AITA for not going to Thanksgiving over the dishes?

A Reddit user, a 29-year-old man living in the U.S., questioned if he was wrong for not attending Canadian Thanksgiving at his stepmother’s house due to being expected to do the dishes every year.

He shared that while he and his husband don’t mind helping, they feel unfairly singled out as the only guests required to clean up after the meal, while other younger family members enjoy leisure activities.

Tired of the passive-aggressive remarks from his step-grandmother about her cooking and the pressure to assist with dishes, he ultimately decided to decline the invitation, even after they offered to pay for their flights. While one of his brothers supports his decision, the other thinks it’s a trivial reason to skip family gatherings. read the original story below..

‘ AITA for not going to Thanksgiving over the dishes?’

This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. I (29M) live in the United States but my stepmom is Canadian and her mom always comes down from BC for the weekend to celebrate with a feast for my mostly American family. To be honest, my “step-grandma”’s cooking is not good. And she is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met.

Every year she makes such a big deal about how much work she put into her bland ass food and expects endless praise for her efforts. But I digress. Every year at Canadian Thanksgiving, my husband and I are asked to do the dishes. It’s fine, we don’t mind it.

But the hard part is that we are guests, and we are the only people ever expected to help. At first it was like “Okay we are the youngest, so that’s why.” but in the past few years, my stepmom’s nieces and nephews, all in their early 20s, were there and after dinner went in the hot tub.

Meanwhile, if I’m playing with my nephew I don’t get to see much, I hear from the kitchen my step-grandma say loudly “if only someone would help me with the dishes” and of course my dad comes over and says “Hey can you guys help her with the dishes”. I’m just sick of being the only ones expected to help.

This is our second year living in a different city and about a month ago they asked if I was coming. I told them I wasn’t sure and later told them I wasn’t. They offered to pay for our flights and I still said I couldn’t make it. Made up an excuse. But really it’s the dishes.

Again, don’t mind doing them, just sick of being the only people expected to help out while everyone else is socialize and hang in the hot tub. I have talked to my brothers (both older) and one agrees with me and the other thinks that’s a stupid reason. So I am wondering, am I the a**hole?

See what others had to share with OP:

Tanuk-E- −  NTA. Shame on your siblings for not offering to help. It’s fine to help out every once in a while but for you guys to be the cleanup squad each time? Not cool and y’all are being taken advantage. And shame on your step-grandma for making bland food.

Kaynico −  Info: why not just say no to your dad? It sounds like from your post that he’s the one targettting you guys.  Why deprive yourself of seeing your nephew and the rest of your family instead of just saying “not this time, dad, we’ve been pulling the weight of doing the dishes while the rest of the family gets to relax. It’s someone else’s turn.”

StAlvis −  INFO. of course my dad comes over and says “Hey can you guys help her with the dishes”. And you’re unfamiliar with the words “no thank you,” or…? I’m just sick of being the only ones expected to help.. Just stop saying “yes?”

fancy_underpantsy −  If you go, have your bathing suit on under your regular clothes before dinner and make sure your nephew does as well. Then immediately as dinner ends, hit the hot tub. Be the first to leave the table.. Don’t let the bastards win.

houseonpost −  NTA: But nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Talk to your dad before hand and explain why you don’t feel like coming and come up with an alternative plan. Given you don’t like the cooking why don’t you offer to do some or all of the cooking? Nobody would dream of asking you to do the dishes.

Waste_Worker6122 −  NTA. An invitation is not a subpoena. That said you might want to work on your assertiveness and learn to use the magic word no. You could attend and simply say “no I’m not doing those dishes it’s someone else’s turn”.

lostalldoubt86 −  NTA- Tell your father it is someone else’s turn this year. If you want to be petty, suggest your brother who doesn’t think being asked his a big deal.

Appropriate-Plum-863 −  NTA. Why pay for a trip to eat bland food and be treated like the help? (Does your family also celebrate the US Thanksgiving holiday – and if so, how is the food, company, and chore distribution then?) Just say “Not this year, but thanks for thinking of us” and change the subject.

EquivalentBend9835 −  Paper plates, plastic cups and cutlery. We did this to my mom. My SIL come over thanksgiving and put all the china, glasses, and silver cutlery away. She said that her daughter and daughters in law aren’t maids and we want to visit with the family too.

Now everyone brings food and cleans up. Oh, my mom can’t cook with out dirtying up every pot and pan and never cleans as she goes. 😳

JellyBelly1042 −  😂🤣😂😂 I’d go and as soon as dad asks I’d say no I’m great here thank you and if anyone has something to say let them know if their hands moved as fast as their mouth they could help with dishes.

Don’t offer my services if you’re not offering yours. Your family would hate me because I’d tell them where they could go along with step grandmother and that dried out unappealing turkey.