had to go on was “he is acting “goofy”?

YTA for being deliberately obtuse. You didn’t outline any actions you will be taking to immediately stop the older child from b**lying the younger. Instead you think the important part of the entire incident was your wife being ‘ambiguous’, making ‘disgusted’ faces and ‘ranting’ while you are sweetly wondering what to do, so you got all hurt again.

I don’t buy it your story. And whilever you are buying into your own story this marriage will sink deeper and cause the boys to act out worse than they are now. Decision time for you.

Massive_Letterhead90 −  Sounds like your wife didn’t think the situation with your b**lying son was resolved at all.
I’m guessing you talked to him (was that the only discipline he got?) but he acted funny, perhaps like he wasn’t sober? Then your wife said he was acting “goofy” and that she wanted to search his room? Which you presumed was for drugs/alcohol, even though she didn’t say so?

Which makes me think you noticed him acting off as well? Yet your only reaction was to pretend not to understand, say a meaningless “okay,” and drop the ball?  Your wife is angry because you’re turning a blind eye and not being a supportive father and husband.

Educational_Poem2652 −  ESH Y’all’s communication skills s**k. She fails to specify what she means by goofy and you’re giving her the grey rock treatment. It may be time for professional help to prod y’all along a little bit.

SlimTeezy −  There’s not enough information to judge. We are missing so much context. There could be a cultural or historical reference for “goofy” that has significance to her that you’re omitting.

Honestly it sounds like your relationship is ending unless you commit to professional intervention (therapy/counseling). Your sons see the writing on the wall and are acting out. I’m leaning towards YTA because you seem intentionally obtuse.

HMMMT12 −  This sounds a lot like me and my husband when we’re at the peak moment of a slow build up of frustration. There’s A LOT more going on here than this moment. Without you sitting down together and having an open conversation, as calmly as possible, you won’t find out why this was so triggering for her.

It may be beneficial to have a marriage therapist or mediator of some sort during that conversation. But there’s a lot of frustration on your wife’s part and this was just the breaking point.. ESH She should have shared her frustrations with you before it built up to this and snapping, but you also sound blissfully unaware of any needs your wife might be missing from you.

Single_Cancel_4873 −  ESH I think the two of you could benefit from therapy to work on your communication skills. If my spouse said my child was acting goofy, most likely I would ask him to elaborate on the comment.

I certainly wouldn’t think acting goofy would lead to checking my child’s room for drugs. Also, I personally hate the term “man up” as I think it’s pretty t**ic.

TJordanW20 −  Yta. It sounds like she’s exasperated that you don’t know your son well enough to notice changes in behaviour

Ladyughsalot1 −  Honestly? YTA. I cannot stand people who want it spelled out for them every time. *Just continue the conversation and put your context clues together*.  Son is misbehaving and your wife states she’s unhappy with that. Then she comments on his behavior- being goofy. 

You aren’t unintelligent. You have the clues. She has used a word that you may not fully understand is applicable to son but you just had a conversation with him about his behavior. That’s what she’s commenting on. Goofy- ridiculous, foolish. *Put it together* 

But no, you won’t do that basic mental effort and now you’re demanding she break it down and use your preferred words. Exhausting.
Use your context clues and continue the conversation unless you are truly unable to do so without clarification. 

Mikill1995 −  ESH It sounds like this is about way more than just this one instance of you not getting goofy. You seem to be right in this specific instance, but her annoyance probably did not stem from there.

Your focus on this thing in a situation where your child sounds like a b**ly and someone who might take drugs seems a little misplaced – there seems to be so much more going on. I think you really need to sit down and discuss your relationship, what the problem is and what you want to change in the future. It also sounds like you might need a therapist or mediator to help you with that…

Maladine −  If your wife is anything like my mother was, she meant goofy as high on drugs which is why she wanted to search his room.