AITAH for refusing to move in with my Long-term GF until our s** life improves?
A Redditor shares a complicated relationship dilemma after being with his girlfriend, Janine, for eight years. Despite their strong emotional connection, their sex life has dwindled to almost nothing over the past two years.
After years of saving for a mortgage together, he expresses his discomfort with moving in while their intimate life remains unaddressed. This leads to a heated argument, with Janine accusing him of holding their future “at ransom.” Now, he questions whether he’s in the wrong for prioritizing their sexual relationship in the context of moving in together. Read the full story below.
‘ AITAH for refusing to move in with my Long-term GF until our s** life improves?’
Backstory: So this one may require some backstory to build up to the big argument which happened a few days ago. I (23M) have been with my Janine (F**e Name – 23F) for 8 years now. We began as school sweethearts and have had our ups and downs but for the most part have been a very happy couple for that whole time. We love each others families, really enjoy each others company and have known for a while we wanted to tie the knot and settle down at some point.
Talk of moving in together has been on the cards for a while but we wanted to stand firm on our plan to buy rather than rent, so we have been saving for years now and are both in a position where we feel as though we can afford a deposit and have enough outside of that to make mortgage payments with both our salaries.
Everything feels perfect except for 1 thing. Our s** life. For the past 2 years this area has been near on non-existent. Initially the s** began to ramp down in frequency at what I thought was natural. Every few days became once a week but this felt normal. We still live at home so it can be awkward but this was what I felt to be natural now for where we were in our relationship.
However as time went on this dwindled more and more and we are now in the position to having not had s** in 4 months. I have tried to initiate but I get the cold shoulder so frequently that it has burnt out any wanting for me to try. At first when I questioned this Janine told me she was feeling a lot of pain.
Of course I didn’t want to force her into anything so we stopped then and began looking for ways to help. Initially we believed this to be vaginisimus but over time we realised the symptoms didn’t quite match up to what we thought so kept looking. Well, I kept looking. Janine didn’t show any signs of wanting to push to help this.
I recommended doctors appointments but she disagreed with the need to go to the doctors for this. I mentioned therapy and she shot this down too. I would research home remedies and she would read what I sent over and disregard it as “that won’t work for me”.
Initially with the pain we settled on performing different acts that required no penetration, but this did not last long. She would always turn down advances and blame a particular element of my approach. I came on too strong, I wasn’t coming on enough to get her going. I initiated too quickly, I took too long and now she’s turned off.
It’s not spontaneous enough, it’s too spontaneous and I didn’t give her enough time to prepare. It’s too loud in the house, it’s too quiet and we’ll be heard etc. This really knocked my confidence and made me consider ending things but every other aspect of our relationship was perfect so I didn’t want to say anything.
Anyways onto the present. The Argument: When we first began looking for places I mentioned our s** life and stated that I didn’t feel comfortable getting a mortgage together if we didn’t have an active s** life as it would be harder for both of us to deal with at that point. She was taken aback by this but after discussion agreed we’d keep looking and she would work on becoming more active sexually.
That was a year ago Fast forward to the past few weeks and we realised our finances were in the right place to move. Janine asked what day I would like to go and speak with a mortgage adviser and I told her I didn’t. She was confused and asked what I meant and I explained as above. In the year I had been saving for this mortgage under the agreement to move in should she work on rebuilding our s** life.
In that year she had done nothing and taken no action, even going the 4 months without initiating or engaging with me about this. As said before I didn’t want to force her but wanted to see some form of effort at being more intimate in our relationship. She stopped kissing me without my initiation in this time also. She has seen 0 doctors in this time for her medical issues and has refused my advances of couples therapy.
When I finished explaining I said our finances are there but I am not ready to pursue this next stage together without work on our s** life. She was furious with me and stated that I was holding our future at ransom to have more s**.
She stormed out and I haven’t heard from her since other than a text message telling me she wasn’t coming to a dinner date I had planned and to call her when I had decided to not be an arsehole anymore.
Whilst I feel that my intentions weren’t cruel I now feel like I may be the arsehole for building up to this point of building our finances to suddenly halt it like this. I understand her feelings of betrayal but I just can’t move in knowing our s** life is going to continue non-existent. AITAH?
Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:
BigC_Gang − NTA – sexual compatibility is a very valid concern. You should absolutely not buy a house or take your relationship further with this person if you are going to be unhappy.
SleepDangerous1074 − If she’s not willing to see a doctor or get therapy or at least try and keeps putting all the blame on you…then why even continue the relationship. Sexual incompatibility can be a d**th sentence for a relationship. Time to accept you may never have s** with her again even though you’re in a relationship, or become single. I would choose being single.
Miserada − Revisit the vaginismus or vulvodynia diagnosis. I was your girlfriend (not literally, obviously). Boyfriend and I had a normal s** life and then all of a sudden…poof. Not only does penetration hurt, but even direct skin contact to the vulvar region causes my nerves to overstimulate.
I really had to swallow my pride to get help. It’s so embarrassing and it’s easy to feel like less of a woman because your body doesn’t work right. Doctors don’t believe you at first: “Try more lube!” “It’s all in your head. Need more foreplay!”
I’ve had two pelvic floor Botox injections and use muscle relaxers and a Valium suppository. Finally for the first time in years I was able to have partial s** with my husband without pain. I have a ways to go with physical therapy and possibly a surgery to remove a hypersensitive patch of skin that is the main source of pain, but progress has been made.
I will probably always have to “prepare” for s** by using a Valium suppository and using dilators. Spontaneous s** is probably never going to happen. OP, Imma be straight. If it is medical, there is a long, possibly years, road to recovery. It ain’t easy. I would not have blamed my husband (then boyfriend and fiancé) for jumping ship.
Edit: people keep replying to me saying she refuses to go to the doctor. Yes, I see that in the original OP. I’ve explained in further comments that I’m not absolving her of responsibility here. In fact, I’m telling OP that even if it IS medical he’d be signing up for a long road to recovery. I wouldn’t blame OP for not staying at all.
My comment was meant to provide context on why it can be embarrassing or difficult to start seeking treatment. I would have assumed people would realize by the fact I wouldn’t have blamed my own husband for leaving I wouldn’t blame OP. OP would be well within his rights to set an ultimatum that they attend s** therapy and she seek medical treatment for the pain.
Electronic_Fox_6383 − I don’t know how you’ve lasted so long in this relationship. You are simply incompatible. She is clearly content with the current state of things and any change made will be temporary. You are allowed to have an active and loving s** life, just as she is allowed to have as little as she is. One of you will always be unhappy in this relationship.. NTA
broadsharp − NTA. That would be a no go. Also, do not buy a home together. You’re setting yourself up for major problems by doing so. If she’s not willing to make the effort to help resolve this issue then nothing will change. Go read r/deadbedrooms to get a look what your future holds.
Fut22Newb27 − She isn’t going to change and any minor change will be short term and for the purposes of buying a house. After that you’ll be back where you started but tied together with a hefty mortgage. This all sounds doomed unless you’re willing to accept the current situation for the rest of your life.
anotherworthlessman − NTA; She needs to understand that a big part of why you’re with her is s**; Without that, you two might as well just be roommates, which is not what you want.. I was holding our future at ransom. If you want to have s**, there is no future. You can’t hold something at ransom that doesn’t exist. I’ll also be honest, I’d be very wary if s** “got better” just long enough to get the house.
I’d want her to show that s** “got better” indefinitely and for a very sustained period of time before we ever moved in together. You don’t say so explicitly in your post, but it sounds like you want an exclusive monogamous relationship right? I had this problem with an ex once, she wanted to get married, but s** was non existent.
I said to her “we’re monogamous and exclusive and that’s how our marriage is going to be right?”. And she said “of course, yes” And I said, so that means if the s** sucks or if there is no s**, I cannot go outside the relationship for it at all? (And I wouldn’t want to anyway for a number of reasons) And she said “yes, that’s how I want the marriage to be”
Then I said, and if I cheated you’d divorce me? and she said “yes” Then I said……….ok, then we have a problem, see, if I marry you, and you’re let’s say a terrible driver; then that’s ok…….because I can drive, or we can take public transit or whatever; But if I marry you, and the s** sucks or is non-existent, I’m screwed because you will be the only option I have for s**……so if things will be like this I can’t marry you. We broke up soon after. Sounds like you should too.
Shoboy_is_my_name − S** does NOT MAKE a relationship but it ABSOLUTELY CAN BREAK a relationship. It’s easier to deal with a breakup when you don’t live together. Going into a Live Together Relationship is riskier when you’ve already got a problem between you. WHY would you advance your relationship without first solving the problems it has????????? That is called Insanity……..
mdthomas − You want to have s**. She does not to want to have s** with you, or possibly anyone. I would think that if she did she would look into treating the pain. This won’t get any better and more and more resentment will build.. Break it off now.. NAH
Mrpettit − NTA, you have been together for 8 years and are only 23. Comfort has set in, and it’s clear you two are incompatible. You are friends, not in a relationship.
Do you think the user was justified in holding off on moving in until their sex life improves, or was it unreasonable to set such a condition on their relationship? How would you navigate a situation where intimacy issues impact a long-term commitment? Share your thoughts below!
